Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

Copyright Information
Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Profes­
sional Psychic © 2015 by Tiffany Johnson.
All rights reserved. No part o f this book may be used or reproduced in
any matter whatsoever, including Internet usage, without written permis­
sion from Llewellyn Publications, except in the form o f brief quotations
embodied in critical articles and reviews.
As the purchaser of this e-book, you are granted the non-exclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. The
text may not be otherwise reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, or
recorded on any other storage device in any form or by any means.
Any unauthorized usage o f the text without express written permission of
the publisher is a violation o f the author’s copyright and is illegal and
punishable by law.
First e-book edition © 2014
E-book ISBN: 9780738745848
Book design by Bob Gaul
Cover design by Ellen Lawson
Cover image: iStockphoto.com/14300813/©Talaj,
iStockphoto.com /19247116/©Дмитрий Грибов
Editing by Ed Day
Part Page Art by Llewellyn Art Department
Llewellyn Publications is an imprint of Llewellyn Worldwide Ltd.
Llewellyn Publications does not participate in, endorse, or have any au­
thority or responsibility concerning private business arrangements

2 pages left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

between our authors and the public.
Any Internet references contained in this work are current at publication
time, but the publisher cannot guarantee that a specific reference will
continue or be maintained. Please refer to the publisher’s website for
links to current author websites.
Llewellyn Publications
Llewellyn Worldwide Ltd.
2143 Wooddale Drive
Woodbury, MN 55125
www.llewellyn.com
Manufactured in the United States of America

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

This book is dedicated to my adoring husband Bobby, who gives me fa r more
love than disasters. With him I will live happily ever after.

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

Contents
Foreword by Cooper Lawrence
Introduction
Part One: Things You Need to Know Before Diving In
One: In the Beginning
Two: Soul Mates
Three: Settling Versus the One
Four: Deal Breakers
Five: The Dork Within
Six: They Don’t Care What You Wear or What You Drive
Seven: The Most Important Attributes
Eight: Bad Boys and Girls
Nine: Change
Ten: If You’re Not Feeling It in the First Five Dates
Part Two: You’ve Made It Past Five Dates, Now What?
Eleven: Commitment-Phobia
Twelve: Make Each Other Better
Thirteen: Romance, People!
Fourteen: Moving In Together
Fifteen: Privacy
Sixteen: Me Time
Seventeen: Long-Distance Relationships
Eighteen: Love Isn’t All You Need
Nineteen: If You Think They Are Cheating
Twenty: Abusive Relationships
Part Three: Take Stock, Learn, Move On, and Try Again
Twenty-One: Blame Is for Suckers
Twenty-Two: Letting Go
Twenty-Three: After the Breakup
2 pages left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

Twenty-Four: Karma and Past Lives
Twenty-Five: What the Other Side Thinks about Love
Twenty-Six: My Mama Told Me
Twenty-Seven: Take Your Own Advice
Twenty-Eight: Do You Need a Psychic or Common Sense?
Conclusion
Acknowledgments
About the Author

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

Foreword
A psychic medium writing a book on relationships? Why not? Tiffany is
as knowledgeable as any expert in the field; even without the fancy letters
after her name, she is the voice of authority.
Her advice is no-nonsense and to the point. She gives people what they
are looking for: answers! She also provides very effective techniques and
most importantly, things to think about in their personal relationships.
More than just a relationship book, Find Your Happily Ever After: Love
and Relationship Advice From a Professional Psychic is a book to better
yourself, therein, making your relationships work better for you.
Most importantly, Tiffany covers the psychic-y stuff, this is what
makes her so unique. She gives you the 4 11 on everything from what soul
mates are (and what they aren't) to the role of karma in a relationship.
Whether or not you believe in psychics is irrelevant. Find Your Happily
Ever After is about something we all want—bettering our romantic rela­
tionships. What you'll find most is that Tiffany knows about love and is
willing to share her insight. She lets you in on the real deal about dating
and love and doesn't sugarcoat much. It's an incredibly honest approach.
The bonus is that as a psychic, you get to learn from her about the deep­
er, soulful, meaningful connections that will only help you be happier.
— Cooper Lawrence, author of The Yoga Club
[contents]

1 page left in chapter

1

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

Introduction
By no means am I a relationship expert. I don’t have any fancy letters
after my name. I don’t have any advanced degrees designating anything
to acknowledge my end all-be all familiarity in romantic endeavors like
Dr. Phil and Dr. Laura (or any other alleged love guru), but that isn’t
going to stop me from trying to help you out.
What I do have in my intellectual arsenal is over two decades of speak­
ing with people about their relationships. Most of those conversations are
about romantic relationships. So, I think that gives me some insight into
how they may work, and, frankly, how, sometimes, they don’t. That is al­
ways unfortunate, but it is the reality of today’s world.
I am, by profession, a psychic and medium. About 80 percent of my
daily readings focus on relationships. This includes familial relation­
ships, friendships, and workplace connections, but most of my time is fo­
cused solely on romantic relationships— in the crush form, dating, exclu­
sive relationships, friends with benefits, on the outs ... I could go on and
on. Love does, indeed, make the world go ’round. But goodness knows
that love doesn’t make things simple; hence, the questions that are pre­
sented to me during my day-to-day readings.
At least once a day, a client will say “I know you must get sick o f this,”
or “you must hear this all the time, but . . . ” followed by the individual
asking about their particular romantic issue. I’m quick to answer that no,
I absolutely do not get sick o f tuning in (you’ll see me use that term quite
frequently regarding my use of psychic abilities) to an individual’s rela­
tionships.
The first thing I do when tuning in to someone’s relationship is ask
for the name of the person my client has questions about. From there,
what comes through is that person’s attitude, their motivations, their
character, and their perceptions about the relationship. I then relay that
2 pages left in chapter

3 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

information to the client who in turn gives confirmation. Getting the
other person’s perspective gives me far more information than the client
is usually willing to provide. Being able to hear one side of the story (from
my client) and having the ability to see the other, paints a perfectly clear
picture and explains the behavior o f both parties. It enlightens me to the
cause and effect. By knowing what both parties want, I can provide my
client clear guidance and direction. Sadly, sometimes that guidance is a
suggestion to end the relationship altogether.
I’m really happy to help and shed some insight where I can. I am
human after all. I’ve dated. I’ve had the intense crush. I’ve had my heart
broken. I have had to end relationships when I saw they weren’t bene­
ficial. And now, for almost (at the time I’m writing this) twenty years, I’ve
been married. So, I get it.
What you will get out of this book is the reality of relationships. Not
the psychology behind it, but the reality o f truth and dating and romance.
So I hope, dear reader, you’re getting the gist. Although I have had the
grand opportunity and honor to speak with thousands of folks all over the
world throughout the years via psychic readings, I by no means am with­
out experience and personal life lessons. I’ve walked the walk, enjoyed the
blessed moments, and certainly wallowed in the tough ones. Hopefully,
combining all of what I’ve learned, heard, and experienced, I can share
just a little wisdom with you, as you walk on your relationship path.
[contents]

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

Part One
Things You Need to
Know Before Diving In

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

ONE

In the Beginning
I’ve been providing readings for over twenty years. I know it may sound a
little weird, but I started reading for people at my mom's kitchen table
when I was just a child. In fact, one of my very first readings was for my
mom. It gave me a lot of insight into her relationship (she was divorced
by the time we did the reading) with my biological father. To her, it was
just confirmation of what she already knew and understood. But I think
on some level, it validated her feelings and actions that she had taken, let­
ting go o f the relationship years prior.
I grew up having psychic experiences my entire life. Many of my ear­
liest memories are having late-night visits from souls on the other side.
To me, it was just normal— and when you’re about three years old, you
just go with it. They were very transparent, shadowy figures that would
be in the room, chatting away, and I would listen to what they had to say,
report it to my mom the next morning, and then go watch Sesame Street.
Just another day in the life of a young, up-and-coming psychic.
I was raised in a fairly normal household, although my parents di­
vorced when I was five years old. Believe it or not, divorce was still a little
out of the ordinary back in the 1970s. That was the only thing that really
stood out about my childhood, outside of the psychic thing, of course.
However, the divorce did play a part. At a fairly young age, I heard and
saw, firsthand, how relationships fell apart. So, just because I perceive
myself to be a romantic doesn’t mean that I don’t have a sound grasp of
reality regarding those partnerships. That also doesn’t mean I haven’t
gotten hurt, because I have on numerous occasions.
From there, I grew up and dealt with my own up-and-down, topsy­
turvy relationships. It was pretty evident, at least to me, that I was

3 pages left in chapter

3 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

completely into the whole love game early on. And I’m proud to say that I
still keep in contact with a very serious boyfriend from third grade. (Sar­
casm). All joking aside, he’s a wonderful photographer and has done sev­
eral press/PR shots for me. I started dating around the age of sixteen and
had my first serious boyfriend in my junior year of high school. We
dated a year and things ended when he enlisted in the Marine Corps.
And yes, during those hormone-laden years, I was providing readings
outside class time as well.
I had a couple serious relationships in my late teens and early twen­
ties, but I fell madly and deeply in love when I met Bobby. We met at a
bar. How romantic is that? He was out with his girlfriend and Nick, his
best friend, who was also his roommate. I was out with a bunch of my
guy friends when I saw Nick’s beautiful hair and struck up a conver­
sation. I started dating Nick, and when he brought me over to his house,
there sat Bobby on the couch. One evening when it was just the two of
us, Bobby and I started talking— and talking— until I finally fell asleep on
the couch at two in the morning. Nick was surprised that Bobby and I hit
it off so well because Bobby didn’t like anybody, but we instantly had a
deep connection, and we eloped four months later. Would I recommend
this path for everyone? Heck no. In fact, I’d advise against it. It wasn’t
easy. (Think about it—we really only got to know one another because I
was dating his closest friend. That’s a whole other story that’s rife with
conflicting emotion and turmoil for all three o f us. Reconciliation did
occur ... eventually.) And Bobby and I had to reconcile our experience
gap. My husband had been married before and I was only twenty-one.
Enough said. So we both had baggage, although mine was brand-new
and his was a little banged up and torn. And both o f us were chock-full of
issues, the big ones being youth (me) and trust (him). Needless to say,
within one year of marriage, we went right from blissful new love to mar­
riage counseling. We were not about to give up easily, and I am proud to
2 pages left in chapter

2 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

say that we made it through despite the odds (age, trust, families). Al­
though no relationship is ever perfect, I'm not only a happy girl, but I
understand how lucky I am.
[contents]

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

TWO

Soul Mates
Oh the question of soul mates, I hear it almost every day. As the old say­
ing goes, if I had a dime for every time ... Well, maybe in this economy I
would need a quarter. Regardless, it's a big topic of conversation in my
day-to-day readings. But I get it. We're all looking for that special some­
one. Some o f us seem to have found the One and others find that area a
bit more challenging. Let’s talk about what soul mates really are, the
expectations, and, most importantly, the reality.
I blame dating website commercials for the overuse of the term “soul
mates.” I get the marketing technique, but why do they need to over­
sensationalize? Of course—that’s the whole ad game, right? I’ve gotten
up on countless soapboxes professing my contempt with their romanti­
cizing of the term. Unfortunately, it portrays the wrong premise. It gives
folks the idea that A: finding your soul mate is the end all-be all and that
B: soul mates are purely romantic in nature. Both of which aren’t neces­
sarily true.
I asked people for definitions o f “soul mates” on my social media
pages (I love using them for informal focus groups), and I got varied re­
sponses. Before we go any further, I should probably share my thoughts
and viewpoints so you can understand where I’m coming from.
I believe that we, in fact, do have soul mates. However, my perception
isn’t what some would probably consider traditional. First, I do not be­
lieve that they are necessarily romantic in nature. Shocking, right? I be­
lieve that our soul mate may be a platonic friend. Like a best friend. Your
soul mate may be your mom or dad! Can it be a romantic partner? Sure.
But, over the course of twenty years in personal private readings, I’ve
maybe seen that less than a couple dozen times.

5 pages left in chapter

7 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

We learn and grow from everyone we encounter. However, with our
soul mates, it’s a deeper connection and communication— that has noth­
ing to do with romantic attraction. Our soul mates are here to help our
souls evolve. That’s a pretty daunting task. And, although nifty, soul
evolution has nothing to do with physical intimacy. One last thing to con­
sider is that if we were all with our soul mate (and it’s a romantic part­
ner), we would all be in bed all the time and nothing would get accom­
plished. Well maybe not nothing.
Can we have romantic relationships with our soul mate? Sure. All
things are possible in the spiritual world. As I mentioned, however, con­
necting in a romantic way with your soul mate is a pretty rare occurrence.
Although we learn magical, wonderful things from our partners in life,
oftentimes it’s more about weathering the challenges with them than that
absolute, soulful connection. Just because someone isn’t your designated
soul mate doesn’t mean that relationship is any less significant! That’d be
pretty shallow o f the Universe!
Let’s jump into reality for a moment. We, having the human existence,
typically learn a lot more from our bad experiences than we learn from
the good. It’s not fun, and sometimes it’s an out-and-out bummer, but
it’s true. Things we don’t like or care for take up a lot more room in our
head than those that we enjoy. Part o f that is simply survival instinct.
Without it we’d continually burn ourselves or eat poisonous things. Be­
yond just basic survival, we learn patience by feeling impatient. We learn
to control our temper by getting angry. See where I’m going here, folks?
Life is, and I’ve said it many times before and look for it to be repeated
soon, about the experience. And experience, by its nature is as good as it
is bad. So, having that perfect romantic relationship may not be all it’s
cracked up to be!
Quite a few folks have asked the question, “Can we have more than
one soul mate?” As the term “mate” is singular, it’s a pretty good
4 pages left in chapter

5 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

question to ask. Honestly, I’m unsure. My gut tells me that it is a oneand-only type o f thing. I don’t think you can have many. However, the
term soul group consists of various souls making up a unit with a sin­
gular bond/directive. I think that these groups have a collective uncon­
scious that drives them not only to one another, but to a unified goal.
Ultimately, the goal is most important, but they work best together.
When working as a team and having that connectedness, there is a deep­
er connection than focusing energies with other random individuals.
Soul groups originate on the other side. The idea is that as a group, the
lesson can be not only learned as a unit, but brought forth in a more effi­
cient manner by the group. The idea o f a soul group is not for everyone to
get along in this lifetime. That’s wonderful if that’s the case, but some­
times, it’s not. We often use difficulty or adversity to grow beyond what
we perceive as our limitations. So— although unpleasant, a member of a
soul group may not be your best friend.
An example of a soul group is the collective of survivors from 9/11.
These people went through a horrific experience together. Some were at
Ground Zero during the massive event. Some were not there in person
but had lost loved ones. The terrorist attack in 2001 was something that
brought us all together emotionally, but the soul group consists o f those
who were there or immediately impacted by the tragedy.
Another term that is thrown around in the metaphysical and spiritual
community is “twin flame” (also known as twin souls), which is fre­
quently used as synonym for soul mate. But in reality, it is a different en­
tity. Twin flames are two complete souls that were once unified, but
chose to split to further the growth of each. It is believed that although
twin flames often choose to incarnate and come to earth at the same time,
they usually don’t do so in the same geographic area. The idea is that
each soul will have very specific, distinct, different experiences that they
will, ultimately, bring back to each other when they ascend (often thought
3 pages left in chapter

4 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

to happen at the same time) and arrive back on the other side.
An example of twin flames are Elizabeth Taylor and Michael Jackson.
They went through a lot of similar experiences and had common bonds.
Looking at the two, you wouldn't think they'd be such close friends, but
they really did share a bond in life. They were child actors, had very pub­
lic and difficult relationships, were constantly in the media, and had their
lives examined, judged, and critiqued by all. Twin flames may not resem­
ble each other in any way, but the connection goes much deeper and far­
ther back.
For soul mates, who are thought to have lifetimes together, geographic
and physical closeness is important. Because the Universe is so expansive
and there is so much to understand and learn, we like to have one, partic­
ular individual (read: soul) to have not only as a partner in growth, but
also to share the experience with. They comfort us and have an inherent
understanding of who and what we are (embracing the idea that we have
had multiple lives together). Although they may not currently be a soul
mate, we designate them as such. So, through the history, experience, tri­
als, and tribulations, we deem them worthy and choose each other.
I wish I could give you a telltale sign that you have made contact with
your soul mate. Wouldn't it be cool if, say, all of a sudden your eyes
changed color or some other physical transformation occurred? But the
spiritual world doesn't work like that. It's that fantastic free will that we're
all gifted with. We need to find out and determine, ourselves, if we have
made that Divine connection. Regardless, it's nothing to worry about.
Life goes on with or without a soul mate. What is so nifty about the spir­
itual world is it doesn't need credit, applause, or distinction. It's just
happy that you're trying!
One final note on the aspect of soul mates not being romantic part­
ners. In twenty years of providing readings to lovely people all over the
world, I have come across a dozen or so who are romantically involved
2 pages left in chapter

3 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

with their soul mate. However, I have had the joy of connecting with
countless people who have found that their mother, best friend, or some­
one else was working in the role all along. And they couldn’t be happier!
I recently did a reading for a young woman who told me about an ex­
boyfriend. She had an immediate connection with him when they had
first met, but they had just broken up after a year and a half together. She
was hoping they would get back together because she truly believed in
her heart that he was the One— her soul mate. I, unfortunately, did not
see the soul mate connection— all I saw was two people who could only
be friends and would not be successful in a long-term romantic rela­
tionship. My client was a bit heartbroken upon hearing this, but she took
it on faith and we ended the reading. Two weeks later, this client emailed
me and confirmed what I had told her. Since the reading she and her ex­
boyfriend had started communicating again and were in the process of
building a solid foundation for a lifelong non-romantic friendship, one
that would support the other. Both she and the ex-boyfriend had also met
other people they were interested in and were actually able to give each
support and encouragement.
Although I’ve tried to explain to you, dear reader, what soul mates,
soul groups, and twin flames are, it doesn’t mean that you won’t find a
different definition out there. And that’s okay. You have to determine for
yourself what these things are, and even if you believe in the existence.
Really, it’s simply something to contemplate. Ultimately, your soul knows
what it needs to do and where it needs to go. Having the soul mate with
you can help in learning the lessons here, but it’s not the last piece of the
puzzle.
[contents]

1 page left in chapter

2 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

THREE

Settling Versus the One
What the heck is the One? When folks use the term “the One,” I believe
it to mean that one person that we will spend the rest of our lives with.
What people fail to understand is that a lifelong partner doesn't mean
everlasting, unending bliss. We'd probably all agree that there isn't a per­
fect relationship. Heck. We're not perfect ourselves, so how could we ex­
pect two people in a dynamic relationship to get it right all the time. I
think it's unfortunate many people believe that lifelong equals the One. I
know far too many good people in very long-term, and quite unhappy,
relationships. This is something to keep in mind because no matter how
much you think the person is the One, first and foremost you need to
consider your own happiness.
I think it's important to pick generally and choose wisely. You can
quote me on that. What I mean is that you should, absolutely, know those
things that you must have in a relationship. And whatever those things
are, that's your decision. No one can tell you what is important to you.
However, don't make your list so long that it excludes 90 percent of the
population. Maybe have three to five things that are non-negotiable.
From there, be open to whatever comes your way. Use those few things
to pick but choose that relationship with wisdom and flexibility. If it's not
on the short list of deal breakers (we talk about those in chapter four), be
open to potential. Give them a chance. And, more importantly, give your­
self a chance to be the One to another person.
Some realistic ideals that people can focus on and help create the per­
fect combination for the One include living in the same geographical
area, belonging to the same religion, and sharing a similar work ethic.
Some unrealistic ideals that people can get caught up in but really don’t

4 pages left in chapter

5 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

matter include money, looks, occupation, and social status. If you are a
small-town girl, there’s a very small chance that a multimillionaire in a
Porsche is going to sweep you off your feet.
And that leads me to my next p oin t...
What are you doing to be the One for someone else? Let’s face it. Not
one of us could probably win first place in a Best in a Relationship con­
test. We all have our silly quirks and nuances. But because we know our­
selves and live in our own skin, we give ourselves a pass. There’s nothing
wrong with that. It’s human nature. However, being so critical of poten­
tial mates, we must put up the mirror and examine our own lives objec­
tively. If you’re looking for that perfect physical specimen, you need to
make sure you, yourself, are getting on the treadmill consistently. Do you
want someone to take care of you? What would you do to nurture that
other soul? Relationships aren’t all about what is coming your way. It’s
about the give and take. What you are looking for needs to be found with­
in.
Which leads me to this: No one, and I mean no one, will fix you. Get­
ting into a relationship in a troubled state doesn’t make things all better.
If you are dealing with uncommonly difficult monetary issues, kid prob­
lems, or family problems, before you dive into the dating pool, you must
first— at the least— have identified the issues and started implementing a
solution. Don’t buy into the mindset that everything would be hunkydory if only you had a significant other.
It won’t. In fact, bringing another impartial individual into the equa­
tion may actually exacerbate the issue. Think of it this way: Any problem
you are experiencing is completely understood by you and only you. An­
other individual may come in and be pretty critical of that situation and,
ultimately, of you and your actions. So get your stuff straight. The
upcoming relationship will be better off for it.
Now, conceding isn’t giving up. We’re not perfect. We all have our
3 pages left in chapter

4 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

flaws. Understanding and respecting others’ habits isn’t a bad thing. In
fact, in any relationship, no matter how wonderful, we need to pick our
battles. Give and take is the name of the game whether the relationship is
just beginning or you have been married for forty-five years. Honoring
our partner’s ways and means is really a sign of respect and growth with­
in us. And when we do that for others, then our own quirks can be loved
and embraced.
People may associate settling with sacrificing. Settling really means
growth and moving on. Wars are settled. Court cases are settled. There
isn’t anything wrong with settling. In fact, what we settle for may be the
best thing for us. It’s as simple as this: Although we may want the deli­
cious bacon cheeseburger all the time, we all know that there are better,
more nutritious options. (I can relate anything to food.) Nature created
them for balance. Sometimes the bacon cheeseburger is okay— and need­
ed. However, we should not live on them (even if we want to). The same
thing goes with settling. As we get older, what we would have considered
settling in our younger years, becomes exactly the most perfect solution.
So, as you continue on your dating path, continually re-evaluate what
works for you and what doesn’t. You may find that over time, things
shift.
Let me share a story ... Shortly after I was married, I was out with a
single girlfriend. We were at a bar having drinks and a darling guy ap­
proached my pal and started talking to her. She quickly shut him down
and turned her back on him. I was astonished. He seemed cute, funny,
and genuinely interested. When I asked her why the abrupt dismissal,
she told me one thing: “I didn’t like his shoes.”
Was my friend right in doing what she did? She didn’t string this guy
along. She quickly ended the interaction. This guy knew, within ten min­
utes, that he wasn’t going to be getting a phone number, wasn’t going
home with her—heck, he wasn’t even going to get to dance with her and
2 pages left in chapter

3 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

buy her a cocktail afterward. She ruled this guy out by one simple, shallow-as-it-may-be, issue. Could he have been the One? Not in her eyes. In
her eyes, shoes equal much more than just fashion sense. Did I think she
was crazy? Heck yeah. But her rules for dating are hers alone. When she
eventually did meet the man she married, she didn’t care about his
shoes. He wore sneakers all the time. What she worried about with one
guy didn’t matter with the one she fell for.
Maybe it’s just a matter o f growing up. It’s great to live in a fantasy
world where that prince or princess rides up out of nowhere and sweeps
us off our feet. But it’s not very likely. Get over the idea that they might
just show up on your doorstep, too. You’ve got to work for it, people. Al­
though the gift of love is certainly divine, the Universe will provide equal
to the work that we put in, same as our career. I hate to make relation­
ships sound like work, but they are. And yes, our potential partners
should love us for who we are, but we need to make the external reflect
the beauty on the inside. So don’t think you can go around looking like a
schlub and expect a Brad Pitt-esque dude or Angelina Jolie-type of chick
to see the inner you!
The moral of this story is to really decipher what you need versus what
you want. What is most important and relevant in a long-term, happy
relationship? Six-pack abs or someone who is loving and faithful? We all
would probably have the same answer. Try this exercise: Write down your
ideals and then think of how much that will matter fifty years down the
road. Looks, titles, and many other things fade with time. What you will
be left with is character, integrity, loyalty, and, hopefully, love. And that,
my lovely readers, is what it’s all about.
[contents]

1 page left in chapter

2 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

FOUR

Deal Breakers
Deal breakers are those little things that we can’t live without. Or need to
live without, depending on the issue. We all have ’em. For some, they
might be a seemingly small issue that has big significance, like needing
popcorn to watch a movie. For others, it may be as major as religion. Ei­
ther way, we all have those few things, regardless of love for another, that
we need for ourselves first and foremost. What you need to figure out is
what they really, truly, deeply are.

Honesty
Most of us could agree that honesty is of paramount importance, but
along with honesty, comes its first cousin: trust. Without honestly, there
is no basis for a long-lasting, loving relationship. It just can’t be. Just like
we can’t live without food, a good relationship cannot survive without
honesty, and ultimately, trust. If you find out that there are little lies in
the beginning, you can count on bigger, bolder lies as the relationship
progresses. It really is an equation. Unfortunately (and we’ve all been
there), one lie often has to be covered with another equal or larger lie.
And so it snowballs. So, guys and gals, if you’re busting your new roman­
tic partner on an untruth, however small it may be, think twice about pro­
ceeding forward. If you do, chances are you will come to regret it.

Cheating
Since we’re talking about trust, let’s touch on the issue of cheating. Be­
lieve it or not, cheating isn’t a deal breaker for everyone. Some may find it
within their heart to not undo a relationship because their partner
stepped outside of it. Personally, and I’m only speaking for me, it is abso­
lutely something that I could not live with. I don’t believe I have that kind
of forgiveness or compassion in my heart. However, where you stand on

8 pages left in chapter

10 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

that issue is something you’ll have to determine on your own. For some,
under certain conditions, it can be explained and forgiven. For others, it’s
an absolute. My advice, and I could not suggest it enough, is to look with­
in and determine where you are at with that issue at the beginning of
every new romantic relationship. When you find the answer within your­
self, have that conversation with your new interest. You may find that
you’re on the same page. You may find that you have very different per­
spectives. Whatever the case, you should have the discussion. If you find
that you don’t agree, let the relationship go.

Sexuality
I’m just putting this out there. You need to do the same. In this day and
age of people being polyamorous, bisexual, transgendered, etc., you need
to be upfront with what you are okay with, what you’re about, and what
you’re into. Okay. This may not be first-date talk. But I definitely think
it’s fodder for a second date. Beyond that, you are just hiding yourself.
Surprisingly, we are becoming a pretty worldly society thanks to global
news and the Internet. We understand the dimensions to love and where
it takes people. So, whether you are a mainstream, one-on-one, hetero­
sexual sort of person or someone who is open to other concepts of love,
be committed to the decision. And have the courage and freedom to con­
vey it.

Politics
Another hot topic is politics. Yep. That stuff that we see on CNN and
FOX News day in and day out. Believe it or not, behind money (the num­
ber one strain on relationships), studies have shown that differences in
political views can cause great hardship in marriages. Now, more often
than not, our political views are developed and determined a little later in
life— oftentimes after marriage. However, if you developed your political
viewpoint early, during your dating years— put it out there! Although
many of us were taught never to speak about sex, religion, or politics, if
7 pages left in chapter

9 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

it’s one of your core convictions, it needs to be communicated. Now, com­
munication doesn’t mean debating, preaching, or convincing. Communi­
cation is just telling a potential suitor your perspective. That’s all.
And since I just mentioned religion ...

Religion
Your belief system is just that—yours. Whether or not you subscribe to
one o f the world’s major religions or find that simple spirituality is more
your cup of tea, you need to let that be known. Can a Fundamentalist
Baptist and a Unitarian get along? Most certainly. Can they have a
romantic relationship in which they fulfill and nurture each other with­
out stepping on personal belief systems? That depends on each indi­
vidual. The biggest hurdle is determining what is going to happen long
term. When and if children come into the mix, how will they be raised?
Are they baptized in one faith or the other? Who wins? While relation­
ships are unquestionably based on compromise, this is one o f those is­
sues that is so deeply individual, we rarely want to concede on any level.
That’s why knowing where you stand and determining how much you
are willing to compromise is essential before entering into anything long
term.

Children
Another major deal breaker is children— to have them or not. Now,
sometimes this is out of our hands no matter how much we would like to
be parents. Unfortunately, biology has a hand in this. However, for most,
it’s determined by the couple. Are you willing to be a parent? I know, for
some, as crazy as this may sound, it’s determined by who we end up part­
nering with. I’ve known several women who, when single, never thought
o f themselves as mothers and were quite adamant about not having kids.
However, when they found themselves in that loving, long-term commit­
ment, their thoughts changed. Fortunately for us, all of the deal breakers
can be changed, altered, or added as we ourselves change. Children are a
6 pages left in chapter

8 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

prime example. A dear client o f mine married a man who had children
from a previous relationship and had no desire to have any more. My
client, at that time, was perfectly fine with not having children, and they
married and had a fabulous start to their life together. But as time went
on, she realized that she really did want to have children. When she men­
tioned this to her husband, he said, “We already discussed this. I’ve al­
ready raised two children. I’m done with that part of my life.”
When I tuned in to this relationship all I could see was broken­
heartedness over not being able to deepen the bond with her husband by
having a child with him. She loved her stepchildren deeply, but desired to
bear one of her own, something she and her husband would create to­
gether out of their love for one another. However, she knew going in that
her husband did not share that same desire. Although her wants and
needs changed since the beginning of the relationship, her husband’s de­
sires had not, and this put a great deal of strain on the marriage. It got so
bad that my client turned to prescription drugs to fill the void. This in
turn required a great deal of counseling and therapy. In the end, my
client decided her husband and her marriage were more important than
anything else and she came out the other end clean, happy, and closer to
her husband than ever before. Now she laughs about this period in her
life and jokes about how buying and raising a couple of dogs was the best
therapy she ever gave herself.

Geography
It’s happened to many of us. We meet a stranger, get all those butterflies
and feel a sense of attraction only to find that the individual lives five
hundred miles away. Geography can be a deal breaker. Let’s be real. Love
is love beyond culture, background, and class. However, it makes life a lot
easier if they are at least semi-local. This isn’t to say that you don’t have
the bandwidth to handle something more geographically impaired. You
very well may. As with all o f the above deal breakers, it’s something you
5 pages left in chapter

6 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

may want to consider prior to investing emotions with a new love. Are
you okay with the two-hour drive to see one another? Or, maybe, worse
yet, it’s a situation where you can only see each other once a month? Can
that be the foundation for a solid, committed relationship? That's up to
you.

Moral Objections
What if your new love works in a field that you feel compromises your
morality or integrity? Think about it. As we all know and I've stated many
times before, we live in an ever-expanding world. Along with that expan­
sion comes various careers that wouldn't be considered mainstream.
Heck, look at what I do for a living. Being a psychic is not exactly under­
stood in the same manner as a dentist or accountant. What if you find
yourself caring for someone who runs an adult website? Or maybe the
person you're falling for works for a tobacco company. What are you okay
with? Ultimately, it’s the person who should be evaluated and not their
occupation. However, sometimes it's hard to discern between the two.

Finances
O f course, if we're thinking about the job, we have to talk about financial
situations. I don’t believe that money can buy you happiness. But it does
bring freedom and ultimately, that freedom can make things a lot easier.
Getting involved with someone with a sketchy financial history can make
life really messy, especially if you happen to marry that someone. Most of
us have had hiccups at some point with our finances. That’s not what I'm
talking about. I'm talking about major debt, foreclosures, bankruptcies,
that sort of thing. As I write this, the economy is not in the best shape, so
we have a great deal of understanding as to the why's and how’s o f subpar financial situations.
However, we can make the choice not to combine our financial situations
with someone who has been or is currently in a monetary pickle. This
isn't a topic that needs to be discussed on a first date. In fact, I would say
4 pages left in chapter

5 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

hold off on this conversation for a bit. Wait until the fifth or the sixth
date. Money, right next to health, is an extremely personal topic and one
that isn’t necessary to divulge right up front. But it is something to think
about before investing emotionally.

Hygiene and Health
This could be a gross one ... hygiene and health. No one likes to be with
someone who is smelly. It’s really just that simple. Take care o f yourself.
Brush your teeth. Clean under your fingernails. All that good stuff that
mom taught you as a toddler. Of course, if you don’t have hygiene work­
ing for you, you probably won’t have to worry about the relationship. No
one will want to hang out long enough to become invested. Sorry. It’s a
harsh world, and I’m just preaching the truth. To take this one step fur­
ther, if you become engrossed in a long-term relationship, don’t slack off
in this area. Just because we have found love doesn’t mean we can let
ourselves go. Investing the time to doll up, as I like to call it, shows the
other person that you still care about them.
Now, health, on the other hand, isn’t so upfront. We can have scads of
health issues that aren’t apparent by simply looking at someone. STDs
(sexually transmitted
diseases) are a perfect example. I don’t believe that chronic conditions
should be left to be discovered months into the relationship. That could
result in quite a shock to someone after they’ve become very emotionally
attached. They weren’t deceived exactly, but the full and open truth
hadn’t been exposed. Thankfully we live in a time where diseases of the
past are easily managed and better understood. Think about what you, as
a single person, are willing to live with. Be true to yourself in this arena
because if you aren’t, you could end up really hurting someone dear.

Habits
We all have habits. Some are good, such as being consistent about wear­
ing your safety belt in a car or visiting the dentist every six months. Some
3 pages left in chapter

4 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

may be not so great, like smoking cigarettes, chewing tobacco, or drink­
ing alcohol. You may encounter, as you search for your long-term com­
panion, an individual that indulges in an activity you don’t agree with.
Whether it’s something that just grosses you out or is an issue of moral­
ity, take time to ponder those behaviors and determine what you can live
with. Keep in mind, however, that you, and your good influence, may be
just the thing to change that nasty habit! Just don’t waste too much time
and effort being the catalyst for that change.

Family
Believe it or not, family can and may be a deal breaker. There’s a reason
so for all those mother-in-law jokes. But all kidding aside, having family
issues can take a toll on a relationship. Do you have a parent that is just a
little too involved in your life? A major part of any relationship is the tran­
sition from immediate family (parents and siblings) being your only fam­
ily to allowing your partner to create and be that new family, adding in
new traditions, belief systems, and protocol. Another potential issue is
the behavior of family members. As much as career, financial issues, and
religion are part of your immediate relationship, they become an adjacent
issue when involving the family. An extended family’s opinions and be­
liefs can become a major source of conflict. Our families are an extension
o f ourselves. As the relationship becomes deeper, we need to connect the
new part of us (that other individual we are committed to) to our history
and background (our family). And therein can lie issues, which are just
one more thing to add to the list of items to work through prior to allow­
ing yourself to grow deeper in any relationship.

Abuse
One thing that we can all agree on as a deal breaker is any form of abuse.
Don’t tolerate it for one moment. No one deserves physical, mental, or
emotional abuse under any circumstance. If you find yourself in an abu­
sive situation, the only thing to do is to get out as fast as possible. Get out
2 pages left in chapter

3 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

for yourself and get out for the individual creating the situation. It’s only
then that the healing can begin. No one benefits from being tolerant of
mistreatment in any form.
As you can see, many deal breakers are tolerable depending on the per­
son involved. There are variables in every situation.
For example, when I was younger, I absolutely hated guys who chewed
tobacco. The vision of them spitting into an old soda bottle is just dis­
gusting. But when I met Bobby, guess what he did? He chewed tobacco.
It's disgusting, but in the grand scheme o f things, it was something I
could tolerate. I wasn't pleased, and I double- and triple-checked my soda
bottle every time
I took a drink because I was deathly afraid of ingesting disgusting
chaw spit, but he was too awesome to kick to the curb for something so
trivial. Thankfully that addiction has passed, for the most part. It’s some­
thing that I vowed never to tolerate, but I did for the right fella.
It's handy to think about what you would do, ahead of time, in any
given situation, and how much you could tolerate something you dis­
liked. Be prepared. By doing this, we set standards for ourselves and our
relationships before becoming overly committed. A great exercise is to
write out a list of small, medium, and large deal breakers. It allows you to
include the petty things that would be annoying but not horrible, like
nose hair, and highlight the things that are more substantial, such as
children, religion, geography, and all the rest of the big ones.
[contents]

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

FIVE

The Dork Within
So much of the relationship process starts with dating. Even if you’re one
of those people who dives head first into relationships, it all still starts
with a first date. Whether it is dinner, visiting a museum, coffee, or a
movie, the process needs to start somewhere, so here we go ...
I’m a big advocate of being exactly who you are right from the get-go.
Our flaws and foibles make us who we are. This is how we are different
and unique. Of course, at first we’re all on our best behavior. That’s just
human nature. Sure, we do try to impress and chew with our mouths
closed. However, beyond the pleasantries, we just need to throw caution
to the wind and simply be ourselves. Seems like a pretty simple idea,
doesn’t it?
It’s not. For a lot of folks, we make ourselves, or, maybe better said,
portray ourselves as something we are not. Ladies and gentlemen, this is
a bad idea. Oh, such a very, super, bad idea.
If you pretend to be something you are not, like a whitewashed wall,
who you really are will eventually come through and may surprise the
person you’re trying to impress. Here’s a little theory that I’ve cooked up
over the last several years speaking to both men and women about who
they date and end up in relationships with (get that pen and paper ready,
because it may rock your world):
We all like a little crazy.
That’s it. No one wants (as I like to call it) a Ward and June Cleaver
relationship forever. They’re boring. They may be incredibly healthy.
They may be comfortable. And they’re definitely stable. I’m sure they’ll
have a few laughs now and again. But, overall, it’s boring. We get enough
boring at work; we get some boring from family too. We even find boring

4 pages left in chapter

4 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

within our friendships. We don’t need it in our relationships that hope­
fully become our home life.
Now, when I use the term crazy, I obviously don’t mean it literally.
Don’t date serial killers, child molesters, or pyromaniacs. What I’m say­
ing is that we all have quirks. Most of us have something we obsess over
a bit. Phobias happen. We may even have things in our past that we’re
not proud of and have had to make some sort of public restitution for.
That’s okay. That’s character, and frankly, it makes for interesting conver­
sation when courting.
I want to talk about the sorts of things that I really feel need to be dis­
closed. Most o f these aren’t deal breakers, but may cause friction or an
awkward moment or two when getting to know one another. Let’s dive in.
Sports freaks, yes, I’m looking at you Mr. or Ms. Five or Six Fantasy
Leagues. It’s great that you have a hobby and even better that it’s above­
board and law abiding. However, if it takes up several hours a week all
year long, it really needs to be discussed. If you paint any part of your
body to go to the game, you should talk about it. You haven’t washed the
team’s jersey/T-shirt/sweats in three years because you’re superstitious
about them getting to the playoffs? Bring it up. You’re a fan. We can all
understand that. But if you’re going to pick your wedding date to coor­
dinate with your favorite player’s birthday, you may want to get your part­
ner to buy in. That’s a little bit crazy, but something that we can all cope
with—but only if we understand and know all about it up front, in ad­
vance.
We all know ourselves, and we know how we act and react to all sorts
o f situations. We know under pressure and strain how we handle it and
where we turn. So do not kid yourself. And especially don’t play around
with others’ thoughts and feelings. Although dating and being in any
relationship is about discovering the other’s foibles, if you know you have
a temper, it’s going to do an extreme amount of good if you let the
3 pages left in chapter

3 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

interested party know that. If you know that you’re passive-aggressive
and maybe not the fairest arguer out there, well that is just good infor­
mation to pass along. Do you shut down and hole up when confronted?
There’s nothing wrong with that, but before a situation arises, why not
share that tidbit of information? By doing this, you’re letting the other
person know that you A: care enough to share a vulnerability, and B: are
potentially squelching an issue that could further the argument or inci­
dent. We all have our quirks. When you share yours, it becomes the kind
o f crazy we can or should all embrace.
A crazy that 98 percent of us can relate to (no pun intended—you’ll see
what’s coming) is the crazy family kind of crazy. If we don’t have immediate-fam-ily drama, we have extended-family drama. If you don’t have ei­
ther, you must be an alien. I joke. All of us, even if we’re the small frac­
tion of a percent that doesn’t have family issues, can sympathize. We see
it all around us whether on the news or hearing it from friends. If you
have your own family drama, you may want to disclose it pretty early on.
It’s unfortunate that familial issues can affect us so deeply on an emo­
tional level. But they do. Someone can do something out of pure humor
or innocence and have it turn out, due to unforeseen family issues, very
sour. Using a specific word that was negatively used in your household
can trigger a response that an outsider wouldn’t see coming. Or maybe
it’s trust. Due to the high level o f divorce in the United States, many chil­
dren o f divorce have abandonment issues as adults. Fortunately for us, as
I mentioned prior, most all of us can relate. So what you think may be
your family’s crazy just may be another’s normal everyday under­
standing.
The bottom line here is to not only share your own personal version of
crazy, but to think about, specifically, the kind o f crazy you are okay with.
It’s these varying degrees of experience, quirkiness, and idiosyncrasies
that make up the population today. And embrace the fact that nobody
2 pages left in chapter

2 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

loves boring! It doesn't matter what kind of a freak you are, somebody
will love your freak.
[contents]

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

S IX

They Don’t Care
What You Wear or
What You Drive
It's unbelievable how much thought we put into how we present our­
selves when we’re out in the dating world. Hair, makeup (that applies
mainly to gals, but with the new trend of guyliner, I’m keeping it gender
neutral), clothes— not to mention the time that we put into thinking
about conversations, opening lines, and what we’re willing to divulge
about our lives. So let’s cut through the BS. Let’s get to the heart of what
really matters and what couldn’t matter less. Those are the lovely myths
and misnomers of the dating world.

The Ride
I’m sure that there are girls out there who really do care what vehicle a
boy is driving. But what we might find interesting or enchanting for a
moment does not a relationship make. Car schmar. Although most of us,
regardless of gender, can appreciate a fancy car, never in my thirty-plus
years have I known any gal to date a guy just on that alone. Having a car
in order to get around is pretty important. Type, model, or make is pretty
trivial. And let’s face it, if she really just cares about the car, is that the
kind of girl you really want to invest your time, money, and gas on?

The Clothes
Conversely, ladies, guys really don’t care what you’re wearing. Outside of
being clean and somewhat put together, they aren’t noticing whether the
frock is Prada or JC Penney. It’s all about how you carry yourself. The
time-tested, classic, standard will always be proven— guys like girls in a
plain old T-shirt and jeans rather than a cocktail dress. Can they appre­
ciate the time and effort into getting dressed up and putting on

4 pages left in chapter

5 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

something more revealing? Sure. But when it comes down to it, a white
shirt and blue jeans will win every time. While we are talking about exter­
nal appearances, I can say that not one time in my extremely informal
poll (via social media and various nights out with friends), did I hear “I
really like a girl that wears a lot of make-up.” In fact, it was quite the
opposite. With cosmetics, less is more. Now, that doesn’t mean that less
is none. Less is a look of a clean face with enhancement (as I like to call
it).

Name-dropping
We like to associate ourselves with other people. It helps communicate
our rank, class, and status in life. Not to mention that it can create a bond
between two people if they have a common acquaintance. However, that’s
where the coolness ends. Don’t date someone for who they know. Men­
tioning celebrities, sport figures, and stars doesn’t cost anything and is
pretty unverifiable. Who knows, in this day and age of Twitter and Facebook, a celeb may have given a shout-out, but that sure doesn’t mean
they’re friends— or even acquaintances. Unfortunately we live in a time
where we are impressed by notoriety and somehow admire those in the
media. Don’t get swept up with these brushes with fame. In romantic
relationships, it’s who you are, not who you know.

Big, um, Hands
You were probably expecting something other than hands. Guys, I hate to
break it to you, but we’re not going to date you or reject you due to size ...
of hands. (If you’re not getting the innuendo here, just move on to the
next paragraph.) Don’t try, in any way, to express your physical prowess.
It’s just gross. Not to mention awkward, off-putting, and creepy. We don’t
need to know your shoe size either. Locker room-type talk needs to stay
in the locker room.

Your Past
The saying goes, once a cheat, always a cheat. Although I’m not fond of
3 pages left in chapter

4 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

cheating, this little cliche isn't always the case. Unfortunately, with cheat­
ing, most often it's more about the entire situation/relationship rather
than the individual. Just ask any cheater. They'll be the first to tell you
that the relationship had problems far beyond (and likely far before) the
cheating. Let’s face it, if we live by this rule, we'd all have scarlet letters on
our sweaters. Who hasn't had a cheating moment in high school? Or
maybe even college. But you can't take that with you into your adult life.
We all know those people that are serial cheaters. That's not who we’re
talking about here. Remember to judge every person and every potential
relationship as if it's your first.

Job Titles and Prestige
Don't try to impress with a job title, bogus or otherwise. I know gals who
are deeply in love with worm farmers (Yes. There's such a thing.) And I
know guys who are completely entranced by the gal at the dry cleaner.
Conversely, there are women who can’t stand their doctor husband and
guys that can barely live with their attorney wife. Careers and titles don’t
necessarily define people. And they certainly don't define character or in­
tegrity. Who doesn't know someone with a lofty professional label, but is,
ultimately, a total ass?

What Do We Care About?
So, if we aren't supposed to care about looks, money, cars, clothes, or con­
nections, what's left? I’m glad you asked.
Everything else is just a thing. It's not you. What is important is that
you are exactly who you are. Nothing of what makes you who you are can
be purchased in a store: your soul, sense of humor, personality. Be up
front and honest with people, and who cares what clothes you're wearing
or what car you’re driving; those are just material things that do not mat­
ter, nor do they make someone perfect. No one is perfect. We are who we
are, so just be you. We are beings of life, not of things.
Guys: The number one thing that has been proven, over and over in
2 pages left in chapter

3

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

poll after poll is that women love a sense of humor, period. Ask any gal
on the street and you can rest assured that's what you'll hear. We love
guys that will make us laugh. You don’t have to be a stand-up comedian.
That’s what’s so great about it. Humor is relative and as such, individual
in every person. So, there’s someone out there for every type of laugh.
Dry humor, there’s a gal for that. Naughty or vulgar jokes, some girl out
there loves it. Keep that in mind. Open with a witty comment or joke and
you’ll have our attention. You don’t have to be the class clown or Chris
Rock. You will find someone who loves your sense of humor and wack­
iness.
Gals: The number one thing that guys want is honesty, which goes
right along with trustworthiness. Believe it or not, when a guy gets cheat­
ed on, they take it harder than women. I’ve seen it time and time again in
my practice. Although a woman becomes wounded initially, we seem to
move through that and heal more rapidly. Guys, on the other hand, ini­
tially seem to be tough and a little callous. Then the hurt sets in days or
weeks later, only to linger for quite a while. So don’t mislead those boys.
Don’t laugh at their jokes if you don’t think they are funny. Don’t lead
them on because you don’t have anything better to do. If it’s not working
for you, let it go. (We talk more about that in another section of the book.)
The main thing that I hear from both genders is that we all want con­
sistency. Here’s why: Inconsistency makes us feel as if we’re going crazy.
It makes us feel like we didn’t remember something correctly or behaved
poorly in the past. We love a habit. We like to know what to expect. That
way, we can behave in a way that has had a proven response. So it’s pretty
easy. In the same way that one plus one always equals two, we’d like the
ebb and flow o f our relationships to be somewhat of a pattern.
[contents]

1 page left in chapter

2 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

SEVE N

The Most
Important Attributes
There are a lot of things that attract us to the opposite sex. And make no
mistake; we all have a type. Of course, there are different combinations
and versions of that type, but we sure have ’em. That all being said, there
are a few things we all look for and find attractive in a potential partner or
spouse. And believe it or not, looks and/or appearance are not even in the
top three.
I don’t think any gal really believes that it’s all about the make-up, hair,
or clothes when attracting a suitor. However, it seems to really be where
we put our focus. We girls think we must have just the right shoes and
our hair coiffed just so. Spray tan applied in just the right shade. I think
we all know the truth. Boys couldn’t give a rip. Now, they don’t want us to
be smelly, haggard, or outwardly offensive. But simply being presentable
works. Do they notice when we go all out and doll up? Sure. Do they ex­
pect that 1oo percent of the time? Nope. When I took a random poll, once
again using my social media network, the girl-next-door look won out
over glamour girl, goth girl, athletic girl, and hippie chick— in a landslide.
Boys (my generic term for males regardless of age) love the gal in a Tshirt and jeans. They’re not looking for labels, trends, or fashion mo­
ments. Boys like unfussy. It’s about being the all-American girl ready to
take a hike, go to a club, or see a concert.
Which leads me to my next point: Boys want the Mary Ann, not the
Ginger. For those of you not familiar, I’m referencing Gilligan’s Island, a
TV show that aired from 1964 to 1967. It portrayed some archetypical
characters stranded on an island. Although the reference is a major
stereotype, it still fits and applies today. Mary Ann was the farmer’s

4 pages left in chapter

5

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

daughter, the girl-next-door type. She was approachable, cute, and downto-earth. Ginger on the other hand was the va-va-voom starlet. She had
perfect hair, the come-hither voice and sparkly dresses. (Although it was
only a three-hour tour, somehow she had packed a full wardrobe.) But
here is the secret: Boys interpret glammed-up girls as labor intensive.
And let’s face it; although the boy h im self may be quite high mainte­
nance, they all want girls who are not afraid to get dirty. (Don’t go to the
naughty version. This is the literal meaning o f dirty.)
Although boys have an understanding that most o f us want to play
dress-up now and again, they don’t really care for that scenario. Think o f
how much they crab when they simply have to wear a tie. The same
thought process transcends to women. I f it’s more work to put on a tie,
it’s going to be more work, more time, and more trouble for a girl to get
her face on. They’d rather just take it easy and make things as simple as
possible.
Now for the boys ...
I know it’s hard for girls to believe, but with the onset o f the metrosexual, it’s getting easier to comprehend— boys care about how they look.
But boys need to understand that, we, as women, also don’t really care.
More than anything, attraction is about how you make us feel. I f you
men haven’t gotten the memo, women are about the emotion. That’s why
we talk about our feelings so darn much. Duh! Although we like pretty,
shiny things, it really comes down to how we react to what you say and
do.
Not only don’t we care about how you look, we really do not care about
what kind o f car you drive either. And beyond giving you a stable income
and ability to live on your own, we really don’t care about your profession.
O f course, we like to know and see that you have plans, dreams, and goals
for the future, not your fancy job title. Prestige and awe is temporary.
What makes a successful relationship are the thoughts, feelings, and
3 pages left in chapter

4 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

caring between the two individuals. So the moral of the story is to stop
BS-ing women when trying to meet them. Do you really want us to be at­
tracted to you (temporarily) by a false pretense that really doesn’t matter
anyway? And, frankly, it’s pretty douchey to open any conversation by
bragging about your job, whether it’s dentist, doctor, or door maker.
Again, it’s about how guys make us feel. Specifically, if you really want
the inside track, just make us laugh. I’ve said this before, but it’s worth
repeating: Humor is major. Once again, I asked the ladies in my trusted
social media network what they look for most in a man. Absolute numero
uno answer was humor. It seems being funny trumps good looking and
wealthy every time. Not that those things aren’t important because they
are. If a boy can make us laugh, our heart belongs to him and all other
things just fall to the wayside. Humor is endearing. We all know that
there are going to be rough sides to relationships no matter how perfect
we think we are. So, on a deep soul level, we know if you can make us
laugh, we’ll get through those troubled times with you standing by our
side.
One more thing for the stronger (physically speaking) of the species:
we gals are looking for understanding. (They may take away my girl card
for sharing such a substantial secret with the men folk.) You men think­
ing that we need apologies. We don’t, unless you mean them, and they
are necessary. BUT more than anything, and I can’t stress this enough,
women want to be understood. Say those words to us and everything else
can be reconciled and figured out. If you understand why we are upset
(this includes angry, frustrated, in a general bad mood) we’ll heal and
move through the issue exponentially faster. I promise.
I cannot tell you how many times, in reading after reading, women
have confessed to me that if their partner would just get them, they could
move on and create a happier, more fulfilling relationship. Boys, don’t
think for one minute that the relationship isn’t guided by the girl. It is.
2 pages left in chapter

3 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

Deal with it. Understanding someone goes so much further than just the
isolated apology. It speaks to the connection between the two individuals
and gives accountability if the situation arises again. An apology is simply
that. An “I’m sorry.” Understanding says that we have processed the
issue and realize what will happen if the same actions are taken again.
When you do that, it signals that you get us and understand why we re­
acted the way we did. That’s what’s important to us.
A final note for both men and women: It’s often said that we don’t
want to marry our parents. That’s because we often vividly remember
their bad characteristics. On the other hand, we, as people are naturally
attracted to something familiar— good or bad. To me, this simply means
we want to do better for ourselves and potentially for our children by
avoiding our parents’ flaws and foibles. So it’s true in the sense that we
should take note o f those traits of our parents that we’re not so fond. But
we should also identify the good stuff. Then when you are seeking a part­
ner keep those traits in mind. And remember, just because something is
familiar (emotional distance, bad habits, etc.), doesn’t mean it’s good.
[contents]

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

E IG H T

Bad Boys and Girls
Those bad boys and those bad girls; we all know one when we see them.
Who hasn’t had the Betty vs. Veronica debate? They’re portrayed in tele­
vision and in the movies, often corrupting the innocent one that they set
their sights on, and we love it. We love the idea of drama, and the poten­
tial for change ... in either direction. We adore that little devil who turns
into a little angel. We love it even more when we see someone let loose
and tap into their wild side. But is that wild child for you?
We are drawn to those that may be less than beneficial for us for
countless reasons. It could be as simple as the excitement. Walking on
the edge, knowing we could fall at any moment is pretty darn exciting—
especially if we’ve lived our lives as upstanding, follow-the-rules type of
folks. Maybe we want to heal the badness out of someone. We, some­
times, associate bad coming from a previous, harsh experience or exis­
tence. So, we want a fixer-upper. We see the potential and greatness with­
in them. We want to take away the pain and the hurt of what has come
before. Or maybe, just maybe we recognize something within ourselves.
Although we couldn’t bring ourselves to just let it loose, that other person
may provide just the excuse.
When I was in high school, I was an angel. I never had detention, I
didn’t skip school, I didn’t do drugs, and I never broke curfew. I was the
typical Midwestern good girl. But then I met a bad boy. He was the poster
child for who you don’t want your daughter to date. (My poor mother!)
You name it, he (a high school dropout) did it: drugs, alcohol, ques­
tionable escapades. Why was I attracted to him? I don’t know. There was
something about him living by his own means. He didn’t have a lot of
support from his family, and they didn’t care what trouble he got into.

5 pages left in chapter

6 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

Compared to his siblings, he was a good kid. The relationship was in­
tense. I had a headache for two years. I cried every day. I tried to get an
intervention with his parents so they could stop him from drinking and
drugging, but he didn’t listen. I worried about him so much that he
ended up breaking up with me. He didn’t want a girlfriend who nagged
about and condemned his behavior. It was awful all around. The main
lesson I learned was to not date alcoholic drug users. No really, after all
was said and done, I realized I had value. I realized that I needed to be
treated well. I realized I loved his family more than I loved him, but the
constant excitement and craziness became too much.
So maybe we, by dating the bad boy or girl, are just projecting some­
thing within ourselves. You get addicted to the crazy and are caught up in
the whirlwind of their life. Crazy becomes normal. It’s hard to determine
what is real and what isn’t. Crazy is what you are pushed to; it’s not an
authentic emotion. It’s a reaction. And it’s hard to break out of that cycle.
You may want to ponder that notion. If there is something that you just
need to express and this other person is giving you a venue, why not just
go after it yourself? Although we live in a world that is becoming more
and more connected, it’s also giving us opportunities to have experiences
and connect with people outside of the norm, whatever your personal
normal may be. With the virtual world, we can be and do almost anything
or anyone.
What defines someone as bad? Heck, that could be a book in and o f it­
self. It could just be attitude. Nothing turns on the typical guy or gal like
someone who doesn’t give a crap. Not giving a crap is pretty freeing ... in
some instances. When they don’t return phone calls, emails, and texts,
then it’s pretty darn annoying. The badness could be from a sense of
style. As superficial as it may be, and crazy as it might seem, presenting
yourself a bit out o f the mainstream can be exciting. Think about gals that
really ... ahem ... put themselves out there. I’m trying to be tactful. They
4 pages left in chapter

5 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

don’t care if their skirts are too short or their necklines are too low. It’s a
statement. They’re going to get looks of lust and looks of scorn. And
they’re okay with all of it.
Believe it or not, we still live in a world where badness can be simply a
faith, culture, or geographic background. Seems a little antiquated in this
day and age, but it’s still out there. This ideal is predominantly perpet­
uated by very traditional families with limited viewpoints. If your version
o f bad is limited by what your family thinks is bad, I recommend this:
GET OVER IT. The world is getting smaller every day. We don’t have the
barriers to diversity anymore, so we need to embrace people from all
walks of life. Don’t allow a familial conviction to dictate who you are
going to love.
Of course there are deeper forms of bad, like criminals and such. But
let’s face it. Our good sense usually tells us to stay away from the truly
evil.
In some ways, bad can be good. If you are just too much of a goodygoody, a little bad may be just what the doctor ordered. For those who re­
ally live life reined in, dating someone with tattoos or a mischievous his­
tory may do you some good! Life is about the experience. Those we date
and have relationships with give us that experience without having to go
through the trials and tribulations ourselves. We can learn through them,
from the good and the bad. Not to mention, opposites attract! Where you
may be less spontaneous, your partner might bring that zest for life and
joie de vivre back into your world! So it’s not all wrong to dip your toes
into the tempting pool of badness.
Perhaps the interest in the rebel vibe is just the challenge o f getting
noticed by them. Maybe you want to tame that wild side and settle them
down a bit. Although most o f us would agree that the chase is great fun,
you have to remember that the chase doesn’t make a relationship. It’s a
moment in time amid something longer term. And even if they’re bad,
3 pages left in chapter

4 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

they have feelings too. It’s not fair to pursue anyone, bad or good, then
get bored and move on after you've attracted their attention. Be certain
that your intentions, if choosing to pursue the bad boy or girl, are honor­
able.
Part of the attraction may be the idea that we can tame the crazy, bad
behavior out of 'em. If that concept seems attractive to you, let me share
this thought: What happens after the wildness has left the building? Are
you then left with a boring, otherwise uninteresting individual? Then
what? You’ve not only deflated the relationship, but possibly changed
someone into something they are not. Not only that, but you wasted time
and effort that could have been focused on finding a more productive,
realistic relationship.
Maybe those baddies are just more sensitive? It's a theory. It’s not that
they mean to be bad or intentionally project a bad vibe. It's their circum­
stance, past, and/or history. They may be wounded from what they’ve ex­
perienced. That, at least in part, is probably true. Sexy as the wound may
be, you have to understand the proverbial baggage that goes along with
that. There might be familial issues, maybe financial issues to boot. Not
to mention the hurt may stem from a past romantic relationship that
your potential partner may just not be over. So, vulnerable as they may be
in their badness, think about how much you may, or may not, want to
take on.
But hey, what about the good guy or good gal? Far too often we over­
look those that are sweet, stable, and emotionally available, and ...
SHOCKER ... interested in us as well! We don't find them exciting
enough. If they want us, why would we want them? Too nice equals bor­
ing—we all know it, so I will just say it outright.
Sometimes the too-nice person who isn't your type is exactly who you
should be with. A client of mine had dated a string of bad girls. Partied all
night, got arrested— all-around bad behavior. A friend of his said he had
2 pages left in chapter

3 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

the perfect girl for him. She was a financially stable homeowner with an
8 to 5 job, and she had no prior record and no children. She even had a
fabulous relationship with her family. My client did not want to waste his
time with a goody-goody. His previous relationship was with a part-time
belly dancing moocher. But being that his buddy let him crash on his
couch after the moocher kicked him out and found another fella, he fig­
ured what the hell. The blind date was a success. They instantly clicked,
and he found someone who was grounded and appreciated him. She
brought out his true nature, and he was finally content and happy. After
struggling with happiness and contentment for so many years, he finally
was able to be himself, love someone, and be loved back without excuses.
And this was all from a woman who he said was not his type.
Kind reader, don't give up on the nice. Dig deep. You're going to find
a little bit of bad boy or bad girl in everyone. Don't brush off or ignore a
potential suitor because they can take care of themselves. Established
individuals have proven themselves. They aren't the lump of coal. They're
the actual diamond! Take the opportunity to learn of their success and
make that an exciting part of your relationship!
[contents]

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

N IN E

Change
Within thirty seconds of mentioning my idea for this book to the public,
the overwhelming request was to speak to the idea o f changing someone,
or more specifically, to not set out to change anyone. So, if you want to
cut this section of the book short, leave with this: Don’t try to change any­
one into who you think they should be. It doesn’t work. Pushing some­
one to change only creates discontent and resentment. It will never work
out well. Now, if that wasn’t enough for you, let’s continue.
We all see the strengths and weaknesses in our chosen partners. My
husband continues to leave socks lying around the house. I forget to
clean the litter box. It’s a give and take. All relationships have their little
quirks that cause us to bicker and bitch. These aren’t the type of changes
I’m looking to discuss. I’m talking about the major stuff— core behaviors.
Some issues may be things, that in society, we may grimace on or com­
pletely avoid. Others may be completely aboveboard activities, but are still
disagreeable.
Let’s take sports, for instance, to start out. Most of America is into
some sort o f sports team. Whether it’s professional, collegiate, or a team
that they, themselves, play on, it permeates society. There’s nothing
inherently wrong with that. It’s totally legal, and it’s good, clean fun.
However, if someone is a fanatic, there could be a problem. One person’s
fanatic is another person’s enthusiastic supporter. The team/sport is
something that this person loves and has intertwined into their life. Is it
fair to ask them to be a lesser fan? To take away a part o f their life that
gives them great pleasure? I don’t think so. Is it fair to set up a mutual,
agreed upon expectation? I say it is.
You have to always, always remember what you fell in like with. What

6 pages left in chapter

8 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

you fell in love with tends to be more memorable, but what you fell in
like with is just as important. Likes are the general, silly things about an
individual that are the foundation for love. So, using that example of an
extreme sports fan, that loyalty and exuberance around fun is something
you totally fell in like with. If you remove that sports fan from the indi­
vidual, the loyalty and exuberance will diminish or disappear entirely
from the person you’re looking to change.
Ultimately, if you change a like, you may very well end up changing
your love. There’s no getting around it. One time when I was crabbing
about a relationship, a girlfriend told me, “You bought the puzzle with all
the pieces.” What she meant was this: You fell in love with the package.
It’s all wrapped up in that person. Take away one piece and the puzzle is
ruined. The like is a crucial piece of the love puzzle.
But silly us. We think that if we try to change someone we’re going to
make them better. Have you thought that to yourself? I’m going to be in­
sulting so get ready ... How dare you. How dare you think that it’s up to
you to force your will on another individual? Heck, that is why our forefa­
thers left England. It’s no different than what we did to the Native Amer­
ican people here when we decided to settle. No one has the right to decide
for another what is going to be for their own betterment. It’s up to every
individual to figure out, on their own time and in their own way, when
and how they want to be better. Making a suggestion is one thing, but
taking an active role to get them to change is pretty darn selfish when you
get right down to it.
I will add a very close and personal story of my own as it relates to my
marriage, the differences, and the expectations that my husband and I
have. My efforts (or struggles) are ongoing and daily as I try not to change
who my husband is, and the same can be said by him. I would describe
m yself as ambitious and have a healthy work effort in all things I do. My
husband, on the other hand, has a work effort I simply cannot relate to.
5 pages left in chapter

7 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

He is willing to sacrifice food, sleep, relationships, fun, and more all for
the sake of the work itself He and I went back and forth on this issue for
the first several years of our marriage. I admit I tried to change him, and
who he was, but this produced nothing but negative consequences. Only
after I gave up trying to change him did things improve between us. The
more I understood and accepted who he was (the guy I originally fell in
love with), our differences began to disappear. To this day, Bobby and I
have different expectations of one another, but thankfully we have grown
up and learned to communicate better. We now focus on mutual interests
instead of obsessing over the differences.
A leopard can change its spots, but a hippo isn’t ever going to be a gi­
raffe. Here is what I mean by that: We, without a doubt, can change who
we are. But we’re not going to become something completely different. I
don’t care who, what, or why you’re changing. Fundamentally, you’ll still
be who you are. The bottom line is that any change is going to be insti­
gated by that particular individual. And that’s the way it should be.
Of course, we will all run into the folks who will communicate that
they want to change and will change. And that’s a good thing, something
to be encouraged. However, unless you really want to set yourself up for
disappointment, don’t expect it to happen. At least don’t expect it to hap­
pen on your terms or in your time frame. People change when they want
to change. And, often, we know what we should and could change about
ourselves. But a nifty part o f being human, living in our own skin, is we
excuse and ignore our faults and issues. Heck, we’re the only ones that
have to live with ourselves 1 oo percent of the time. So, if someone makes
the promise of change, hoping for it is a wonderful thing, anticipating it
is another. Be pleasantly surprised when, and if, the change happens.
We all have to remember that the only change that we have control
over is how we react to others. It’s not about changing the external. It’s
making a change within us. Our reaction to others’ behavior, however,
4 pages left in chapter

6 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

can change another individual’s process. If we change how we react to an
environment or situation we frequently encounter, it may just be what
the doctor ordered.
If we change how we behave, that changes the entire issue, which, ulti­
mately, warrants an entirely new response. Here is something to consider
in romantic, professional, familial, and personal relationships as well.
The avalanche of change has to start with you ... the little snowball of
transformation!
Take me, for example. I used to give my husband a very hard time dur­
ing muskie-fishing season as Bobby would leave for hours, and some­
times days, on end. I’d remind him that muskie fishers are often di­
vorced or perpetually single. My pestering, which I now realize was a
weird way to indicate I missed him, turned his enjoyable hobby into a
very un-fun and stressful event. Once I gave up my reactive behavior
about his muskie fishing obsession, Bobby shortened his trips, took
breaks during the day to call, and even texted me photos o f a big fish he
had just caught and released so I could share the thrill. That was the best.
But the point is that things got better after my attitude toward the fishing
changed, not his obsession with muslcies that he came into the rela­
tionship with. I had eventually accepted that fact, and thank goodness I
did, because that damn fish almost cost me my marriage!
And speaking to being the catalyst for major transformation, your deci­
sion to remove yourself from the situation may be exactly what is needed.
Your departure may free up the individual to make different changes for
themselves. Now, don’t be lured back when and if those changes take
place because, by bringing yourself back into the equation, you are cre­
ating the same scenario, drawing the same energy, which existed in the
first place. So, be proud of the transition that occurred, both personally
and by the other individual involved, but don’t look back.
I once did a reading for a client who had serious jealousy issues and
3 pages left in chapter

4 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

an overall lack of trust in her partner. I pointed out that she was overre­
acting to the most minor and ordinary things that occur in a typical or
“normal” relationship. Tuning in to her partner, I did not see any reason
for mistrust; he appeared to me as an honest and committed man who
loved my client, and I was unable to detect any deception coming from
him. I also saw very clearly that my client’s behavior, stemming from her
lack of trust, was constantly putting her partner on the defensive and that
he was actually starting to think about leaving her. I first provided my
client the assurance that she had no reason to not trust her partner. I re­
minded her that she had come to me for a reason and that she would
now have to have faith in the reading— at the very least she needed to at­
tempt to utilize the behavior modification tools provided during her ses­
sion. We took the next several minutes and meditated together, all the
while holding hands. After a short period of time, I was able to show her
what I was tuning in to about her partner. My client was able to see there
was no reason to be concerned, and their relationship problems were
rooted in her behavior alone. During our meditation, I was able to tune
in to why my client was having such trust issues. I told her I was able to
see two prior relationships that had damaged her trust in men— one from
high school and one shortly after she had graduated from college. She
was overwhelmed with relief to hear that her high school sweetheart had,
in fact, not cheated on her like she had thought, but simply broke off the
relationship for personal reasons. I confirmed what she already knew as
fact about her post-college love affair—this man did cheat on her several
times with several other women. These were the first steps in my client
accepting that her behavior in her current relationship was the root cause
issue o f their problems, and she had no reason not to trust her partner.
My next step was to ask my client if she would like to continue the ses­
sion and try hypnotherapy, and she immediately agreed. As a boardcertified hypnotherapist, I am able to modify behavior to change
2 pages left in chapter

3 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

long-ingrained patterns such as phobias, weight issues, or substance
abuse. With my client in a hypnotic state, I spent the next half hour or so
reprogramming certain behaviors she displayed toward her current part­
ner. I provided her with tools she would be able to access the next time
she felt like lashing out or unnecessarily accusing her partner of m is­
deeds. We ended this session with some additional meditation and an
aura reading. My client left feeling at peace with herself and with a cer­
tain confidence she had not felt in many years. She followed up with me
a couple days later and told me that using those techniques and tools
worked and helped her avoid confrontations with her partner. I did not
hear from her again, but I did get an email from her partner about one
month later. It was one of the most heartwarming validations I have ever
received. To make a long story short, he thanked me for working with his
girlfriend, stated that she was a changed person, so much so he asked her
to marry him just the night before, and that she had said “YES.” It’s now
been six years, and I still remain in contact with this couple. They remain
happily married and have a four-year-old daughter and a two-year-old
son.
One more thing to keep in mind: Change and compromise are com­
pletely different things. Change occurs 1 oo percent as a different action
within oneself. Compromise is creating a different way to get to the same
end. The compromise is about finding a different avenue to reach and to
be agreed upon by multiple parties. There is a big difference between the
two. It takes flexibility on at least two parties for compromise. Change is
only about one person, and it comes from within.
[contents]

1 page left in chapter

2 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

TEN

If You’re Not Feeling
It in the First Five Dates
I cannot count how many times I’ve heard men and women in long-term
relationships tell me that they knew it wouldn’t work out from the start.
And some of them, God bless their souls, are married or still currently in
the relationship. They got into relationships that they now believe they
can’t get out of. But, it started off innocently enough. They thought they’d
grow into the relationship. Or their partner would grow on them. Go fig­
ure. It just doesn’t work that way. No matter how spectacular any indi­
vidual is.
Unfortunately, some folks get to the point of desperation. And des­
perate isn’t pretty on anyone. Desperation makes us do some pretty
whacked-out things. Like get into something long term that isn’t right on
any level. In desperate times, we give up on those absolute needs and
deal breakers to simply have a little bit o f companionship. Then that com­
panionship turns into loyalty, (which is admirable, but completely unnec­
essary) wherein one does not feel that they can leave. Eventually it comes
around full circle, leaving you desperately seeking a way out.
If you’re desperate, take a moment to look within and really find what
is lacking in your life. Is it companionship, or is it fun? Or maybe it’s
humor? Or spontaneity? All these things can translate into desperation;
however, a partner isn’t necessarily a solution. You can take care of all
these things on your own! Date yourself—spontaneously and without
planning go to a funny movie and indulge in a private dinner before or
after! You don’t have to watch what you’re eating as you can already love
yourself! You have no one to impress!! Make yourself better by fulfilling
your needs yourself, which will make you a better partner and more

5 pages left in chapter

6 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

desirable!
I want to touch on the loyalty thing a bit more. Loyalty is an admirable
trait. But it speaks far more about the person being loyal than the one the
loyalty is toward. I've known so many people whose loyalty has become a
deficit to their lives and, honestly, their character. No one will respect
undue loyalty. Loyalty needs to be earned (beyond just being present) and
returned. That applies to all relationships, not just romantic ones.
There's a reason why I feel that you should call it quits (if you haven't
already) after five dates. I'm going to break it down for you.
The first date, if all goes well, is just what I like to call hearts and flow­
ers. It doesn’t have anything to do with the real you. I am not saying any­
one is being fake, but we all want to make a great first impression. We
are going to be watch our manners, language, and topic o f conversation
(often remaining quite superficial). It's been my observation that the only
serious, real information that we get, from one another, at the first date is
name and what we do (career, business, school, etc.). Outside of that, it’s
giggles and superfluous chatter. This is okay! And fun! Not to mention
completely normal and exactly what should be brought to a first date.
Hopefully the first date went well, so it’s on to the second date. This is
where you actually get to see a little bit more into each other. But don't go
too far. It's only the second date. Find out more about what each other
does. Do they love their job? Hate it? Is their family close by? This is the
time to find out some hobbies. It’s all about the day-to-day of the person.
Not the deep, dark skeletons. Those will come later. Still, this is time to
keep things fluffy. You don't need to know their politics, blood type, or
views on religion. And if last date was just a little coffee chitchat, let this
one be longer and more personal. Lunch at minimum; dinner is even
better.
Now the lovely third date is one o f my favorites. You've found a little
bit of comfort and gotten past the idiotic get-to-know-ya chatter. You're
4 pages left in chapter

5

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

certainly invested in finding out more. And more means more, five no­
ticed personally and in speaking with people that the third date is what I
refer to as the lust date. I know. It’s kind of crass. But I call ’em like I see
’em. Although (and I know, this is completely gender biased) guys typi­
cally are good to go (read: sex) on any date, gals seem to have deemed the
magical third date as the right time. O f course, everyone has their own
rules, but it seems like the third date is the charm. Now, I don’t endorse,
suggest, push, or condone doing anything you aren’t perfectly comfort­
able with at any time. This has just been my observation.
Here again, if you decide that third date is going to be the sex date, it’s
a major moment in the relationship going forward. And it’s not about
performance. It’s about connection. This, physically, may not be as good
as it’s going to get, but you’re on the verge. If you aren’t making the
physical connection (which has nothing to do with the ending, so to
speak), think about where this relationship is going. As difficult and
harsh as it may be, if the vibe isn’t there, it’s best to let things go and
move on.
On the fourth date, you need to go there. What I mean by that is that if
there are some skeletons in the closet lurking, you need to open up that
door and shed some light on ’em. If you let things go farther than the
fourth date (which, in reality could be still in the first week of meeting or
could be a month out), you’re going to insult the individual you’re court­
ing. At this point, you should start to evaluate how you feel about this
new partner. If you think it could become serious then you need to be up­
front and to the point. Before any deep, true feelings get involved, share
those shadowy secrets that could, otherwise, negatively affect the rela­
tionship down the road. If they can’t handle it in the honeymoon phase
of dating, it’s not going to get any better further down the line.
Fifth date: Make or break time. At this point you have seen, in part, the
flirty self, the fun self, the sexy self, and the flawed self. By no means do
3 pages left in chapter

3 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

you have 1 oo percent of any individual, but by the fifth date, you can
make the call to stay or to go. You need to face a commitment or move on.
Now, we all know that committed relationships can come and go. Com­
mitment doesn’t necessarily mean permanent, but the choice needs to be
made. And yes, commitment does equal monogamy. You both have in­
vested time, energy, effort, and emotion into each other. If you’re not
feeling it, let it go. Give someone else the chance. And I know I’m prob­
ably going to catch some letters/emails for this, but my policy: Even if it’s
a maybe after the fifth date, let it go. You may just need perspective as to
what you actually want.
Don’t agonize or elongate something that, really, doesn’t have poten­
tial. And certainly don’t just let it linger on until/if something better
comes along. That’s just selfish. Let the other party go on their merry
way. Be honest. Let them know that you are not feeling the connection
that you had hoped for and that it is not a perfect fit for you. Own it. Be
strong. Although the truth may hurt for a moment, in the long run, try­
ing to make something work that ultimately is not, is going to be a lot
more painful.
One last thought: If you find something within them that is a major,
general, deal breaker (hygiene, racism, etc.), you may want to mention
that to them upon letting go. Believe it or not, we sometimes don’t see
our own flaws. (Sarcasm.) We excuse ourselves and believe that if another
is really worthy of our affection and love, they’ll look past the issue.
Remember that being critical of others means that we need to be selfaware and look at our own personal issues from an honest and truthful
perspective. As an example, being needy is a very common flaw. Needy
can be perceived in many forms such as too much texting, too much call­
ing, too many emails, too many demands o f time, or constantly asking for
attention or validation. I have had numerous clients who possessed this
common flaw. I have always recommended that they try to allow their
2 pages left in chapter

2 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

param our to pursue them. Be m ore aloof and to try and m ake themselves
less available.
Bringing a flaw to their attention m ay be a very useful bit o f infor­
mation for future romantic endeavors. But be kind, respectful, and as
gentle as possible. This isn’t a time to retaliate.
[contents]

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

Part Two

You’ve Made It Past
Five Dates, Now What?

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

ELEVEN

Commitment-Phobia
Is your significant other afraid to commit? Is he or she commitmentphobic? Have you been together two or three years or longer and your
partner still won’t fully commit? Then yes, your loved one might have
commitment-phobia. But we are asked to understand and be forgiving of
this particular issue because they need to work through some things,
right? Nope. If they are truly, honestly diagnosed as commitment-phobic,
they should be in therapy working on the issue, not lingering in a rela­
tionship. However, I have observed that many times when someone tells
a romantic partner that they are having issues with commitment, they
simply mean they don’t want to commit to you. Move on. Don’t delay
your happiness with another by holding on to the idea of a life with
someone who isn’t in a place to fully engage in a relationship with the
greatness that you have to offer.
You can easily tell if your significant other is commitment-phobic if he
or she is unwilling to take the relationship to the next level or refuses to
introduce you to family or friends. Or it can be as simple as when they
self-identify as a commitment-phobe. When someone tells you they have
never had a long-term relationship or are afraid of commitment, they are
telling you they are commitment-phobic.
People become commitment-phobic for many reasons, but a couple of
easy examples are that the person has been cheated on in the past or,
sadly, some people are afraid to even have a successful relationship be­
cause they have never seen one in their own life.
Briefly I would like to point out a small misconception when it comes
to so-called committed relationships. Many people equate marriage to
commitment.

2 pages left in chapter

Although

marriage

may be the ultimate

sign

of

2 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

commitment, there are individuals who are perfectly happy with some­
thing less formal, and there is nothing wrong with that.
Obviously, there are various reasons to see a psychic with relationship
questions. Just don’t rule out your own, rational, logical self. A good psy­
chic (it’s too bad that there are some charlatans out there) will always tell
you the straight dope— good, bad, or indifferent— regardless of what you
may, or may not, want to hear.
Many times, I tune in to a relationship where my client needs to make
an adjustment on their part. For example, changing their judgment or
their perspective on how a past event occurred. Many times a man will do
something to try to be protective that the gal interprets as controlling.
When she can see the other side, it goes from irritating to endearing.
[contents]

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

TWELVE

Make Each Other Better
It seems like a pretty simple concept, right? When in a romantic rela­
tionship, it’s best to make each other better. But this far outweighs hon­
esty, respect, and loyalty. Those things are just good, solid foundations
for any relationship, romantic or otherwise. Making each other better is
about raising each other up in a deep, soulful, spiritual way. It’s about
bolstering one another to create not only the best relationship but the best
individual each partner can be.
There are two schools of thought in relationship world. The first: you
be the best you can be, putting yourself first, and by doing this, the entire
relationship gets better. The second: the relationship needs to take prece­
dence over everything else. If the relationship is in the best place, that
creates happiness and harmony all around.
Let’s discuss the first idea. If you put yourself first and make your
happiness a priority, you’re going to be in a better place for a rela­
tionship. Ultimately, your partner wants you to be engaged, attentive, and
in love, so, if your mind is elsewhere (feeling unhappy or unfulfilled
about something else lacking in your life), you can’t be fully present in
the relationship. O f course, the argument is where does putting you first
end and selfish behavior begin. That’s up to each individual.
A perfect example of this scenario is the workaholic. In this day and
age, many of us define ourselves by our careers. We work twelve-hour
days. We work from home. Weekends certainly aren’t off-limits. We revel
in the success coming from our ambition and determination. And *gasp*
we actually find a great deal of happiness in our chosen occupation. Not
to mention it often brings financial security, which makes us feel more
comfortable in off-hours. Now, does the happiness we find in our career

6 pages left in chapter

7 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

transcend to our romantic endeavors? Quite possibly. But is your partner
willing to tolerate extended work hours? Maybe not, but the choice is
yours.
Conversely, you may think it's best to put the needs of the relationship
above your own. The idea is that the good for the many (both of you in
the relationship) outweighs the few (just you). If you don’t put the other
person’s expectations and needs before your own, it may be deemed self­
ish or self-involved. Unfortunately, sometimes, by doing this, you are
putting your own needs and wants aside. By doing that, you could (but
not necessarily) start to harbor resentment directed at your partner for not
meeting your own relationship requirements.
It’s incredibly important to speak your mind and get your voice heard
in any relationship, romantic or otherwise! Not to mention to take time
with your friends to give yourself some perspective and balance in your
romantic relationship. When you do this, it only strengthens your rela­
tionship because you’re gathering outside influences that will feed the
romantic interests— not to mention gives you something to talk about
over dinner! Outside influences are crucial! They give us perspective to
develop our own thoughts and interests, which brings dimension to a
relationship. Taking alone time can give you perspective to review your
partner’s behavior as well as your own, where you can then begin to gain
clarity on situations within the partnership.
I do not believe there is a right or wrong path. What I do believe is
this: I think every scenario and person needs to be looked at individually.
What may work at one time may not the next due to emotion, time
frames, determination, or whatever. So, with each situation that arises,
look at it clearly, encourage input from your partner, and move in the
direction that best suits you. Sometimes it may be that you need to follow
your heart, regardless of concern communicated by your partner. Other
times you just need to concede to their wants, knowing that at some point
5 pages left in chapter

6 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

in the future all things will balance.
Let’s speak to that balance. I don’t believe in relationships being fiftyfifty 1 oo percent of the time. Just as life isn’t always fair, relationships are
not always in perfect harmony. Sometimes we need to carry one another.
Whether that burden is financial, emotional, or practical, there is an ebb
and flow to every relationship. If someone falls ill, we are going to want to
take care of them and carry their burden (chores around the house, obli­
gations, etc.). It’s our nature. If someone loses a job and is temporarily
stalled financially, we certainly don’t immediately break up upon hearing
the news. During these hard times, we want to carry the other to show
our love and support. But it can’t be that way full time.
For example, on January 18, 2013, I suffered a massive stroke and was
hospitalized for four months. My husband Bobby was thrown into a situ­
ation where he had to be my advocate, my caretaker, my business man­
ager, and my portal to the world. Not only did Bobby have to deal with
doctors, nurses, and mountains of medical insurance, he had to cancel
my scheduled appearances, answer emails, pay my bills, and cover my
share o f housekeeping duties. He fed me, clothed me, bathed me, and
most importantly, sat at my bedside for weeks at a time just loving and
comforting me; he was protector, my everything— and still is to this day.
The perfect balance, I believe, is semiconsistent imbalance. That
sounds weird, doesn’t it? But hear me out. I don’t believe that every situ­
ation can be perfectly balanced. And we’re constantly going through
situations. One person has to lead, and one has to follow. Then, life
changes and that leadership shifts. It’s about the back and forth. And it’s
this leadership back and forth that shows the depth o f each other’s char­
acter, creating further respect and, ultimately, love.
Back in 1996 while I was in Wisconsin doing a radio appearance,
Bobby and I were talking on the phone, and he was telling me he was not
feeling well and experiencing an inordinate amount o f anxiety and stress.
4 pages left in chapter

4 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

He sounded so distressed that I chose to cut my trip short and rushed
home that afternoon. I found him lying on the deck outside our townhouse, unable to function. Things became so bad that he was not able to
return to work for six weeks. During that time, I had to call his employer
daily, bring him to countless doctor appointments, get prescriptions
filled, adjust his diet, administer medications, and much more. During
all o f this, he was barely able to get out of bed.
Something to remind yourself of here: Making each other better does
not mean having the perfect relationship. In fact, it doesn’t mean it’s
even good all the time. Let’s face it. It’s the tough moments that make us
stronger and better as individuals. If we had it easy all the time, we’d just
coast through life. But, fortunately (and even I can’t believe I’m saying
this), life brings us adversity to challenge us to rise to the occasion.
I’m going to get a little personal. My husband and I are opposites in a
lot o f ways— far too many to list, so you’ll just have to take my word for it.
Although we love each other dearly and are both committed to our mar­
riage above all else, like any normal couple, we fight. And neither one of
us were graced with those good arguing skills that every celebrity psychol­
ogist likes to tout. We’re pretty typical. We’ll name-call. We will certainly
curse. But, in the thick of it, I noticed one thing: When I fight with my
husband, I am more articulate, factual, and, in my opinion, witty than I
am in a normal day. I share this because even in the worst of circum­
stances, he makes me a better person all-around—he makes me up my
game. If I want to get my point across in conflict, I better articulate it
pretty darn well. And that’s my point. Making each other better doesn’t
always come in the best of moments.
On that note of having some challenging moments with our partners, I
would say challenging one another is totally healthy and normal. It’s okay
not to buy into whatever your boy/girlfriend or spouse is passing along.
In fact, you may find out more and further educate yourself if you choose
3 pages left in chapter

3 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

to push back a little bit. No one likes a brown-noser, not for long, anyhow.
We all like to have our intellect acknowledged, but it gets boring if you’re
with someone who is a doormat with no brain o f their own. Be decisive.
Speak your mind. Challenge a thought if you strongly disagree. Remem­
ber, we fall in love with the mind as much (if not more) as the heart.
In fact, challenges are exactly why opposites do attract. This is why a
rugged, outdoorsy, lumberjack guy can find, and gain, interest from a
glamorama, dolled up, girlie girl. But heed this warning: Although oppo­
sites attract, that attraction won’t last long if you’re not willing to take a
chance and try something new! It’s all about the balance. Sure, go out and
find that polar opposite, but be willing and able to go out on a limb once
in a while! Otherwise, that whole opposite thing isn’t going to be engag­
ing too terribly long.
Trying new things is just another way o f lifting each other up. So what
if your paramour is in love with horseback riding and you’ve never tried
it. Do you know how awesome you’re going to look just by giving it a
whirl? (Not to mention it’s a great reason for a new outfit.) And who
knows? You may be the next world record equestrian. You just didn’t
know it. Countless couples I’ve talked with said they would have never
tried something if their partner hadn’t prompted them. And now, they
find it’s their favorite event/hobby. So put your great creative sense out
there and share your passion with your new romance, but be willing to
give their adventure a go as well!
On the flip side, there are people who bring out the worst in one an­
other. Two people who have addictive tendencies or combative person­
alities may not be a great pairing. One couple I knew, a bartender and a
heavy drinker, combined to make a cocktail of frequent and heated argu­
ments. In the end, the breakup was nasty, to say the least. Ironically,
when she finally left the relationship, she took numerous bottles o f valu­
able wine from his collection, which still bothers him to this day.
2 pages left in chapter

2 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

[contents]

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

THIRTEEN

Romance, People!
Let’s face it. Some of us are lacking in the romance department. For
some, it’s like a deficient gene in our DNA. It just isn’t there. But here’s
the cool thing: It can be faked. Even if you don’t have one romantic bone
in your body, you can still be perceived as being romantic—maybe even a
bit mushy. Although I hear about a lack more from the ladies, that
doesn’t mean that there aren’t guys out there pining for their gals to step
up the romance too. So let’s talk about it. All hail the romance!
First, let us talk about what romance is and isn’t. Romance isn’t sex. In
fact, it has nothing to do with sex. Of course, that could (and would for
most) be the ultimate goal, but it really has nothing to do with sexual
intercourse. Romance is the lovers’ dance. It’s the wooing of one another.
It’s showing your intentions, thoughts, and emotions in creative ways be­
yond the everyday spoken word (although writing a poem is extremely
romantic, it’s not something you’d do day-to-day). Although romance
definitely involves doing special deeds, it’s not about doing the deed.
It’s about the ritual of love. Believe it or not, the idea of romance is
relatively new. Not so long ago, most marriages were arranged. So wooing
is kind of new. For many, the art of romance (and believe me, it’s an art)
is about courtship. A lot of folks would say it’s the same thing, and to a
degree it is. However, I believe you can court someone without being
romantic. Romance is about the small things that you do for each other to
remind your love of their place in your heart by giving them a token of
your affection. Whether it’s the grand gesture of flying your paramour off
to Paris or simply picking a daisy while out on a walk (that last one always
works for me), it’s in that moment that you assure your partner that they
are not only in your mind, but in your heart.

5 pages left in chapter

6 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

And to reinforce the idea that romance is in the heart, let me say this—
romance isn’t found in the wallet. Romantic moments have nothing to do
with money. Not to say that you can’t spend a few bucks working the love
mojo, but it’s not a requirement. In fact, when I mentioned I was work­
ing on this section of the book, I heard more stories about wellintentioned people going overboard on outlandish gifts when a hand­
made card would have worked. Being showy isn’t what romance is about.
Save that for birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries. Romance is about
those moments in-between where small, thoughtful gestures make the
most impact. Allow me to share a story. Shortly after my husband and I
got married, I found out that he loved, o f all things, alphabet soup. So, I
went and bought a couple cans on my next trip to the grocery store. At the
time, I was in the corporate world and didn’t come home for lunches, but
he did. When I got home for the evening, I found, spelled out on my cut­
ting board in alphabet soup letters, I LOVE YOU TIFFANY. Now tell me
that is not romantic. Funny thing is, he had to open both cans to find all
the letters. Needless to say, I had some leftover soup for dinner that
evening. Bonus!
I think that unrealistic expectations keep a lot o f people from even try­
ing to dabble in romance. Think about the romcom (romantic comedy).
Do those movies ruin it for us? God bless Hollywood. They have created
an entire genre of movie entertainment specifically focused on the
romantic notions and foibles of new, existing, and marital relationships.
Here’s the thing, folks, Hollywood is about exaggerating and dramatizing
normal situations. It’s entertainment. When you magnify typical situa­
tions, you inherently create humor and/or emotion. And it’s not realistic
to demand that kind o f moment. Heck, just getting your hair right on a
date can be a feat unto itself. But, it’s not out of bounds to want or expect
romance throughout your relationship.
Far too often I hear from individuals that although there was romance
4 pages left in chapter

5 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

at first, it waned just a few short weeks into the endeavor. Remember, ro­
mance is about the conscious emotion made external. Just like appre­
ciation (which romance most certainly includes), we can never be overap­
preciated. We can hear time and time again how much someone cares for
us, and that, my friends, is what romance is about. Doing random things
to show that love and caring. Why would anyone think that after a couple
weeks, months, or years in a relationship that would get old? It never
does.
Ladies, this applies to you too. I will admit the majority o f people that I
hear mentioning (read: complaining about) the lack o f romance are
women. There’s no question. However, it doesn’t mean that the dudes
are not looking to pump up the romance in their lives. They are! I hear
more every day from men who are reaching out, trying to be romantic
and thoughtful with playful or protective gestures, but their gals are shut­
ting them and the opportunity down. What a loss. And remember that ro­
mance is a two-way street. Although guys may not be as responsive to
things like flowers (note: I know a ton o f guys who really like ’em), teddy
bears, and chocolate, they do love a massage, their favorite beer icy cold
in the fridge, and taking time for you to engage in their favorite hobby. It
works both ways.
One sure-fire romantic element (outside o f a specific example): Sur­
prise. A surprise is integral to romance. It’s out o f the blue. It’s not an
agreed upon destination/experience/thing. It’s something that is created
or planned by one individual to show the other the place in the heart that
they hold. Without the element o f surprise, you’re going to deflate the ro­
mance.
None o f us are getting any younger (and if you are, email me im m edi­
ately). In that vein, the idea o f what romance is will change over time.
Heck, when I was twenty-one, I thought the boys buying my shots at the
bar were pretty romantic. Not to say that buying someone drinks isn’t a
3 pages left in chapter

3 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

thoughtful gesture, but is that still in my romance definition? No. five
grown up a bit. At this point in my life, dual, personal experiences are
much more romantic to me than anything else. Say, for example, a wine
tasting. But for you and your situation, your love may just be looking for
a handwritten note telling them of your feelings. Or maybe it's holding
their hand on a walk when you typically aren't an outwardly affectionate
person. But, whatever it is, don’t expect the same things to work for the
next several years. Change it up. Our tastes and feelings toward most
everything change as we do. Romance is no different.
And then there are kids. I cannot tell you how much your idea of ro­
mance will change after children come in the picture. Although I don’t,
personally, have children, I certainly hear about the change of life after
the blessed birth. There is no question that kids enhance the lives of their
parents. However, the time and effort it takes to raise a child encroaches
on any time you may have for those special romantic moments. So, with
children, our perception and ideas of romance change as well. Instead of
a candlelit dinner, it may just be having an hour to yourself to read a
book or take a bubble bath. The bottom line is that although children
enter the relationship, there is no need to eliminate or put less impor­
tance on romance.
Let’s talk a little bit about what romance isn’t. Now, of course, what ro­
mance is and is not is entirely personal and varies from one individual to
another. However, I’m fortunate enough to talk to a lot of folks about
pretty personal stuff and I can tell you this: Practical items are not roman­
tic. We all get it. We need things like dishwashers and tires. But let’s not
turn them into the surprise gift. Although we can appreciate things like
central air conditioning and coffee makers, these things don’t say what is
in the heart— they say clean my house and get me to the mall. Tread
lightly with these things when presenting them as romantic gifts.
I will leave you with some very simple things/ideas that you can do to
2 pages left in chapter

2 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

show your love to that someone special in your life.
•

Love notes and cards

•

Drawing a bath

•

Reminding them of a special date or action they did that you
remember fondly

•

Sometimes lighting a candle is all it takes

•

Buy them their favorite foods

•

Take them on a surprise date

•

Offer them a massage

•

Do a chore that they do not want to do

Have you held hands lately while walking? Just hold your partner’s
hand, even if it’s just sitting on the couch while watching TV.
[contents]

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

FOURTEEN

Moving In Together
Alright, you made the commitment. You’re totally in. You actually like
this person enough to share space. But do you do it? Do you take the
plunge? Cohabitation is a big thing. You aren’t just taking the rela­
tionship to the next level, you’re intertwining lives. Not to mention fi­
nances, schedules, and other miscellaneous stuff. But is it really a good
idea?
Let’s just hit the big dog right up front. The idea o f living together be­
fore marriage makes some people a little edgy. The reason? Religion.
Dogmatic Christian religious doctrine tells us this isn’t a good idea for
the individual to live in sin (hence the term). But let’s face it, we can ex­
cuse a lot of things that seemingly go against the Bible. Swearing and lust
are examples. None o f it is encouraged by Christianity as a whole. Can we
rest assured that 90 percent of America takes part in those activities? Yes,
I think we can. But, in a different day and time, things were perceived
differently. And we might have family members of a different generation.
You have to make it right, within you, if you want to walk down the living-to-geth- road. You may have to answer some pretty tough questions
not only about the significant other, but your morality. Be prepared.
And speaking of those little things we call morals and ethics, ask your­
self this question: Is moving in together outside of marriage funda­
mentally part of who you are? Consider where you stand personally,
morally, and ethically on the subject. It defines you, not only to friends
and family, but also to a potential partner. All religion aside, people have
severe and specific opinions on the topic. And you may very well feel that
you have to defend your position. For many individuals, it’s a hot topic
and quite controversial. As much as we all have opinions on everything

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

from diet to politics, this is one of those touchy topics that could define
you regardless of what stance you take. So take it seriously and make sure
your position jibes with who you are and what you are all about.
Statistics indicate that 70 percent of couples cohabitate before mar­
riage. So the idea isn’t really unique or out o f the mainstream, and by no
means is it taboo. However, another little factoid to mull over is that, by
the same study, of those who live together, 85 percent of the couples
break up. So, facts tell us that a higher percentage of relationships don’t
make it if they live together prior to marriage. Does that make you stop
and think? That is your call. Most people, when you talk to those who are
pro-moving-in, say that they move in specifically to avoid the down-theroad breakup and all the associated heartache. Others, the more conser­
vative folks, don’t endorse the idea of living together prior to marriage be­
cause all the magic and newness of discovering one another after mar­
riage is then gone. You have been playing house for a time without the
higher level of commitment. Both sides have good arguments.
If you’re serious about moving in, why not marry? If you really believe
that your relationship has staying power, isn’t moving in together just the
weigh station to marriage? For some (and I would venture to say most),
yes; for others, no. They take it a bit more nonchalantly. In this day and
age, we are waiting longer to marry and take that final step. And there are
lots o f reasons, the biggest of which, again, is monetary. Since we’re wait­
ing longer to get married, some individuals are creating financial issues
that aren’t the best to marry into. The economic turmoil has affected
everyone, including eligible singles. So, moving in may be the solution to
those wanting to marry, but feeling it’s not the best call to protect oneself.
For those who take more o f a cavalier attitude about moving in, the idea
may center on money as well. It’s easy to understand; it’s simply cheaper
to live with someone than to live alone. You can save more sharing ex­
penses, housing costs, and so forth.
5 pages left in chapter

7 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

If you choose to move in and take the romance to the next level, you
may want to check out whether or not your community recognizes com­
mon-law marriages. Common-law marriages exist all over the world, not
just in the United States. These laws do have several, typically simple, re­
quirements. You typically have to be over the age of majority (usually
eighteen years old, but it varies from state to state); live together for a cer­
tain amount o f time, and project yourself as a married couple. If you are
in a state/community that recognizes a common-law marriage, you have
all the benefits as well as all the intricacies of a traditional marriage. One
huge example: in states with common-law marriage, the Internal Rev­
enue Service allows you to file taxes as married, filing separately. How­
ever, one more thing to ponder—there is no such thing as a common-law
divorce, still making the breakup, if it comes to that, quite difficult.
With the combining o f living space often comes the purchase of m u­
tual goods. Furniture, food, toiletries, extending all the way to pets may
be joint purchases. Much like moving in together, this is just another
step to deepen the connection to one another. I know I’m going to sound
like a downer, but another piece to consider is: If this relationship doesn’t
work out, how do you split up those items? Things can be split up, but
when a relationship goes south, often, so does the civility. You can’t cut a
couch in half. And goodness knows you can’t split up a pet. How will you
divide the assets in the case o f dissolution? My suggestion is to talk about
the what-ifs up front so all things are understood and predetermined far
ahead of anything detrimental happening.
When is the right time to move in together? Again, that can only be
determined by you and your partner. For some, it’s a matter of months,
for others, it’s years. Unfortunately, one person may be ready a lot sooner
than the other.
Here are a couple examples of couples who have moved in together
and the relationships have either flourished or floundered.
4 pages left in chapter

5 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

I knew a guy and gal just out of high school who were both nineteen
years old. Neither had lived away from their parents, and they were not
planning on heading off to college. They were in love and decided to get
jobs, find an apartment, and grow old together. So they saved up a few
bucks and got a place. Within days they realized they had made a m is­
take. They may have dated for a long time, but they never really saw how
each other lived inside their parents’ home. They agreed on almost noth­
ing, like how the furniture should be arranged, how much time their
friends would spend hanging out in the apartment (and getting in the
way), and even little things about whether leaving the television on at
night was acceptable or not. Needless to say, after just two months, they
broke up. The girl moved back home with her parents, and the boy had to
find a new roommate to complete the lease agreement. The couple never
spoke to each other again. Both now realize they really never had much in
common with one another to begin with, and this was because they sim­
ply didn’t know.
A much more positive story is actually about two different couples who
made very successful transitions moving in with one another. Why were
they both so successful? I’ll tell you. See the two girls lived together in
their own apartment, attending community college and getting by in life
just fine. Their two boyfriends lived in town, one had his own place and
the other was still at home with mom and dad. Obviously, the boys would
spend a lot of time at the girls’ apartment. One of the boys was kind of a
neat freak, but he never complained about the dirty and unorganized
bathroom. He simply cleaned it. No complaints, no bitching— he just got
it done. He was also never shy about breaking out the vacuum and also
making sure the sink was free of dirty dishes. The other boy liked to cook,
and he always seemed to be bringing over the groceries and cooking for
everyone. These four people spent about a year together in that apartment
getting to know one another, even sitting down at the table and enjoying
3 pages left in chapter

4 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

supper together, just like they did growing up at home. They would talk
about all sorts of stuff and got to know most everything about each other.
They worked through their differences over a period o f time. Sure, there
were a few disagreements, but most of those were what they were going
to watch on TV or what club they were going to party at on the weekend,
so nothing too major. Well, after about a year, it was time to move and go
their separate ways. Each couple went off and got their own apartment.
None o f these four people had ever lived with just their girlfriend or
boyfriend but the outcome was very successful. Both couples got married
within a year and to this day, twenty years later, both couples are happily
married, with homes and families. This would have not been the likely
outcome had they not spent all that time getting to know each other so
well, learning about the little things that can nag at you and drive a wedge
into a relationship. A very small thorn can grow into a very infected
wound, but these folks had removed those tiny thorns from their rela­
tionships. They had already seen the good, the bad, and the ugly before
they set off on their own to make lives together.
The question will always remain whether a couple should live together
before marriage. Sometimes families get in the way by suggesting that
living in sin is not something they can support, but I say go for it. I be­
lieve most couples should absolutely live together before getting married.
I’ve seen too many marriages fall apart and most of them were not built
on a healthy foundation. They have the same problems as the nineteenyear-olds in my first story; they didn’t know enough about each other,
and then all o f a sudden they get married and move in together. It’s not
always a recipe for disaster, oftentimes it works, but when it goes bad, it
goes very bad, and what comes next is heartbreaking. There is divorce,
the separation of assets, and o f course the big one, if they do have kids, is
child support and visitation. For the next two decades, these two people
must continue to interact with one another for the good of the children,
2 pages left in chapter

3 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

but in truth they really don’t like each other anymore. Those are long and
painful years for those folks, and it all could have been avoided had they
lived together first before getting married. Some people may read this
and state that I am suggesting couples should live in sin before marriage.
I don’t really look at it that way, but yes I would recommend it.
Regardless, don’t let anyone guide you. You have to do what feels right
for you and your relationship. Always a psychic, whether it’s a client or a
friend, I consistently recommend following your gut. Whatever your intu­
ition tells you is most likely exactly what needs to happen. And surpris­
ingly, your intuition will guide you regardless of what your heart says. I
can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, “My heart tells me one thing
but my gut tells me another.” Go with the gut 1 oo percent of the time. It
won’t ever lead you astray.
Finally, don’t move in unless you can really, truly see yourself mar­
rying this individual. If you have decided that, on all levels, moving in is
where you want to be, know that marriage needs to be (fingers crossed)
the ultimate goal and result to the cohabitation. Although the monetary
benefits are tempting otherwise, it’s not fair to the other person if you’re
not willing to seriously go there in your head and in your heart, about
marriage. If you don’t see this person as a potential lifelong partner, don’t
sign the lease.
[contents]

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

F IF T E E N

Privacy
Boy oh boy. Privacy can be a major point of contention in any rela­
tionship. Frequently we hear about our right to privacy in the workplace.
But these days we’re also talking about privacy in personal relationships.
The big question that I hear from clients is: What is the difference be­
tween secret and private? It’s a pretty smart question. Although I don’t
believe there is an absolute answer for anyone, I’ll share what I’ve
learned, seen, and heard. Hopefully, at a minimum, that’ll give you a
baseline. As the definition of love is different for every person, so is the
idea of privacy.
The first issue that we should tackle is if anything is really private in
relationships. Is privacy required? Is privacy a right despite your part­
nership and commitment? Obviously the idea of privacy, much like re­
spect, should be a situation that is earned. If someone steps out of
bounds (read: has an affair), you have a right to be cautious and ques­
tioning. But let’s leave that out of the discussion, at least for now. What I
have found to be a good rule of thumb is this: If you feel that you have to
hide something from your partner, chances are it’s not a privacy issue,
but more o f a moral/ethical relationship issue. If there is embarrassment
or shame, know that you’ve probably done something wrong to warrant
that feeling and don’t do it again. However, if you are only doing some­
thing to retain your identity as an individual, that, dear reader, is another
issue. Let’s say there is agreement that you each keep your financial stuff
separate. Are you required, if asked, to reveal what you’ve agreed to keep
individualized? No. You’re not. It’s private. You set that precedent. How­
ever, taking out a credit card in your spouse’s name, charging it up, and
then having your spouse discover it? Well that’s just secretive, and,

4 pages left in chapter

5 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

frankly, underhanded. Hopefully you can see the difference. Private is
fine. Secretive is inherently bad.
Another factor in the privacy game is this: relationship length. Let’s
keep using financial scenarios as our example. I don’t think that it would
be uncommon after several dates to reveal your income level. That’s a pri­
vate thing, but you’re probably not being subpoenaed for the infor­
mation. However, sharing intimate details o f your financial standing
after knowing someone a couple o f days would never be expected. Now
let’s say you are seeing each other for several months. Things are moving
along and the relationship is deepening. You two talk about moving in to­
gether. Is there a right to know more about your partner’s financial situ­
ation? Sure! By cohabitating through buying a house or renting an apart­
ment together, they are essentially joining your credit rating. The choices
that one makes affect the other. It’s as simple as that. In that scenario, if
you move in together and, maybe, um forget (hope you’re picking up on
the sarcasm) to mention your looming $50,000 student loan debt, well
that’s just being secretive and misleading. You have committed to this
person. You need to expect to be upfront and straightforward with what is
real and honest. Here again (and yes, I’ll keep saying this), if there is
something shameful about what you have done, you are being secretive
and not private.
I think it is entirely human, with or without cause, to want to snoop,
poke, and prod around in your lover’s business. Heck, we love and care
about them—we want to know more. That’s fair. But ask. Don’t dig.
There’s no need. If you have a healthy, open relationship, push back
those basic desires (we do it all the time by passing on the second piece of
pie) and take the high ground. There, truly, is nothing to be gained by
going where you shouldn’t. Because, what if you, Lord forbid, find some­
thing? How do you bring that up? How do you justify your actions? You
sunk, exactly, to the level o f the person hiding the information. If you
3 pages left in chapter

4 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

have questions about your partner, the first, second, and third rule is to
communicate. If you really question your partner, or seriously doubt that
communicating will do any good, then maybe you should, instead of
looking to find evidence to prove your point, simply leave the rela­
tionship. There is something much deeper going on than just your cu­
riosity. Admit to yourself that you are the one with the trust issues and
should find a different situation that better suits your relationship needs.
More specifically, let's discuss phone records. Oh, our lovely smart­
phones now offer so much more than just a simple phone. They are our
phone, email, camera, and god forbid, our video recorder (not to mention
texting and instant messaging). They can record where we have been
(GPS) and who we are with (thanks to all of the check-ins on social media
outlets). Although we use them for personal things, oftentimes we also
use them for various professional reasons. The reason I bring this up is
that I cannot tell you how many times I have heard from the frantic client
questioning the phone numbers and texts when they have gone asnoopin'. Let's go there again: Don't go looking for trouble. If the phone
in question is utilized for professional use, give all uncertain information
the benefit of the doubt. But know this—you shouldn't be looking there
anyway!
I received a phone call from client who was freaking out because she
had gone through her husband's phone and found a contact for “wife."
O f course, she was terribly upset when she saw that the number listed
was not her own. When I tuned in to this situation, I saw that it was just
a nickname for a co-worker he spent a lot of time with— his “work wife."
The listing in his phone meant no disrespect to my client, and she un­
fortunately had overreacted to something that was obviously not clear.
Once she realized her misunderstanding, she was able to go to her hus­
band and express her displeasure with the nickname/terminology he had
used as a contact in his phone. Her husband completely understood her
2 pages left in chapter

2 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

displeasure, apologized, and immediately changed the contact name in
his cell phone. Fortunately, this misunderstanding, which could have
escalated into something dire such as a divorce or separation, did not,
thanks to my reading and her presence of mind to call and get some clar­
ity.
Here is the moral of this entire story: Stay out of people’s private busi­
ness. Make decisions on what is and what is not considered private in
your relationship. There isn’t anything wrong with someone wanting to
retain their own, personal identity within a couple. But make those
boundaries known to each other. And for God’s sake, adhere to them.
Honestly, honoring the personal nature o f each other only strengthens
the bond between you two. If you go looking for something that is nefar­
ious and questionable, you are no better than the person secretively hid­
ing it in the first place. Be open. If you question something be an adult
and ask. If you don’t like the answer, then you always have the choice to
move out of the relationship and find exactly what you need.
[contents]

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

S IX T E E N

Me Time
What is me time? It’s that time set aside just for you, to spend with only
you, and you alone. Whether it's reading a book, staring out a window,
taking a hike, or meandering at the mall, it's solely your decision. That’s
what makes it special. It is time for you and for your thoughts. Unfortu­
nately, with everyone being ridiculously interconnected via social media
and wireless technology, we don’t get enough of it. And, more impor­
tantly and unfortunately, we tend to either lose sight of it or make it less
o f a priority when getting involved in an important relationship.
Especially in the beginning o f a relationship, we get caught up in our
time or us time. Me time goes right out the window. But silly us, we for­
get that it was that me time that really identified us as individuals and
made us attractive to our new, potential partner. Time together is great; it
is wonderful and can be magical. It is what drives the relationship and
creates a bond. Time together is truly a blessing. But, don't allow all that
our time to completely replace your own personal activities that make
you, YOU. Our time needs to benefit you both. That's what it is about.
Unfortunately, too many folks get so wrapped up in pleasing each other
that they fail to take time to make number one (you) happy!
And that leads me to another point. Far too frequently we believe that
putting another before ourselves is the intensely selfless maneuver. Out­
side of a parent-child relationship, I beg to differ. Being the peoplepleaser is in my estimation and humble opinion, totally selfish. Yes, I
said selfish. How you ask? Here's why: When you constantly defer to
another's whim, will, or decision, you never have to take any account­
ability for your own life. This only creates a victimization role for the people-pleas-er. If things go wrong, well, you just followed the pack and did

5 pages left in chapter

7 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

what someone else decided. If things go right, you humbly bow your
head as part of the team and go to great lengths to let people know that
you just wanted to be there, help, or take care of the other. Here’s the
thing ... People-pleasers don’t come from a place o f wanting to do good.
They want to be nice. Goodness is an inherent trait within someone.
Being nice is a decision how to act. And we all know that doing what is
good and right isn’t always being nice.
Your time is your time to process what you need to— outside of the
relationship. Although we love and hopefully respect our partner’s opin­
ions, ultimately our way of coming to conclusions is wholly our own. We
learn on our own time in our own way. As such, we need that personal
time to work through the multitude of issues that we run into each and
every day. However, your time does not necessarily need to be spent in
deep, personal thought. It could simply be time to do something inane or
completely selfish for yourself. You could use me time to run out and
have Indian food if your companion doesn’t care for that type of cuisine.
Just because they don’t care for it doesn’t mean that you should sacrifice
something that you love. Or maybe you are a big sports nut. Your time
can consist of playing or watching the sport. Taking the time to reinforce
who and what you are and what you’re about only serves to better the
relationship.
Working on and taking time for you can only benefit the relationship.
I can’t stress that enough. Think about it: When you stop taking the time
for those things that you know and love, you start resenting what is occu­
pying that time—your new partner. Relationships are meant to bolster
and better the individual while creating a unified bond. If you start taking
away those things that, ultimately, make you who you are, you’re only
going to create a wedge between yourself and the one that you are trying
to grow with.
Spending time alone will only strengthen and improve your
4 pages left in chapter

5 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

relationship. I will use m yself and husband as an example (again). We
spend a lot of time together; we are best friends and, for the most part,
share common interests. However we both agree that being around each
other 24/7 for weeks on end can be a bit grueling. When we get to this
point, we know that we are overdue to get some me time. My personal
preference is to go out with one of my girlfriends to have lunch, maybe a
cocktail, and then go shop, shop, shop! When I come home and see my
husband, I am refreshed and excited to tell him about my day and show
off all my new clothes and shoes. My husband tends to create a little me
time late in the evenings or sometimes small little breaks during the day
on the weekends. His vice is video games, in particular, what seems to be
the only game people play nowadays: Call of Duty on Xbox. When he is
feeling stressed or just needs a break from me or a break from the day, he
goes downstairs, fires up the game console and the big screen TV, and
starts “blowing shit up” (his words, not mine). After a couple of hours, he
comes back up a whole new guy and wants nothing more than to spend
the next part o f his day with me.
Far, far too often, people, especially women (I know, saying this is gen­
der biased, but it’s been my observation), feel that being alone equates to
being lonely. Unfortunately, this frequently comes from a point in time
when they felt lonely because they were without a mate, and now they as­
sume the same feeling whenever they are alone. It’s not the case. Don’t
fear being alone. Being alone gives you the time to let you be you without
demands. It’s only in this time, without the day-to-day bombardment of
the world, that we can really see what we feel and need. Just think of how
much you process while driving! We all have had experiences where we
got in our car, drove to our destination, and were completely clueless how
we got there! That’s processing! It’s letting your mind wind out to form
opinions, thoughts, upcoming actions, and all of the other good stuff.
Make sure to give yourself that time without fear.
3 pages left in chapter

4 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

You have hobbies. Your partner has hobbies. Just because you both
love to share time together doesn't mean that you have to embrace each
others' outside passions. My husband is an amazing fisherman. He's
been fishing since he was a young boy. I appreciate that. I get it. Good­
ness knows that I love nature. However, is my version of nature his ver­
sion? Nope. I'd rather sit out in the sun and read a book. He’d rather
throw baits. Does this make either of us bad people? Of course not. It's
great when hobbies and interests are mutual. But don't force it. Guilting
anyone to do anything that isn’t of interest just creates a wedge between
the two. A solution: find something else, above and beyond your indi­
vidual hobbies, that the two o f you can enjoy as a couple and make it your
activity.
I know I mentioned it earlier, but I’m really going to continue to stress
it. What drives a relationship is the uniqueness of each other. It just can't
be said enough. It’s one thing to be complete opposites who have differ­
ences at every turn. But, let's face it. If that were the case, the relationship
would never get off the ground. Taking time, separately, only works to
better the relationship. Remember, there's a reason for the old adage,
“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” It's true! If you and your partner
are together every moment of every day, assuming that you'll have the
rest o f your lives together, how boring and, frankly, tedious, does that
sound? Never having a different experience beyond the relationship to
share? Nothing new to bring to the dinner table for discussion creates
some long, boring meals.
Many, many couples have decided that boys’ nights out/girls’ nights
out are a way to work on individual needs. I think they're a great idea if
that's what you really feel is lacking. Do I think that is the only solution? I
don't. Although hanging out with friends is great and something we all
need (social interaction piece), do I really believe that within that time
that we process our deeper thoughts? No. Social interaction isn't the
2 pages left in chapter

3 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

solution to really taking time to do as you and only you would do.
Friends, albeit fun, are more distraction and/or an addition to the busy
mind rather than time to clear out and process.
This is my extra special note to all the young men and women out
there: Although it sounds ageist, remember, as you read this section, I’ve
been there, looking for the One and fawning over a new paramour. I've
been the silly girl swooning and sometimes shedding tears over some
new boy that had come into my life. Okay. All that being said, I’m going
to sound like an old woman saying this: If I only knew then what I knew
now. Kids, don’t live your life for that next phone call, text, or instant
message. Anticipation is just fine. But value your time. Don’t sit around,
stalling out your life, waiting for someone to give you three minutes of
their time whenever it suits them. Live. If you’re not there to respond to
their message, so what? Life goes on. It shows them that you have a life,
and I promise they’ll be there when you get back. And if they called you
once, missing you, they’ll call again. Your time is just as precious as
theirs and anyone else. The chase, for boys and girls alike, is part of the
fun. Enjoy it. I promise, guarantee (and that’s not a word I take lightly),
and swear that taking my advice won’t steer you wrong.
[contents]

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

SEVENTEEN

Long-Distance Relationships
Oh, the long-distance relationship. The stuff that sappy, chick flick, cablenetwork movies are made of. What happens when we find Mr. or Ms.
Right and they don’t live down the block? Do we make it work? Do we
have the commitment level it’s going to take to create a fruitful rela­
tionship? Heck, for some it’s a simple question of keeping our hands to
ourselves and remaining faithful. For others, it’s a bit more complicated.
Let’s talk about it.
In a perfect world, we meet other singles in our close geographic area.
For most, this works best. Whether it’s at the grocery store, church, bar,
or through mutual acquaintances, we typically find love close by. From
there we can create and foster a more traditional courting scenario. We
see each other on a regular basis and, after a bit of time, decide if we
want to deepen the relationship. However, the world we live in is a
changing. Dating has not only become national, but international.
Just a few decades ago, air travel was an extreme luxury. And just a few
years ago, we had to pay long-distance to call fifty miles down the road,
but now technology has completely revolutionized the world of dating
and relationships. Now, with the Internet and the invention of social
media, we can talk to and meet people all around the planet. We don’t
necessarily need to be confined to individuals hanging around our own
neighborhood. Not only can we communicate, but we can see them
through video chat. Which brings a whole new dimension to the singles’
scene.
Dates and dating no longer have to be in person, face-to-face. Wher­
ever our laptop can go, so can our potential mate. If there is a Wi-Fi con­
nection to be had, there can be that immediate interaction. I’ve seen

6 pages left in chapter

8 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

people schedule virtual dates for various activities. Watching a movie on
the couch? Why not put it on in both homes and watch it together while
chatting on the Web? Want to go out for a drink or cup of coffee? Bring
the laptop and do that together. Heck, the advent o f Internet bars are
based around that exact idea. We teleconference all the time in corporate
world, why not tele-date?
And the idea of a shared experience via technology doesn’t stop there.
Yes, you know where I'm going— phone sex. Or video chat sex. It seems
like there should be some nifty slang term for that, but there isn’t. I
checked. Heck, even sexting is not only viable, but frequently in the news
thanks to unfaithful celebrities. Phone sex (I’m going to use that as the
generic term, from here on out for all of the above), for those in a long­
distance relationship, can really help to complete the bond of a rela­
tionship without the true physical intimacy. Here again, you’re sharing
an experience that is entirely personal and showing vulnerability by doing
so. Hence, the end result is a deeper connection. Although this may not
be the ideal— isn’t that the theme for long-distance relationships— it’s a
good substitute. Anyone you talk to that is in a long-distance relationship
will tell you that this piece is integral to staying together long term.
Another key factor to the long-distance relationship: trust. No matter
how much we are infatuated with another, distance can create trust is­
sues. We can be the most loyal, trusting individual, but given some time
o f not communicating in a way we deem fit, and the monster that is m is­
trust can creep in. Regardless of our past experiences, cheating or not, we
can find ourselves letting those thoughts of infidelity rent a billboard in
our head. Although absence may make the heart grow fonder, it also al­
lows the mind to create subpar scenarios. The only way around this is
communication, communication, communication.
As I mentioned while discussing tele-dating and phone sex, it’s about
the shared experience. Communication is sharing one’s life through your
5 pages left in chapter

7 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

own perceptions. If you are going to commit to the long-distance rela­
tionship, you must make communication a paramount priority. It doesn’t
matter if you are a communication expert or a shy, introverted soul. Your
own personal comfort level needs to be put aside and the communication
aspect of the relationship needs to come to the forefront. The basis of any
long-term, romantic relationship is based in the mind. And communi­
cation is how minds connect. If there is no communication, the rela­
tionship won’t endure. It’s that simple.
Something else to ponder about the long-distance relationship: Is this
a temporary or permanent situation? When a new relationship starts to
blossom, we want to be with each other all the time. That’s the beauty of a
new commitment. But, of course, we all need to get into the relationship
to see how things go. Big decisions don’t need to be and shouldn’t be
made in haste. However, with time, we fall more into a pattern, and we
must discuss whether or not the travel back and forth is going to con­
tinue. So wait a few weeks or a couple months, but do have that discus­
sion. How is it going to work? Are you going to take turns traveling back
and forth? How does it fit into each other’s schedule? Once you establish
the how to, next on the agenda needs to be the permanency.
So, all goes well and you shuttle back and forth. The long-distance
thing agrees with you both and the relationship continues to grow and
mature. Great! But then one thing leads to another. Talk of the big M
comes up. Yes, marriage. This is great. It’s a natural and logical progres­
sion, and exciting too! But now you need to think even more long term.
Who moves? Now, some folks conclude that even though they want to
make the ultimate commitment, they don’t need to physically be in the
same place. However, most people want to share a home with their part­
ner. So, for those who have a more traditional viewpoint on marriage and
cohabitation, the discussion needs to be had of who is going to move
where. Now, there may be an obvious answer. One’s home may be much
4 pages left in chapter

5 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

bigger or more accommodating. There may be children involved. Outside
o f those things, if housing, finances, and jobs are equal, how do you
make that decision?
Ultimately, who moves where is up to the couple. There isn’t a right or
wrong way of making that decision. It could be as simple as one simply
being more willing. Or the economic market being better to sell/lease in a
community. Maybe the cost of living is lower in one area than another.
All these things need to be considered when making the transition. The
best suggestion I can make is probably the most obvious: Make a pro/con
list. Let the facts decide if the two of you can’t make a clear decision.
Although the long-distance relationship probably isn’t the optimum
solution for most, it can be done. Case in point: military families. It’s a
mega-bummer when someone has to be shipped away, oftentimes over­
seas. However proud you are to be serving your country or to be part of a
partnership with a soldier, it still is very hard to be apart from your loved
one. Now, the argument may be that this situation is unique, but the fact
remains that it’s two people, committed, apart from one another. How­
ever honorable the situation may be, these individuals still have to adapt.
They are susceptible to all the same circumstances that any other long­
distance couple face, maybe even more so.
Unfortunately, it’s been my observance that many have tried the long­
distance relationship, but few have succeeded.
Here are two quick stories about long-distance relationships, one that
worked and one that failed miserably.
I met a couple at a paranormal convention a few years back. Oddly
enough, they met each other at a similar event the previous year. I didn’t
know it at the time, but one lived in Tennessee and the other in Ken­
tucky. From what I could tell, these two were married, living together in a
home somewhere, and making it happen. I was a little floored to find out
they lived so far apart. O f course, they were talking about closing the gap
3 pages left in chapter

4 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

and trying to decide which one would have to move, but they were still
very happy and committed with the current setup. Both had long-term
jobs and mortgages. Change like that requires a great deal of time and
planning, but it seemed like they were eventually planning on living to­
gether. They saw each other at least every month or month and half, they
traveled to paranormal events throughout the year, sharing hotel rooms
and meals, creating lots of fun, enjoyable memories. When they even­
tually decided to make the leap, it was the man who decided to pick up
his life, leave his job, sell his home, and move to another state, all to be
with his girl. Their first year was a little rough, as you could imagine.
There was a job change and a decision on whose furniture would stay in
the house or get stored, among other considerations, but they had excep­
tional communication and were very understanding of one another. They
effortlessly found compromise on all things big and small. Now, four
years later, they are married and still living in the woman’s home, though
both names are now on the mortgage. I see them growing old together.
They are a very happy couple who paid their dues in a long-distance rela­
tionship that ended up working.
My next story of a long-distance relationship did not end up as well.
This one is pretty short and typical. A girlfriend from here in the Midwest
met a boy at college who lived down in Arizona. They saw each other as
often as possible, but there were the expected trust issues in play. They
would fight over things like why the boy didn’t text her last night after
she knew he was going out on the town with his buddies. She loved him
but also wanted to trust him and believe in what he had been telling her.
Well, the day came when she and her family had to go down to Arizona,
but she didn’t mention this to her boyfriend. She just figured that the
boy loved her and would thoroughly enjoy the pop-in visit. She couldn’t
have been more wrong. When she got to Arizona, she took her parents’
rental car and drove to see her boyfriend, but when she arrived, she
2 pages left in chapter

3 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

found one little problem. The boyfriend answered the door and immedi­
ately came outside to speak to her, not allowing her in the house. At this
point, he confessed that he was actually married, had a young daughter,
and his wife was pregnant with their second child. He begged this girl to
not make a scene and asked her to please just leave, closing with “I will
explain it all later”— so she left and never spoke another word to him
again. Her heart was broken, and still is. She now has serious trust issues
and finds it hard to have successful relationships with men.
I didn’t share this last story to scare you. The last thing I want to do is
discourage anyone. However, I do believe in understanding the facts.
Dating but living apart from those we love is difficult. It takes a great deal
o f commitment and a strong will to make these types of relationships last
for the long haul. Although I believe long-distance relationships can
work, it takes a special kind o f couple to really make it work. But, for
those that do, it seems like an unbreakable bond. It really makes the cou­
ple stronger. They come from a place of honoring and respecting one an­
other that you may not see in a more traditional couple. Those couples re­
ally know how to make that time with each other, as precious as it is, spe­
cial. And that’s something we could all learn from.
[contents]

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

E IG H T E E N

Love Isn’t All You Need
Now I don’t mean to take the wind out o f your sails, because I’m all about
the romance ... but I’m even more about the real. Love is grand and love
is divine, but the reality is that love, albeit amazing, does not pay the rent,
or the grocery bill, or the utilities. Granted, love is the stuff that gets you
through tough times in relationships, but there is just so much more to
it.
Beyond love comes listening. Frankly, if you ask any gal out there,
she’ll tell you that her love came from listening. Girls fall in love between
the ears, boys. It’s true. It’s all about what we hear from each other. But,
beyond that initial phase, it’s listening to each other’s thoughts, ideas,
dreams, and goals because from that, you are going to learn their likes
and dislikes, and the reasons behind each. If you can learn to listen and
really hear what they have to say, you’ll have a fruitful and long rela­
tionship. The biggest gripe I hear from both genders when speaking to
people in long-term relationships, is not “they don’t love me,” but “they
don’t hear me.” This is so sad, but all too often, so true. The reason lis­
tening is so important is because every issue in a relationship is affected
by communication.
Take money, the most dreaded M word, for example. Every statistic
shows, when it comes to marriages breaking up, 90 percent of the time it
is money related. So, you may be able to live on love, but it sure doesn’t
keep food in the belly, which is pretty darn essential. Now, money is not
the only factor in a marriage, but having financial issues will drive those
other cracks open like nothing else. They can make a marriage raw. Let’s
get real for a second. I do not believe that money is the source of happi­
ness nor do I think it is the root of all evil. I do believe that money simply

6 pages left in chapter

8 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

equals freedom. Money can give you the time and space to do pleasurable
things and to avoid things that you would rather not do. Could you grow
and raise your own food? Sure. Could you go chop wood to heat your
home when needed? Probably. Do you want to? Probably not. We’ve be­
come accustomed to having those things taken care of for us by another,
for a price.
Because money gives us time and freedom, monetary problems invade
the fun time that you can have with your partner. And not having time
with each other, quickly and simply, breaks down the relationship. Now,
do we need to be filthy rich? No. But, our standard of living needs to be
agreed upon between the two involved in the relationship. Although that
sounds very business oriented, it does help build relationships and com­
mon goals. If your vision o f wealth and security differs from your part­
ner, you’re going to have a conflict no matter how much love exists.
And then there is family. Watch any exploitative talk show and before
long you’ll see that extended family can, and will, influence a rela­
tionship. Although you may love one single member of the family, we all
need to understand that we are a package deal. No matter what our rela­
tionship is with those outside family members, we are connected to
them. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, it really works out well and you love the
extended family as much as you love the individual. However, for many
o f us, the parents, siblings, and extended kin are a little rough around the
edges.
Warning: although I completely and totally believe that a family should
speak their mind and share their thoughts, being in a relationship with
someone who takes family opinion over their own is a major red flag.
Sure, considering the opinions of others is a good thing. I believe in con­
sensus. And sometimes, when involved in a romantic relationship, we
overlook precarious situations that others can see more clearly. However,
when your suitor acts, reacts, or behaves per the family wishes, steer
5 pages left in chapter

6 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

clear. This is a sign of someone who will never make a decision, never
take charge, and as a result, never accept responsibility. Every conflict the
couple has (and there are always issues) will end up involving the ex­
tended family. And no one needs that. Unfortunately, it’s an issue that
rarely gets resolved.
If issues with extended family don’t scare you off, the next huge issue
is the prospect o f extending your future family. In other words, let’s dis­
cuss kids. Pretty early on, potential mates should know where they stand
on the idea of having children. And, if you don’t see eye-to-eye in that de­
partment, it’s a deal breaker (see Deal Breakers, chapter Four). But, be­
yond just the idea of conception, how are you going to choose to raise
those kids? Believe it or not, in my practice, a top-five hurt in relation­
ships is differences in how to not only discipline, but school, feed, and
spiritually guide children. Some folks believe in tough love. Some believe
in corporal punishment. Others believe that children should be allowed
to express themselves however necessary. There are those who believe
that academics aren’t as important as creativity. Where this really breaks
down a marriage is on the teamwork front. If little Johnny knows that he
can go to one parent for something that the other didn’t allow, you don’t
exactly have a unified front. And isn’t that what marriage is all about?
That unified partnership? Here again, you can love each other endlessly,
but how to pass along that love to something created by each one of you
may be a different distinction.
Remember how your parents told you to never discuss religion or poli­
tics in public? Well, we’re going to. Here we go.
I have a lovely, kindhearted, beautiful client, who when initially mar­
ried, was a devout Lutheran. She married young, had two beautiful
daughters, and was happy. But over time, her faith and beliefs changed,
and with that, her relationship with her husband changed too. He could
not understand what happened to the girl he once knew. It seemed their
4 pages left in chapter

5 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

marriage had somehow devolved to roommate status. This is why reli­
gion is a hotbed of controversy. Faith, over time, can change, as it did for
my client. Starting out, you will discover where you both stand on the
religion scale. You may be more spiritual while your potential partner
may be an every Sunday kind of guy or gal, or vice versa. Whatever the
case, it’s not only important to understand where each one is currently,
but where each one may be going. Even those who are absolute in their
dogma today may change their ways in a decade. Remember this and, to
avoid issues in the future regarding religion, be open to the ebb and flow
that we all have with our belief system. Remember, it wasn’t religion that
you were initially drawn to, it was the person.
Oh, those nasty politicians. And the nasty debates political ideas can
spawn. Much like religion, politics can be an ever-changing perspective.
Over the course of one life, we may go from neutral observer to radical
lobbyist trying to preach our viewpoints. I can’t tell you how many cou­
ples I talk to that have out-and-out arguments over politics. The solution:
Much like religion, it’s best to understand that not only may your posi­
tion change, but your partner’s thoughts may change as well. But, it
wasn’t their politics that attracted you. It was their being and their heart.
Hold on to that. Although their government policy perspective may have
changed, they haven’t.
All grown adults have baggage. Emotional baggage that carries into
each and every relationship we have, romantic and otherwise. What we
have to remember with each other is that both parties, no matter how
normal we seem, carry it around. Whether it’s from a past lover or a bully
in elementary school, those unseen wounds are there. And anything can
trigger them. So, we need to honor those kooky little pieces of one an­
other. If we are truly committed to one another, it’s our job and oppor­
tunity to help heal those issues with our partner. Now, all the work isn’t
1oo percent yours. It is something that needs to be done together as a
3 pages left in chapter

4 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

team. And that may sound a little daunting. But know, in the long run,
healing those chinks in the armor only serve to improve and grow the
relationship. So you do have a vested interest in working on it!
Drilling down a bit on the idea of baggage, let's take a look at the many
folks out there in an imaginary town I have named Singleville who have
one common denominator: trust issues. Trust, although not necessarily
thought of in this way, is an emotion like any other. And let’s be real.
Emotions are typically based in sound reason and logic. In that vein, trust
issues can come from something very tangible or can seemingly be cre­
ated from nothing in one’s own mind. Unfortunately, regardless of the
genesis, those pesky trust issues are hard to get through. Not to mention
that they are often transferred to an individual who had nothing to do
with the origination. If you are the one with the trust issues here’s my ad­
vice: stop. You and you alone have control over the way you feel. It is not
anyone’s job to prove themselves to you. You have to be ready to move
through your issue. Own it and release it. Remember, we don’t act upon
every impulse. Nor do we need to act upon every emotion. Under­
standably, no one wants to be hurt. However, if trust doesn’t exist in a
relationship, it stays one-dimensional and never progress naturally.
You would think that love and respect would go hand-in-hand. Sur­
prisingly, they do not. As we all know, we can detest another human
being but still respect them. The same goes for love. We can love another
but have little respect for their character. (Just talk to anyone that has had
experience in an abusive relationship. Love exists, but lack of respect is
1oo percent the case.) But, as much as they don’t have to go hand-inhand, in any long-term relationship, you need to have mutual respect for
each other. Respect encompasses not only thoughts but dreams, aspira­
tions, goals, and ideals. Respect tells your companion that although I may
not agree with you at all times, I’ll listen, honor (that’s a biggie), process,
and engage in the foundation that is you. The only way that we can grow
2 pages left in chapter

3 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

in a relationship is to respect one another.
Admittedly, I’m horrible at this next point, but it’s extremely valid
nonetheless. Fight right. Man, those tempers of ours sure do make things
more difficult sometimes. And although we love and cherish each other,
that love goes right out the window when we are angry, hurt, or upset. I
don’t believe that there is one person out there who hasn’t said some­
thing in haste to their partner that they have not deeply regretted. The
best thing we can do is to learn from that lesson or situation. We must try
to become better at expressing what the hurt is rather than lashing out at
the one that we love the most in the world. Making I statements (I feel
_____ , or I am sad b ecau se_____ ,) is the best way to go about under­
standing where each other is wounded. From there, you can move on to
discussing the miscommunication, misunderstanding, or whatever
prompted the issue in the first place. And remember this: name-calling is
never, ever okay or an effective tool in fighting fair.
Ultimately, love is the basis for everything else that comes with a rela­
tionship. And love isn’t the romance and good times. Love is the tough
stuff... the challenges and the conflict that comes with every relationship.
Remember, love isn’t about loving the best in a person. It’s knowing the
worst and loving them in spite of it.
[contents]

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

N IN E T E E N

If You Think
They Are Cheating
How's that for a harsh chapter title? Not to mention a tough reality. But it
really is the truth. Let me explain ...
First off, look at the situation as rationally as you can. Don’t assume
the worst. Analyze your own insecurities and be open and honest with
your partner. You need to be vulnerable and open up if you feel that your
partner is not fully there or committed to the relationship.
This isn’t about being the jealous kind. If you have had issues with
jealousy and trust throughout every relationship that you’ve been in, then
the issue is with you. Perhaps that inherent trust issue comes from some­
thing within. Maybe you don’t feel worthy of being in a great rela­
tionship. Maybe you thrive on the drama of a potential conflict. Whatever
the case, if that behavior sounds like something that permeates every
relationship for you, move on. This part of the book is not for you. Get
yourself to some therapy and work that out in there.
I’m talking to those guys and gals that really, in their heart of hearts,
believe that their partner is cheating on them. Something is eating away,
unseen, giving them cause for concern. There’s a reason that suspicion
exists. And there is good, sound logic in following up on it, and that, dear
reader, is the whole point. Follow up. You can’t let this feeling sit around
and fester like an open wound. You need to get answers and give some
finality to what you, in your heart, are feeling.
First things first: Why are you suspicious? Did you find a piece of
paper with an unknown number on it? Are you getting odd calls where
they hang up if you answer? Is your guy or girl just being really sketchy
about where they were, or where they are going? Obviously, the first

7 pages left in chapter

9 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

course of action is to simply ask them. It might be painful. The response
may cause a conflict. But, as I tell all of my clients, you will at least have
an answer. (Note: Answers do not always mean truth.) That is where you
need to start. Keep in mind that you may get a very straightforward an­
swer that you were not hoping for. All of this is part o f the process.
Something else to ponder ... What do YOU consider cheating? Believe
it or not, a wide breadth of experiences falls into the cheat category. What
does it mean to you? Some folks think that flirting is cheating. Personally,
I flirt with anyone, regardless of gender, so that certainly doesn’t cause
heartache in my book. But, for some, it really does. For others, it’s having
any sort o f romantic feelings. For example, a simple crush or even feeling
a deeper connection, other than friendship, to someone besides your
partner, can constitute cheating. O f course, most of us would agree that
physical touch in any capacity is infidelity. Holding hands, kissing, and
sex, for most, meet the criteria.
Another suggestion is to talk to your family. Let’s face it. We typically
aren’t terribly objective to our partner when involved in a relationship.
Our family sees things we may not. Not to mention that they, hopefully,
have our best interest at heart. However, along with the love that our fam­
ily has for us, they don’t want to hurt us, either. So, they may hold back
on things that they perceive or know. Ask them their thoughts. Ask them
if they’ve heard anything suspicious. Here again, we may get answers
that we would rather not hear. Be prepared. And whatever happens, re­
gardless of the status of infidelity, don’t hold the feedback against them.
Take in the information, utilize it as necessary, and move on.
If you are just dating (and by dating I mean in any relationship other
than an exclusive, romantic relationship), you need to let your suspicions
pass. If you haven’t had the commitment discussion and both agreed to
be monogamous, then you don’t have the right to be suspicious. Al­
though you may be a very committed person and not a serial dater, that
6 pages left in chapter

8 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

doesn’t mean that whomever you’re dating has the same conviction. If
you haven’t made the specific decision to be exclusive, then you can’t take
umbrage at their behavior.
It’s up to you to be the investigator. If you’ve asked the question, got­
ten an answer, and still feel as if something is awry, then you need to dig
deeper. I always find it fascinating when people ask, get a response, still
feel skeptical, yet never dig deeper. It’s almost as if they’d rather be
uncomfortable than find out the truth. But I digress. There are various
methods of doing some pretty passive research. Ask the same question in
different ways. See if the answer changes. Look around their car. Have
things been moved or added that would be unusual for them? Take note:
Please make sure to not break any privacy rules unless you have concrete
evidence that you feel you need to explore. If you feel it’s necessary, go
the extra mile and hire a professional private investigator.
We’ve all heard the saying that love is blind. Then add deaf and mute.
That doesn’t mean that you have to be stupid in addition. If you’re feel­
ing compelled to investigate, don’t make yourself out to be the bad guy.
We act upon other hunches. Work through this one as well. The greatest
result is that you can prove yourself wrong, put your suspicions aside,
and move on to a better relationship. Too frequently we find ourselves
pooh-poohing our thoughts and notions, telling ourselves we’re being
overly sensitive or jaded. That may be the case, but if it is, by doing a little
soul searching we can determine that readily.
We need to listen to our gut. It guides us, protects us, and warns us of
upcoming issues. It tells us to proceed with caution not only in relation­
ships but in all aspects of life. Very rarely, if you really think about it, do
gut reactions steer us wrong. It’s when we dismiss that feeling and go
against ourselves where we typically misstep and find ourselves in regret.
So, let’s just say you find out that you were right. Your partner is
cheating. You’ve discovered evidence beyond a shadow of a doubt. What
5 pages left in chapter

6 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

do you do? That’s up to you, but something you may want to consider
during the process. Do you part ways? Can you find it in your heart to
forgive? (I don’t believe in the "forget” part.) However you choose to
move forward, just make sure it is really moving on. You cannot change
what happened. The past is the past and whatever your choice is, make
the unconditional vow to grow in this experience.
If you find that your perceptions were validated and the cheating oc­
curred, you need to make one big, gigantic decision, and that is, to trust
again. Although it’s going to be up to you whether you trust this indi­
vidual going forward, you have to recommit to the idea that not all folks
you will encounter will behave the same way. You may need to heal. That
takes time. However, know within your heart that although this rela­
tionship didn’t pan out the way you’d hoped, the future is bright. You
can make the best out o f what is to come no matter what you choose to
do!
Here is a perfect example of a woman acting on her hunch to discover
that her boyfriend was cheating on her. A teary-eyed gal in her late twen­
ties came to my office several years ago for a face-to-face appointment
and was quite upset about her so-called relationship. When we sat down,
she explained what had happened a couple weeks earlier.
She found out that her current, live-in boyfriend was cheating, plain
and simple. Although he wouldn’t admit it to her, she had very sound
evidence of what had been transpiring over the last several months with
another gal. Being the little investigator, she found out their patterns,
where the other woman’s home was, and, most importantly, when their
next meeting would be.
When the day the boyfriend and other woman planned to rendezvous
rolled around, my client went over to the woman’s house to confront both
the boyfriend and the mistress. As she approached the home, the
boyfriend saw her through a window. He knew exactly what was to come.
4 pages left in chapter

5 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

He was in for a verbal assault. As such, he hightailed it up into the attic,
although only clothed in a towel as he had just exited the shower. He was
a simple coward and ran away hoping to avoid her wrath, the truth.
Upon approaching the house, my client immediately saw that her
boyfriend’s car was brazenly parked out front— confirming her worst
suspicions and fears. He was there. Appropriately, she parked her car and
furiously walked to the front door and knocked. The woman answered,
and my client plowed her way into the home intent on confronting the
other woman and the boyfriend at the same time. However, it was only
the lady of the house that she initially saw.
My client initiated the confrontation by stating that she knew what was
going on and that she knew that the boyfriend was there. Although the
mistress admitted to the affair with the boyfriend, she denied that the
mutual boyfriend was actually at the house, saying he had left a while
back. As my client continued to make accusations, the other woman tired
o f the battle and eventually turned her back and tried to walk away from
my client, proceeding upstairs to the home’s second-floor bedrooms. The
mistress was hoping that my client would just leave her home and not
follow her upstairs. But that was not the case, since my client was a
woman scorned and intent on getting a pound of flesh from everyone in­
volved.
She (the client) followed the other woman right upstairs, continuing to
profess her disgust and anger at the entire situation, letting her know
about both past events and the future plans that she and the boyfriend
had made that obviously didn’t include her (the mistress). My client fol­
lowed the other woman into a bedroom on the second floor hoping to
hear that, never again, would the mistress see the boyfriend. But that rant
was cut short.
As the two women were standing face to face in the bedroom, they
heard a loud creak and then a major break. Then all hell broke loose. The
3 pages left in chapter

4 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

boyfriend, who had been in the attic this entire time, fell through the
bedroom ceiling, still wrapped in the towel from the shower. Needless to
say, at a minimum, my client’s suspicions that he was still in the home
were confirmed.
Now back to my client and me sitting in my office ...
So, upon telling me this quite interesting story, she asks me this one,
singular question: Should I get back together with him and give him an­
other chance? There it is folks. Sometimes you just don’t need a psychic.
Of course, my answer was an abrupt “Hell no!” Most likely followed by
“are you kidding me?” and an offer to kick this guy’s butt.
I picked up that this man was a perpetual cheater who continually
sabotaged one relationship after another, and that she should run far, far
away. He had no intention of marrying her, which was her ultimate
objective. Love is blind, so they say, and I made it clear to my client she
had lost all sight of what was happening in her relationship.
I am human, after all, and girls need to stick together sometimes. But
she needed someone who was objective who didn’t know her or her socalled boyfriend or her family that could see the entire story and tell her
to just say no and dump his sorry ass. Objectivity is vital when assessing
whether or not to take yourself out of the equation. What would you do if
you were not in the situation? Sometimes you need to listen to your own
advice.
Another thing: If you find there was an indiscretion, don’t blame the
third person. Although it takes two to tango, you, personally, are only in
the romantic relationship with the one person. It is quite easy to blame
the other party involved, as they typically are not a part of your conver­
sations working through the conflict. It’s not to say that the third party
isn’t a part of the issue, but do not allow the one you love to deflect the re­
sponsibility to someone else not in the room. What happened was and is
between you and your partner. Although a third party is involved, they
2 pages left in chapter

3 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

are not privy to the inner workings of your relationship. Keep the blame
where it needs to be—with the one who chose to step out of the bounds
o f commitment.
Lastly, in a relationship where there was a cheat, one of the worst
things you can do is ask yourself “Why?” Let me clue you in on some­
thing I've discovered over two decades worth o f readings for others
who’ve been in the same predicament. There isn’t any right answer. Un­
fortunately there aren’t words to make everything okay or perfectly under­
stood. There may be thousands of excuses. There may be hundreds of
reasons. But I have never come across one that has made everything
right. The only thing you can do to start healing is to follow your heart
and work on yourself to move forward. However, that needs to happen
for you.
In a perfect world, you are going to find out that your suspicions were
incorrect. You may have come across a misunderstanding to pique your
interest. Maybe you overheard something incorrectly. Rejoice in the fact
that you were proven wrong. Here again, this is the time to move on.
Don’t sit around letting the suspicion rent space in your head. Let it go.
Become a more trusting and loving person in your relationship!
[contents]

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

TWENTY

Abusive Relationships
I literally got a knot in my stomach just starting this section of the book.
It’s not easy to talk about something so heinous. But it needs to be said,
and understood. Far too many good folks I talk to each and every day are
either in an abusive relationship or have been in an abusive situation. If
you have not directly or indirectly been in an abusive relationship, thank
goodness. Believe it or not, that is not the norm. This piece of material
may not be fun, exciting, or filled with humor. Be forewarned. However,
it’s something that goes on behind closed doors each and every day in
every community. Although I’m no therapist, I do speak with those men
and women who have encountered abuse. And I'll be damned not to be a
voice for them here in this book.
Maybe the best way to start this part of the book is with my own per­
sonal experiences. So many times we get into abusive relationships due to
our experiences growing up as children. I know I had my fill. My DNA
dad (the Dad I refer to otherwise throughout this book is my stepdad, the
man who really raised me) had a temper. I could regale you with count­
less memories and stories of anger-fueled moments, but I'll just share
this one with you. My DNA dad, mom, and I were making the trek home
from my grandparents’ farm in southern Minnesota. Although my DNA
dad was driving, he apparently became unfamiliar with how to get home.
I assumed he was taking a new route. When my mom simply suggested
taking a left, he thought the appropriate response was to punch her in the
face, with little me in the back seat as a witness. I was about four years
old, and that moment is burned into my memory. Sadly, my mom had a
black eye for days, but I think that was the least of her injuries. I remem­
ber seeing her take out that yellow stick of cover-up day after day to try to

8 pages left in chapter

10

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

hide what he did. Although he did it, she took on the shame as hers
alone. She didn't want to go out. She didn’t want to share what happened.
She just took it all on herself and internalized the fear, disrespect, and
embarrassment. Shortly thereafter, scared for what else he could do, not
only her, but to her daughter (me), she filed for divorce after eleven years
o f marriage. Fortunately, this was the last time he would physically abuse
her. But there were others. I won’t share them with you now, as further
points need to be made.
So my mom got out o f an abusive marriage and met and married the
man who is now my dad. Although I lived a pretty typical childhood, the
abusive pattern I had witnessed carried over into my dating. Just after
high school, I began a long-term relationship with a local boy. All in all,
we dated for about two tumultuous years. He was part of a big family,
and every member of that family loved to party. Unfortunately alcohol
and drug abuse reared its head with more than one of the siblings. And I
was lucky enough to attach myself to one of the worst abusers. This boy
was the baby of the family. And when you’re one of seven, when it gets
around to parenting, mom and dad are just tired. So they let things go
that might not have flown earlier with the older kids.
My boyfriend, Matt, was willing to try any type of illegal substance.
And honestly, as we were years before the legal drinking age, pretty much
everything was illegal. But, having six older siblings, a couple of whom
had their own addictions, makes it pretty easy to procure whatever your
heart desires. And Matt took full advantage. Beer and pot were easy to get
his hands on. But the spectrum of what he would try and ultimately use
was endless. Cocaine, methamphetamine, you name it. And there I was,
standing by his side, just trying to keep him upright and prevent an over­
dose. I’ll tell you what: once you see that side of drugs, you’ll want noth­
ing to do with them.
As I mentioned, Matt and I dated quite a while. At one point, I actually
7 pages left in chapter

8 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

called a meeting with his mom and dad to share my observations and my
fears about his drug addictions. I fully expected that he would break up
with me as soon as he found out But, like many addicts, he understood
that he had a problem and apologized to me for it, promising me that he
would straighten up and try. And what can I say? I was young. I thought
he would make better choices going forward. He didn’t.
One afternoon, the entire family was getting together at the parents’
house for a sibling reunion. The married siblings were bringing their
spouses and kids. Those who were dating were bringing their significant
others. So I was included. Matt started pounding the beers. Getting more
and more slurry and sloppy, he decided to go lay down in his room. After
a couple hours, his darling little nephew and his family made it to the
get-together. The boy wanted to go see his uncle. I thought enough time
had passed that Matt may have sobered up enough to reconnect with the
party. The little nephew and I went up to his room, knocked on the door,
and Matt told us to come in. Unfortunately, the time away hadn’t helped.
When we entered, his nephew rushed up to the bed wanting to play. Matt
shoved him, cursed at him, and said some pretty terrible things. At this
point, the nephew started to cry. He didn’t understand what was going
on. He was only four years old. I escorted him back downstairs, incensed.
Then I stormed back upstairs to have it out with Matt, my mistake. I was
sick at what happened. “Whatever your issue is, you don’t hurt a child in
my presence,” I loudly explained to Matt. Matt’s solution: Shove me into a
wall. Then grab my wrist to such a point it later swelled up around my
watchband— to the point that you couldn’t see the watch. As he was man­
handling me, he decided to pull a gun out of a holster he had hanging
around his bedpost.
As I stood up, trying to regain balance, he pulled the gun, loaded it
with bullets, and told me he was going to shoot me. My response was
calm but quick, so with pride I told him if you shoot me for protecting a
6 pages left in chapter

7 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

young child, it will be worth taking the bullet. At that point, he seemed to
lose some steam, and I was able to make it out of the room. Leaving the
room, I found his mother sitting there on the stairs, listening to the en­
tire event. She was too afraid to enter the room to try and stop the attack.
And I'll leave it at that. So, when I speak to abuse, I know what I’m talk­
ing about.
My entire point sharing this with you, dear reader, is that abuse,
whether physical or psychological, often becomes ingrained at a very
young age. Growing up with any sort o f abuse often leads to encounters
with it in our adult lives, no matter how aware of the situation we are. We
adjust to it. It’s not so much that we can’t recognize it and know that it is
wrong, but more so that we relate to it. It’s familiar. And, because we are
often in love with those who abuse, we think that maybe this time we can
love just enough to make the bad behavior stop. Unfortunately, our love
can never stop an abusive situation. The only love that will stop an abuser
is love for oneself. The anger and hostility that they have and project onto
others is really deep down personal hate and resentment for themselves.
I think that we all understand what physical abuse is. It’s any sort of
unwanted physical touch. Hitting, shoving, sexual assault (including
everything from forced, non-consensual sex to explicit talk), even poking
can be seen as a physical attack. Then there is the psychological abuse. I
use this term to encompass what some call mental and emotional abuse.
Frankly, I don’t see how you can have one without the other. You screw
with someone’s mind and, ultimately, it’s going to affect their emotional
state. Psychological abuse can include name-calling, yelling, intimidation,
put-downs, negative judgmental statements— the type o f abuse that cre­
ates the unseen bruises and black eyes. It wounds the soul. Although I
believe that psychological abuse can and does exist without physical
abuse, I do not believe that physical abuse cannot exist without psycho­
logical abuse.
5 pages left in chapter

6 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

Any form of intimidation is viewed as abuse. Threats of any sort are
absolutely seen as a technique used by abusers. We all know that when
we were children we heard, “Just wait until your father gets home!” From
there, what we conjured up in our mind was, likely, much worse than the
actual punishment itself. Same principle applies here. Verbal threats of
physical intimidation are scary. Whether or not the threat becomes real or
not is irrelevant. Implying any sort o f abusive behavior is just as bad as
the actual deed itself.
Now, bear in mind, disagreements and outright arguments aren’t
abuse. O f course, there may be upset moments or hurt emotions, but
conflict occurs each and every day. No matter how deep, caring, and lovefilled your relationship, it’s natural, normal, and healthy to have a fight
now and again. It is how you fight that becomes the issue. As I stated be­
fore, no matter how mad or angry you or your partner becomes, there is
never a need for abuse.
A few tips on how to fight fair: First, make the issue the only issue.
There isn’t a need to take steps back and bring up other past conflicts.
Stay on topic. Second, always remember that although you are at odds
over the issue, you still respect and love your partner. No need to belittle
them. Using “I statements,” such as, “I fe e l_______ ” is a great way to
keep the conversation on the up and up. Another tip: If your partner
gives you credit, appreciate and acknowledge that understanding. Don’t
look for more. Acknowledging positive steps during a conflict can really
work to resolve the issue much more quickly. If things become too heat­
ed, take a minute to walk away. Leave the room. Leave the building if you
have to. Taking a pause gives you both some time to clear your minds.
Lastly, forgive. And mean it. If you come to a point where you are seeing
that you may have misunderstood something, own it. Ask for forgive­
ness. Alternatively, if your partner wants to apologize, go there. You have
nothing to gain by keeping the hostility going. Forgive and then really,
4 pages left in chapter

4 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

really let it go and move on.
Unfortunately, I talk to both men and women in abusive relationships
who stay together for the kids. Although the sentiment is understood and
well meant, the outcome is pretty grim. Staying in an abusive rela­
tionship creates a few problems. First of all, you are teaching your chil­
dren that abuse is okay in a relationship. If you are going to tolerate it,
then they should expect and tolerate the same behaviors in their adult
relationships. Another issue: You are showing your children that you
don’t respect yourself. No one with self-respect should put up with any
sort of abusive behavior. And if you won’t (or choose not to) respect your­
self, how are the kids supposed to respect you and listen to your guid­
ance? By staying, you are creating a conflicting atmosphere in which you
ask them to mind what you say, but show that your are not willing to take
control of your own life.
Another issue is that the parenting suffers. All abusive relationships
put a wedge between the abusee and the abuser. Parenting is about team­
work. And I don’t care how great of an actress/actor you are, your kids
will see the divide. Any pain your children may feel because you left the
situation will be multiplied by staying.
Unfortunately, another reason why good people stay in critical, abusive
relationships is the alleged embarrassment they feel about being in the
situation. Nothing could be further from the truth, but, unfortunately,
the abuser often creates a psychological headspace where the abusee feels
they will be shunned by those who love them. Being in an abusive rela­
tionship isn’t small potatoes. It’s major. If you are in a situation that has
any abuse, find a support system and quickly; you will see that there are
not only those who love and understand, but can relate. A shocking statis­
tic from the FBI reports that four women a day are beaten to death by a
husband, boyfriend, or cohabitating partner in abusive relationships.
These are wonderful people who just didn’t feel they could find a way
3 pages left in chapter

3 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

out. Don't become a statistic. If you don't feel you can confide in anyone
you know personally, there are great organizations to contact such as the
National Domestic Violence Hotline at i -(8oo)-799-SAFE (7233). Domes­
tic violence is still the single biggest threat of injury to women— more
than heart attacks, cancer, strokes, car accidents, street violence, and
rapes combined.
Unfortunately the statistics for men being abused aren't as prominent.
But make no mistake; men are victims of abuse as well. As we, culturally
and economically, are shifting as a society, we are finding the trend to­
ward abuse to males becoming more and more staggering. However, be­
cause too many men feel emasculated by the abuse, they aren’t coming
forward as readily. But, more and more cases are being documented and
information is coming forward. This isn't a gender-specific issue.
If you are in an abusive relationship, remember life is a series of
choices, and you do not have to accept the spot you are in. No one de­
serves to be in any sort of abusive situation. Although the choices may be
hard, there are always choices. There are resources out there to help
you—you are not alone. There are friends, family, co-workers, and profes­
sionals who want nothing more than what is best for you. They love and
care about you. Reach out to them today. Do not feel shame in asking for
help. You did not create this awful situation you are currently stuck in.
Many more people than you know have gone through abusive relation­
ships, and they can relate and they can assist. Anyone worth having in
your life will not judge you; they want and desire to help. Reach out to
them now and put yourself on a new, safe, and happy path. Get out now;
you won’t regret it. Rather than being a victim, look to change your per­
sonal story. Imagine being able to use your story of survival to help out
someone else. Imagine the inspiration you could provide someone who is
in the same boat. Helping yourself will in turn help others. But you need
to save yourself before you can become the savior of others.
2 pages left in chapter

2 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

[contents]

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

Part Three

Take Stock, Learn,
Move On, and Try Again

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

TW EN TY-O NE

Blame Is for Suckers
I believe it’s a Japanese philosophy that emphasizes the idea that blame
is a waste o f time. I couldn’t agree more. Although I think people need to
be held accountable for the situations they create, searching for the per­
son to blame rarely solves anything. O f course, this rule isn’t for criminal
activity. In that case, I wholly endorse finding the culprit. However, in
romantic relationships, I see far too many couples taking up far too much
time trying to place blame on each other.
I think we could all agree that we’ve all made a mistake or two. We’re
human after all. And, hopefully, in those situations that we have hosed
up, I trust that we take responsibility for said hose up. We are adults who
understand that no one is perfect. But that nasty blame card can come
into play. Let me ask you this: If you were to be blamed for something,
regardless of the issue or your guilt or innocence, is your first instinct to
defend, deny, and possibly excuse your behavior (if conceding to any
point of contention)? My point is that it’s human nature to push back on
blame, even if you are 1 oo percent responsible. Blame puts people on the
defensive. No getting around it. And putting anyone on defense doesn’t
create a great atmosphere for communication. And what does poor com­
munication lead to? Poor relationships, that’s what. Blame is a sure-fire
way to Argumentville, which is just west of Singleville and south of Fight
Town. Unless you’re looking for a conflict, don’t blame.
Blame assigns the catalyst for the hurt/pain— it doesn’t really fix any­
thing. You may feel justified in getting your partner to submit to some
sort of fault, but what exactly does it accomplish? It just justifies your vic­
timization. And let me tell you this, honey, victim doesn’t look pretty on
anyone. Essentially blame is an arm wrestling match. You don’t win any

3 pages left in chapter

3 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

awards, there isn’t any applause, and it really doesn’t hold any ground for
future use. Just like those silly guys in a bar, after a few beers, needing to
find some feat of strength to make them feel superior, so works blame.
Let me tell you another truth about blame. Blame simply creates more
blame. How you ask? Think about it, in defense mode, the first thing you
reach for is a way to justify your actions. How do we do that? With a good
old, “Well you d id _____ , so don’t be mad at me!” Very adult, but we all
do it. From there, as we draw on the anger of the moment, we go churn­
ing up any and all transgressions our mind can conjure to defend our­
selves, often by redirecting the conversation to our partner’s misdeeds.
This cycle o f blame is just silliness on top of more silliness.
Not to mention that blame can take an awful lot of time. Any sort of
argument isn’t a great use of time. I think we can all agree on that. And,
once the blame train leaves town, even if you get your partner to concede,
you are still, most likely, left with the original conflict. After getting all
worked up on the blame piece, you’ll want to hash out the feelings, hurt,
and actions. But what about the solution? Isn’t that what everyone really
wants? We want to be understood and forgiven. We also want to come to
an agreement that includes a plan for what to do if the situation arises
again. It’s just that simple. Blame, in any form, really has no place in
healing. It only creates more hurt. That I promise.
Lastly, before rushing to blame, or even approaching a conflict, take a
minute to walk in the offender’s shoes. Is the offense really heinous?
Was it done with malicious intent? Probably not. Most likely, your loved
one just didn’t think, or didn’t know. Who are we to think we are without
sin? We have all said something ghastly without meaning it. We have all
overstepped a boundary where we didn’t know there was one. As such,
keep in mind your own faults and flaws before exhausting time and effort
in finding fault not only in your partner, but in all relationships. It’s been
said that no one ever regretted being silent in an argument.
2 pages left in chapter

2 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

The bottom line here isn't when to engage in a fight. They're going to
happen. That's part of relationships and being in love. We not only hurt
those we love most, but they hurt us the most deeply. It’s part of the deal.
However, take the time to act, react, and argue the way that you should—
like a grown-up. Children, because they don’t know any better or have the
right words to express their full emotions, place blame. You are older and
hopefully a bit wiser than that. Tap into that wisdom and don't play the
blame game.
[contents]

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

TW EN TY-TW O

Letting Go
It happens. Although we try to make it work, through one condition or
another, it's not going to. So we need to let go of the relationship. Maybe
you have changed. Maybe your partner made a poor decision that you
cannot agree with or forgive. Whatever the case, when talking about rela­
tionships, you need to, in fact, I'd say you MUST talk about the breakup.
For the breakee (the one who's being dumped): Yeah. You are going to
feel rejection. It is totally normal and reasonable to have a bit of a pity
party. We all have to wallow in the sadness for a bit. And that's the key
word: bit. This isn’t a forever state. The world goes on. Pull yourself up by
your bootstraps and get back out there. Just because this relationship
didn't work out doesn't mean another, totally viable, exciting relationship
isn't around the corner. This is the best time in the world to join a gym,
get a makeover and revamp yourself, and get on to bigger and better!
For the breaker (the one initiating the breakup): You've probably been
mulling this over for days, maybe even weeks or months. Keep that in
mind. You've had time to prepare. Be kind. (We'll talk more about that
later.) And by all means, don’t get smug. Let your soon-to-be ex-partner
know that you're hurting too. Silly as it may seem, to know that the other
party in the relationship is hurting tends to ease individual pain. Another
pointer: Make it quick. No breakup ritual needs to be dragged out to
come to some point of understanding and mutual conclusion. Say what
you have to say and then part ways. And I mean part ways literally. If at
all possible, woman up/man up and do it in person, face-to-face like an
adult. One other thing is to not be the schmuck that breaks up via text.
Which kind o f leads to something that’s relatively new, at least to the
over-thirty crowd, and that is the social media aspect of the breakup. In

6 pages left in chapter

8 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

the matter of moments, friends, family, co-workers, and acquaintances
can know our relationship status. Although I'm extremely fond of social
media, I’ve seen it used in relationships in horrible, vindictive ways. The
public outburst and humiliating comments that are posted on some peo­
ple’s public pages can be scathing. Remember this: no one, ever, ever was
faulted for taking the high road or for keeping personal details personal. I
get it. When we go through a breakup, many of us want to share the de­
tails. And that’s okay. In fact, it’s healthy to discuss what transpired with
those you are close to privately. Keeping it private is the key. However, it’s
simply not necessary to have (for example) Sally, who sits in the office
cube kitty-corner from you, know the dirty details.
Sure, spilling it all is cathartic, and some of your acquaintances may
even join you in the bashing of the ex, but consider this—you may end
up getting back together. You never know. I’ve seen the most heinous
breakups in which the couple later reconciled and rekindled the romance.
And then what? You’ll have a lot of explaining to do.

Breakup Tips
Let me make some suggestions to those who are thinking of breaking it
off with their current partner (and these stem from countless regrets I’ve
heard in personal readings throughout the years):
Tip # 1: No Breakup Sex
I cannot tell you how many scorned individuals were hurting, looking for
affection, and gave in to that temptation, only to feel remorseful and dis­
gusted afterward. Interestingly enough, when we, as humans, experience
a loss, there is a chemical that is released into our bodies that causes us to
crave physical affection. Hence, the desire to have one more physical con­
nection with the ex. However, just because biology is at work here doesn’t
mean that we have to follow through. Heck, we often feel hungry and
crave different foods, but move past those. This is the same thing. Don’t
do it. You’ll live to regret it.
5 pages left in chapter

7 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

Tip #2: Don’t Be Mean
Just don’t be mean. There’s no reason for it. And, frankly, there isn’t a
cause to be rude either. If you’re adult enough to have a relationship with
someone, be an adult and act like it in the breakup. If nothing else,
remember and respect what you two once had, even if it’s long gone.
Here, again, it’s about taking the high ground. Can you be honest? Of
course. Can you share examples? Absolutely. Your former mate could
even find this to be informative and constructive advice for the future.
But it’s not about dredging up the past and rehashing it. You have made
your decision. Follow it through with dignity, kindness, and respect.

Tip #3; Do It in Public
No, not that! But if it’s at all possible, meet at a public place. And notice
that I said meet. If you both transport yourselves to one location, other
than one another’s home, you don’t have to deal with that extremely awk­
ward drive home together. You can both quietly leave and lick your
wounds respectively. Additionally, this pretty much squelches any chance
o f breakup sex. Also note that I said public place, which decreases the
chance o f shouting and hysterics, as most of us would rather not make a
scene. It creates more o f a subdued, calm transition. Although you may
be faulted for breaking it off in public, explain that you wanted a neutral
atmosphere where both of you could feel comfortable.

It's Done— Now What?
No matter how it happens, it hurts. And we dwell on the exact words
more than under any circumstances, even if they’re cliched. This is okay.
We’ve all heard it, whether it came from one o f our favorite sitcoms or
happened in real life: The “It’s not you, it’s me” excuse. And there’s valid­
ity to it. So, if you are on the receiving end of it, embrace it. People
change. It’s a fact of life and something that we all go through. Hopefully,
as we make those changes, our relationships grow and deepen, allowing
those changes to be incorporated. However, sometimes they don’t. And
4 pages left in chapter

6

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

the new perspective is counteractive to the relationship. If that’s really,
truly the case, then you have every right to utilize that reasoning. How­
ever, be prepared to expand upon and explain where those changes have
taken place, internally and externally. It’s only fair, if you’re going to ex­
press yourself that way, that you have examples. Again, use the breakup
as an opportunity for growth on both your parts.
So the breakup happened. And you’re the breakee. You didn’t see this
coming. And here you sit, sad and blue. A suggestion for you is do not
wait around. Clinging to a glimmer o f hope that something may change
and help reignite your relationship doesn’t mean that you sit around pin­
ing for your loved one in hopes they see the light. In fact, work the oppo­
site side of things. Make yourself more available and attractive to all par­
ties (new and old). Take up a new hobby. Get a gym membership. Learn a
new skill. Whatever it is, you take control o f your life and what is to come.
Doing nothing will never create the change that you want in your life.
The moment you get moving is the moment that the Universe brings you
new opportunities!
Now let’s talk about the good old rebound. Yep, rebound relationships
happen, and they happen all the time. I’ll go out on a limb and even say
they’re healthy— as long as you understand, acknowledge, and embrace
the fact that they are temporary. A rebound is meant to be fun and spon­
taneous, a reminder o f the joy of the joy of dating and relationships.
They’re not meant to be the next big thing. Rebounds are meant to bring
you back to balance from the hiccup that was a breakup. So enjoy them
but really understand what they’re about. It’s about finding that selfconfidence, self-esteem, and inner glow that new relationships bring. A
rebound fling can be helpful for you to get over the hurt and it may
launch you back into the dating pool.

Staying in Touch
Unless the breakup was particularly unsavory or resulted in someone
3 pages left in chapter

4 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

moving out of the state, you’ll probably see your ex once in a while
through common co-workers, a shared circle o f friends, and maybe even
while diving back into the dating pool. It’s best if you are prepared for
this. Having contact with someone even as an acquaintance can stir up
emotions, and even after starting a few hobbies and having a good re­
bound, this question almost always seems to come up.
What if you two do get back together?
Before even approaching the idea of getting back together, ask yourself
these super-important questions: Is the reason that you broke up still
there in any form? Is the issue still looming? Does the situation still affect
you? If the answer is "yes” to any of it, stay away. You’re not doing your­
self or your mate any favors by giving it a go simply due to optimism. If
they are in the same place and if you still have the same thoughts and
feelings, you need to move on. Although loving feelings can exist long
after a breakup (even an extremely rough one), that doesn’t necessarily
mean that love is going to bring each of you to a new or better place. It’s
great to have good memories. And it’s even better to be able to look back
at situations and see how you would do things differently. However, all
that lovely hindsight doesn’t mean that you should go back to what was.
So, let’s say you ask yourself that question again. Does the breakup is­
sue(s) still exist? And your answer is no. Great! Fantastic! That means that
someone has grown! Certainly worth commendation! Although the
growth and change happened, it doesn’t mean that you should just jump
right back into things. Remember to start back at the beginning. Either
you or your partner changed. This is amazing. So, that means you’re
working with new material, and that, dear reader, needs to be explored
and embraced. Jumping right back in where you were doesn’t allow the
time to respect and get to know this new piece of the individual. Honor it.
Go back to the courting stage. Heck, it was probably the most exciting
part of your relationship! Get to know each other again and let things
2 pages left in chapter

3 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

re-evolve! In all my years, in all my readings, I have never heard anyone
remark that they regretted taking their time in a relationship.
Now, after the breakup, the big question remains: Can we still be
friends? I’m not going to lie. For me, personally, I just needed to be done.
Call me shallow. Call me simple. Whatever it was, I just didn’t feel the
need to continue the relationship in any form. The reason I mention this
is that I think that in today’s world we feel pressure from society to be
civilized and sophisticated, which means keeping our exes around us. If
you can do that, great! You’re a bigger person than I. However, if it continues/main-tains the hurt, why would you do that to yourself? You don’t
have an obligation to be friends with anyone. Although I appreciate that
we all want to be liked and have lasting friendships, we don’t have to
force-feed them if they are painful. Remember that. And if you are a per­
son who is really good with having an ex as a friend, but the ex balks at
the idea, honor that as well. That’s how they feel, and it should be re­
spected.
One last suggestion— one that may sound a little silly. Hollywood has
it right. When celebrity couples break it off, the press releases go out.
Cheesy as they may be, the verbiage in them is pretty awesome. They
speak to honoring the relationship that they once had, respecting the pri­
vacy, healing the hurt, and so forth. There will come a time where you’ll
have to announce, either to an individual or to a group, that you’ve parted
ways from your former love. Keep those corny press releases in mind. By
saying those sorts of things, you’re not only respecting your former part­
ner, but you’re also respecting what you formerly had. Not to mention,
you look like a champ for taking the high road.
[contents]

1 page left in chapter

2 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

TW ENTY-THREE

After the Breakup
I can’t tell you how many tales of woe I hear from sweet, kindhearted
people after they have had a breakup. Whether they’re big or small, those
partings will take the wind out of anyone’s sails. It’s hard. But what I get
asked about most is if how they are feeling or handling things is right.
My answer: o f course. What is right for you is right for you. But I get the
question. Everyone wants to know if what they are going through is typ­
ical.
Again, there are no absolute, steadfast rules to healing. Nor is there
anything to hasten the healing or quiet the hurt. I know, I’m being a
downer again, but it’s the truth. When I get asked, “How do I make the
hurt go away?” my heart hurts right along with my client’s. But, sad to
say, I don’t own a magic fairy wand to fix any circumstance, let alone
have the cure for a broken heart. You have to do what you have to do to
get through the pain or breakup. Outside of breaking the law, I’m open to
any and all modalities of healing. Some reach for a self-help book. Other
folks get their hair done. (Yes. Guys do this too. Color, plugs, etc.) Some
just need to be alone and tend to their wounds. Whatever is right for you.
There isn’t one right or wrong way for individuals. Friends and family
are going to make suggestions, try to get you out and about ... all good
stuff that you should give a try, if you like. But you just really dig deep
and do what feels good and healing to you.
If I may, I would like to make some suggestions of what not to do after
the breakup.
Drunken texting! Boy oh boy have I heard some stories. Now, whether
you are the breaker (the one that initiated the breakup) or the breakee,
this is a no-no. If you, being the breaker, start getting all liquored up

5 pages left in chapter

7 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

(tequila seems to be quite a catalyst for this behavior) and drunken text
your former love, you are going to create a whole lot of mess that you will
have to explain at some point. Whether it is the “I still love you” text or
the “You suck and I hate you” text, you have opened a can of worms that
you will likely regret the next day. What you’re doing is creating confu­
sion for the ex. They don’t know you’ve had a six-pack in the last couple
hours. They thought things were done. Now you have just opened that
painful door right back up. Best solution: put the phone down.
Or maybe you’re the breakee and, yes, a bottle or two of wine has been
shared. You get feeling nostalgic. You grab for the phone. Here again, it
may be a very sweet communication o f still having feelings or it may be a
harsh, curse-laden diatribe o f how you’re better off. In either scenario,
you are opening up the door where very little good can come. A general
rule of thumb: If you really feel that you have something to say post­
breakup, and it comes to you during a happy hour, write it down. Put it
in your pocket or purse. Check it out the next day. Still seem like a great
idea? Fine. Communicate your butt off. But, 90 percent of the time you’ll
realize that you saved yourself a world of foolishness.
Another thing to avoid (which, also, is often nudged by booze) is the
idea of getting vengeance. God bless Carrie Underwood and her song
“Before He Cheats,” but it’s just not a place you want to go. We’ve all
heard the stories: sugar in the gas tank, scratching the car, dumping all
their stuff out in the street, even stalking and creating problems for your
ex at work. I could go on, but the bottom line is that you are the one hurt­
ing, and, honestly, truly hurting someone else never, ever takes your pain
away. There’s a great quote (which I’ll paraphrase) about resentment
(which is vengeance without external action): To resent someone is like
poisoning yourself and hoping that the other person will drop dead. So
draw up all the mighty schemes you wish. Just keep them to yourself. Or
talk them over with friends and have a good laugh. But keep it at that. No
4 pages left in chapter

6 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

need to end up in jail over some idiot.
So, time passes. You have moved through wanting to drunken text
your ex. And, you don’t want to take a baseball bat to their windshield
anymore. Bravo. But memories remain of the physical intimacy that you
shared. And it may have been pretty darn good. All fireworkey and stuff.
(Yeah, I said it. Fireworkey.) You recall times, places, even maybe a few
outfits that really worked for you. This does not mean you make the ran­
dom booty call. For those who don’t know what a booty call is, where have
you been?! In all seriousness it’s when you make a call/text/email for only
one thing: sex. Although you may have had the most spectacular physical
connection known to man, physical intimacy confuses things, especially
after a breakup. And chances are it will confuse the both of you. As I’ve
mentioned before, there are chemicals in the brain that make us feel cer­
tain ways when we connect with someone. So, if you decide to go there
again, you’re going to churn up feelings that really seem true and real.
This can be quite unsettling, making you wonder if the departure from
the relationship was the right thing. So, just don’t go there. Let sleeping
dogs lie. Let it go. No relationship came back into being, honorably,
through a booty call.
Since we’re talking about sex , just as a booty call isn’t going to magi­
cally repair your old relationship, you can’t screw your way to happiness
either. I know. Again, I’m pretty crass. But the fact of the matter remains.
Sex, although certainly pleasurable, isn’t going to bring about happi­
ness— at least not long-term, self-worthy happiness. That comes from
learning and making yourself a better person. Reflect on what transpired.
Take accountability for the errors you made. Respect the person that you
are. Then find that happy within. No matter how pretty (and I use pretty
in a non-gender way) the person you find to have sex with, they aren’t
going to make you all better. The healing comes from within.
And yet another segue ...
3 pages left in chapter

4 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

Since I’m talking about that fleeting happiness, shopping your way to
happy isn’t going to happen either. Oh the blessed idea of retail therapy,
the pretty things to make you look good on the outside. Although I’m the
first person
to drag your tuckus to the mall, I'll also be the first person to let you
know that ringing up credit card debt isn’t going to put you in a better
place. In fact, a couple months down the road, it may make you feel even
worse. You’ll have a pile of things yet no one to care about you. Let me
tell you when shopping really, really works: When you’re already happy,
it’s an added bonus. It can be a reward for achievement, a moment of
celebration. But does it bring you out of a sad, depressed state? I’m sorry
to say the answer is always no.
One thing that I always suggest to my clients who are struggling with
the pain of breakup: burn the pictures. I know. I know. It’s very Hollywood/roman-tic comedy of me. But it really helps. I’ve seen it. It’s not
about vindication. It’s really about the ritual o f releasing that person that
once held your heart. You mind is a powerful tool. Really, it’s a gateway to
the heart. And, through the eyes, if the mind can see the release, the
heart seems to have an easier time of it. So find a nice fire pit or put
those pictures in a fireplace and set ’em ablaze. Watch them turn to ash
and use that moment to mourn. Then, during the ritual, as the pictures
turn to dust, know that this is the first moment of the healing process.
I’m forever astounded that people, although angry and hurt, seem to
find and then date the same person over and over. STOP IT. Just because
you found the carbon copy of the person that wounded you doesn’t mean
that you can make it work—by changing— this time. If I have one and
only one piece of advice to give you, please, pretty please, get out of your
comfort zone (and remember— even pain can be comfortable) and date
someone different. Isn’t that a unique and novel idea? It seems like com­
mon sense, but I see good men and women fall into the same exact
2 pages left in chapter

3 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

situation as the prior relationship. Quit the pattern. Find a new habit.
Just stop what you’ve been doing. You deserve better. Honor your intel­
ligence and change your direction.
Now let’s say you really had something serious going on. You were
planning on getting married. Rings were exchanged. Do you give it back?
Unfortunately, I don’t have a standard answer for this question. You re­
ally have to look at all things and consider what is right. If pressed to
formulate an equation for what to do when, I think longevity dictates
what to do. If you became engaged quickly and just as quickly decided it
wasn’t going to work— give back the ring. However, if you two were to­
gether for a couple years, then became engaged and were so for a good
amount of time, I think the ring is yours. The other side of this argument
is that you may not want the ring and simply want to get rid of it to let go
o f the memories. That’s totally understandable, but keep in mind that
your former love may not want it either, for the exact same reasons. This
is why pawnshops exist. Either way, don’t rush a decision. Really take
time to process what you’d like to do. There’s no reason for regret in the
future.
Whether it takes you two days or five months to move through the
breakup, know that your process is right and perfect for you. The moral
o f the story is to take the time to heal, but once you move on, really move
forward. Even if, by chance, you end up getting back together with your
ex, be a new, changed, smarter person in the relationship. Know that
your strength will carry you into the future regardless of the person be­
side you.
[contents]

1 page left in chapter

2 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

TW EN TY-FO U R

Karma and Past Lives
Everyone has issues within their relationships. If you don’t, you’re either
an alien or a robot We don’t function like a sitcom from the 1960s.
We’re human and complex, and in my estimation, from the day we’re
born we start accumulating that emotional baggage that therapists make
millions trying to decipher. But did you ever think that what you are cur­
rently going through may have deeper, more soulful connections and rea­
sons?
Let’s start with the idea o f karma interceding in a romantic rela­
tionship, but before we do that, we need to all get on the same page of
what karma really is.
Karma is based in the traditions of India and brought forth by Hindu,
Buddhist, Jain, and Sikh religions. These religions embrace the idea of
reincarnation, which we’ll get into shortly, but you do not need to know
about past lives to understand karma. Karma isn’t good or bad. In fact,
it’s neutral. It’s about the action to balance. Although we in the Western
world have made it have more of a positive or negative connotation, it’s
really about the unbiased stability of energies. Where there is light, there
has to be dark. Where good is able to show itself, evil (bad) has to be
present. It’s the cause and effect of all actions. In Christianity, we think of
it as the idea o f “we reap what we sow, ”from Galatians in the New Testa­
ment.
So, thinking along those lines, that karma isn’t about the good or bad,
but only the balance, we need to understand how it potentially plays out.
What’s so nifty (or not, depending on your personal patience level) about
karma is that it has its own time frame. Often, the actions of karma may
take months or years to work their way through one’s life. So, we, living

7 pages left in chapter

8 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

in our immediate, instant-gratification society, don't make the connection
o f something happening to us now being related to something that hap­
pened a decade (or more) ago. Cheating is a great example of how karma
can come back and bite you in the ass. If you cheat on a partner, it is very
likely that in the future, someone will cheat on you. The karma that
comes with that most often deals with and results in trust issues. Either
way it sucks, but you have to deal with the repercussions o f your actions.
Now, is karma to blame (remembering that it's not good or bad ... or a
person) for all missteps in relationships? O f course not, because we have
this lovely little thing called free will. Free will allows us to make the m is­
takes, or, hopefully, the successes in life. Karma may present itself in a
situation, but it's how we react and respond to the issue where we can
have a moment of greatness and either move through a karmic act and
release it or respond poorly only to live through a similar scenario a dif­
ferent day. For example, you can take the high road and take a step to­
ward strengthening your relationship with your partner and talk through
any struggles in the relationship, or you can cheat on your partner and
continue the vicious cycle.
Although it sounds like a Universal mockery, it's really not. All things,
energies, people, relationships, and issues in life are opportunities to
allow our soulful side to grow and expand. Unfortunately, we, living in
the human existence have a couple hurdles to overcome. One: We tend to
learn more from distress and hurt than we do from positive situations.
Two: That darn ego. Our ego gets us into a lot of predicaments. It tells us
that we have control. It tells us that we are better than others when it
comes to education, financial status, good looks, and more. And it's be­
cause of that human ego piece that we put ourselves in relationship jeop­
ardy by putting ourselves first. Taking ego out of the equation (and this is
no small feat, believe me) simply allows truth, honesty, and forward
movement in relationships.
6 pages left in chapter

7 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

Now, how karma may play itself out comes in a variety of different
ways. But nothing that is atypical. And, unfortunately, it doesn’t have a
telltale sign. Wouldn’t it be great if there was a karma-dar like radar?
Sometimes it comes in the form of a breakup where one simply walks
away. No major blowout or conflict. Just goes a different direction. This
often is the case when in the past one has simply ignored another in a
compromising situation without addressing the issue rather than actually
dealing with it.
The best way to accurately determine whether it’s a karmic issue or
one brought on by yourself is to really think back and feel if there is a les­
son. Obviously if there is an issue around one’s convictions be it religious
or political or whatever, karma can be ruled out pretty quickly. However,
if you need to ponder “Why did this happen?” you can almost rest as­
sured that karma was in play.
And karma does not only come from just this life, honey.
First, I’m going to say that I believe in the idea of reincarnation and
past lives. I’m not here to change your mind. Nor do I want to stomp on
your own, personal convictions. I respect all faiths and philosophies.
However, since the fact is that I do believe in past lives, and a great por­
tion o f the world does as well, I want to speak to those folks too. As I
mentioned earlier, however, one does not have to believe in past lives to
embrace the idea of karma. They are exclusive ideas.
Let’s start, as we did with the karma piece, by us all getting on the
same page as we explore past lives. Various cultures and religions believe
in the idea of reincarnation. However, there are some variations. Some
believe that a human soul has come into being by experiencing lesser life
forms. For example, one may start as an amoeba, and then move up to a
gnat. From there they move up the food chain, until, ultimately, becom­
ing a human life form. Of course, if we majorly screw up this life, we can
de-evolve back into a grasshopper or some other, less complex being. On
5 pages left in chapter

6 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

the other hand, if we make great strides, we become enlightened, not
needing the physical human existence for our soul's evolution.
The other theory is that a human soul is a human soul and only rein­
carnates as such. However, the situation one is placed in creates the
evolution. Obviously someone who is born into a wealthy family of priv­
ilege and class will have a different life than someone born to a nomadic
community in a Third World country. It's within these differences that
the soul finds enlightenment. Both situations have their own innate is­
sues and benefits. However, this, the human-to-human reincarnation
will be the perspective I'll be speaking to from here on out.
So, that all being said and understood, we not only have karmic influ­
ences from our current life, but bring forward those karmic issues from
past lives. How is that for confusing?
I believe (again, this is a personal belief) that we all have to experience
all things to really become enlightened. That being said, we have to be
murdered and be the murderer. We need to be persecuted and be the one
persecuting. Only through this process do we develop one of the most
basic human emotions: compassion. And isn't compassion, next to love,
one o f the main building blocks of relationships?
A long time ago, I was told that love isn’t about loving the best in a per­
son. It's knowing the worst and loving them despite it. And if that isn't
the definition of compassion, I don't know what is.
As we understand that through our past lives we can develop compas­
sion and karma, we need to grasp the concept of the soul being eternal.
Our soul, from a very scientific perspective, is energy. And it’s well docu­
mented and researched in the scientific community that energy never
goes away, it only changes form. With that knowledge, our soul, as it is
energy unto itself, has been around for all eternity. Now back to past lives

Our past lives, along with our karma, can influence our relationships.
4 pages left in chapter

5 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

Who hasn’t had the moment, upon meeting someone, where they have
felt they have known that person for a lifetime? Conversely, who can’t say
that they have met someone and immediately been repelled by them? It
is part of the world we live in, and we all know it happens outside logic
and reason.
Past life experiences influence relationships as much as anything. Al­
though not in our current memory, the former life situations still reside
somewhere, quietly within us in our soul (often referred to as cell mem­
ory). This is why we are oddly drawn to situations that may be out o f our
current character. Violence is a prime example of where a bad experience
in a past life can be turned into something positive in this life. For exam­
ple, if someone was involved in war or perhaps died in battle, they may
be very passive and have a phobia toward guns and similar violence.
We have all either seen or been the individual that has been so strong
in every other aspect to our lives, yet when with a particular individual we
allow ourselves to be taken advantage of. Is this coincidence maybe? No,
probably not. We’ve also either experienced firsthand or been a part of a
moment, where there wasn’t any prior knowledge or education, but
understanding and knowledge came forth seemingly out of nowhere.
Where you or the individual shakes their head and wonders, “Where the
heck did that come from?” These are great examples of past life knowl­
edge coming forward and allowing us to grow.
Sometimes, it’s just the acknowledgment of having a past life with an­
other that creates not only a deeper bond with the individual but also
with Spirit. If I may share, here’s an actual story.
Steve and Cindy had been clients of mine for a long time. While at a
conference they requested back-to-back past-life hypnotic regressions.
(I’m also a board-certified hypnotherapist.) Cindy was first. Prior to the
sessions, I explained that I’ll walk them into their past. However, their
soul will pick the life that is pertinent to the time being, as I don’t lead to
3 pages left in chapter

4 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

a particular place and time. When there, Г11 ask questions, however I
don’t require or ask that my client speak, out loud, the answers. The
questions are only there to help the individual observe the past life and
gain information. Cindy’s past-life regression went well. It was pretty text­
book. I brought her out o f the hypnosis and we discussed what she saw
and experienced. We discussed several details down to her dress, which
was a velvet-textured dress. It was most likely in the mid- to late-1 8oos,
and included a man that she was very much fixated on. I didn’t get the
sense that they were married in that life, but they were very much con­
nected.
From there, I excused Cindy from the room, and brought Steve in.
Please know that I was with both of them at all times and that no ex­
change other than “I’ll see you in a hour” took place between them. I sat
Steve down and started the process. Now, even though I let my clients
know that it’s not necessary to answer my prompting questions out loud,
some still do. And that’s fine. That’s their nature. Steve was one o f thosse
guys. As I progressed him through the past life, I heard, firsthand, what
he was saying. What was shocking, even to me, was that the time, date,
place, clothing, and nature of the whole past-life regression mimicked
what Cindy had just told me moments ago. Steve was the man in her re­
gression that Cindy was fixated on. He was telling me the color of her
dress and where he was standing in the scene. Detail upon detail corre­
sponded to her past life that had come through. Needless to say, I could
hardly wait to get the two of them together to discuss what had happened.
As I did with Cindy, I brought Steve out of the hypnosis and then we
both met up with Cindy. At this point, I told them that we all needed to
sit down and discuss. They still had no idea what had transpired. We
went out for tea. As we sat, I simply asked Cindy to share what she had
experienced and seen in her past-life regression. As she was speaking,
you could see Steve well over with emotion, knowing that his beloved
2 pages left in chapter

2 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

bride was not only his bride in this life, but a love in a past life as well.
Cindy, not understanding what was going on, was a little confused. At
this time, I asked Steve to share and the both o f them were really beside
themselves. To come to a point where love didn’t have any sort o f time at­
tached to it was pretty amazing.
Hopefully this goes to show the beauty of karma (Cindy’s fixation),
past lives, and past loves. The influence of what we have experienced in
past lives isn’t all bad. Even if it hurts at times, it allows us to grow and
become more substantial partners in the romantic, love-centered relation­
ships we choose.
[contents]

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

T W E N T Y -F IV E

What the Other Side
Thinks about Love
I get countless questions from my clients about how the other side views
love: new love, old love, familial love, or lost love. I could go on and on.
It's great to know that we can all, despite differences in race, religion, eco­
nomics, and so forth, agree that it’s love that permeates all things. It is
part of our soul and as the soul is eternal, so is love.
As you know, I believe that we do have various lives so the soul can en­
counter and experience different things. I know that we can’t tie our
shoes right the first time, we give it a few more whirls until we get it
right, so how the heck are we supposed to get an entire life experience
right in one go around? As I believe that we have had many lives, I be­
lieve that we have had many mates, and much, much love, the romantic
kind and otherwise.
So, if we come from the perspective that we have had many lives and,
more than likely, we have had at least some love in each life, we have had
plenty of romantic relationships. Remember that. If you feel that love is
lacking in the here and now, know that it hasn’t always been that way and
you won’t forever be without. Also, though you may be in a romantic
slump, take comfort that all is divinely ordered and your soul is growing
in a different way.
And on that topic of many loves ... Although the partner we are with
currently is where our heart is, it hasn’t always been nor will it forever be
that way. There’s a good and sound reason why our traditional marriage
vows are till death do us part. When we cross over, all of our spouses and
romantic partners from each and every life are on the other side waiting
to be reunited with us. Because we are human, we have to wrap our

5 pages left in chapter

6 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

heads around finite time. But when we cross over, time becomes infinite.
And with that knowing, there isn’t an urgency to only be with one soul.
We have eternity to connect and deepen our love for everyone we care
about. So, if you have lost a romantic partner, know that of course, they
are waiting for you on the other side for your reunion. But, as they
understand the greater perspective of time and space, they don’t expect
you to be by their side 1 oo percent of the time, forever and ever. Nor will
you want to.
And speaking of losing a spouse or partner, let’s talk about moving on.
In thousands upon thousands of readings I’ve provided over decades, I
can say with absolutely certainty that I have never heard a loved one from
the other side tell someone here in the physical plane that it’s not okay to
move on. Rarely can I say that a message comes through 1 oo percent, but
this is one of those times. They (those on the other side) desperately want
you to find love again. No one, corporeal or otherwise, wants to see any­
one longing for love. It’s painful. And we can all relate. Each and every
one of us wants love in our life. No exceptions.
There’s a great line in the opening of a television show that states love
is better multiplied than divided. That’s exactly the way the other side
looks at love. It’s about continuing on and finding another love. It’s what
is wanted for all of us here— to be in a state o f love and to provide love for
another. And although we could all say that we love our family, there is
something specifically magical about romantic love. The other side wants
that for us. If you have lost a partner and feel that you are ready and able,
look toward finding another soul to find love with. There’s no guilt or
shame, and in many cases, when we’re ready, if we ask, that lost loved
one will help us bring that new love into our lives.
Love is about honor. When we find another person to love, it doesn’t
lessen the love that we have had in the past. In fact, it enhances what has
come before. By loving again, we’re showing the Universe that we are
4 pages left in chapter

5 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

unwilling to give up on love and understand that love can be found in
many forms. Ultimately, loving again is the greatest homage to the love
that has come prior.
Far too often, people ask me if an argument that preceded the passing
o f a loved one is remembered. Of course, more importantly, my clients
want to know if the conflict is forgiven. Here again, the answer is always
yes. When we cross over, although we don’t become omnipotent, we gain
a broader, better understanding of all things in our lives. Quarrels are,
certainly, included in that broader viewpoint. Whether it was a misunder­
standing, miscommunication, or bad day, it is shown to the soul to recon­
cile and move on toward peace. So, if a fight occurred just prior to cross­
ing over, know, beyond all things, that you are forgiven.
Taking that one step further, upon understanding that we are forgiven,
know that you ARE still loved no matter what your conflict or disagree­
ment may have been. Although love is an emotion, it is completely driven
by energy. And science tells us that energy never dies, it only changes
form. Thusly, love exists and transcends physical body death. It is carried
over to the other side with greater clarity and power than we can imagine.
When wanting to connect with a loved one on the other side, a com­
mon request in readings, people are surprised to hear that they do not
need to pray to them. Prayers are for you and the Divine. Our loved ones
do not need your prayers. They are with Spirit, in all its glory, without
pain or suffering. Let your prayers be for those here on earth. Those souls
on the other side don’t need it. All they wish is that you are happy, loved,
and taken care o f in the best of ways.
I have done hundreds of readings for clients who wished to commu­
nicate with a loved one who had crossed over, and here is just one exam­
ple. I had a dear elderly client whose first husband had passed away.
Subsequently, she had taken up a relationship with his best friend. She
had called on me and was very concerned that her deceased husband
3 pages left in chapter

3 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

would have issues regarding her new relationship, understandably so.
When we asked him how he felt about his former wife’s new companion,
he conveyed a clear message of happiness that she had found love again.
He gave his blessing with this union and found peace that his former
wife was with someone who would care for her and that it was someone
he was so fond of during his physical life! We both cried tears of joy at
this message from the other side. Not long after this reading, my client
and her new beau got married and are living happily ever after.
Now let’s get to some of the more controversial stuff...
The topic of divorce is a big one. I cannot tell you the outpouring of
concern from those of us here, worrying about the perception of divorce
on the other side. No one likes divorce. Not here in the physical realm
nor in Spirit. It is because of this compassion that they understand di­
vorce. Sometimes two souls have a contracted amount of time they are
meant to be together, which isn’t an entire lifetime. Now, this contract
isn’t here on earth. This is a contract made and understood, by two souls,
on the other side. Contracts like this are formed so two souls can have
one shared experience, but both receive a unique experience. Then they
separate to gain further experiences individually. Instances of this hap­
pening may be to bring a specific soul into the world where the two com­
bined are needed. At other times, it’s karmic, where one has created an
imbalance in a past life that needs to be rectified in this one. Regardless,
it is understood by Spirit, and our loved ones on the other side, that it is a
necessity.
Another hot topic is homosexuality, as well as bisexuality. Back home
(what I like to call the other side as it’s where we began and where we will
return), love, in any form, is love. However it manifests and takes shape
is irrelevant. All that matters is that the love is pure, true, and from the
heart. Sexual organs and gender are physical. Our soul is energetic, void
o f form. It is only within the body that we make distinction. So, no, the
2 pages left in chapter

2 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

other side doesn’t care about the type of body that is projecting love.
On the other side the modus operandi is love and acceptance. It’s not
about the physicality of love, it is about the energy and sentiment. Love is
the language of the other side. It is the reason the other side exists, to
carry on the love, the compassion, the goodness we created here in the
physical world.
[contents]

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

T W E N T Y - S IX

My Mama Told Me
As much as we’d like to believe that our parents don’t know what is best
for us, sometimes they, at least, have excellent advice. They, too, have
lived lives that included dating and marriage(s). Although, times, they are
a-changing, they haven’t changed that much. Many of the basics still re­
main the same. Learn from their experience. Heck, it’s free, and it may
just keep you away from a little heartache.
Before I get into the specifics of particular advice, I want to share a per­
sonal story with you.
When I brought my now-husband home for the very first time, I was
taken aback by my dad. (Just for clarification, my dad is actually my stepdad, as he raised me most of my life.) He actually spoke to Bobby. I know
this doesn’t sound very major and cordial at best. But my dad isn’t
really the outgoing, social type. Typically speaking, when I brought
someone home, I may have gotten a grunt or nod at best for my new
friend. Often it was just a glance, and Dad would go back to whatever he
was doing. It wasn’t that he didn’t care; he realized, pretty early on, that
who I was bringing home was in his words “a revolving door.”
When I asked him why he engaged Bobby versus any of the other peo­
ple I had brought home, he said this: He actually had a brain. It was just
that simple. My dad had seen what I couldn’t. Of course, I was blinded by
what I thought was love. My father had the good sense to see my com­
panions for what they were. Good, bad, or indifferent. He just didn’t feel
it was necessary to waste time and energy getting to know anyone that he
knew wouldn’t (or felt shouldn’t) be around very long. Don’t tell, but
hearing that from my dad was a huge validation to marry the hubs. My
dad knew his stuff.

4 pages left in chapter

5 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

A nugget that my mom shared with me, and believe it or not, this does
apply to relationships: no party will ever be the same twice. Remember
how, when you were in high school and college, you’d party at the
friend’s house whose parents had left town? Well, that situation is where
this little gem stems from. I had a fantastic time at a party the prior
evening and the next morning told my mom about it. I had met some
great people and had a blast— everyone got along, and a lovely time was
had by all. We decided to hit it up for round two the next night. I mean,
heck, the parents were gone for the whole week. Why not?
Here’s why. If you’re looking to duplicate the same person in the same
scenario and get the same results, you need to think again. Romance is
science; parties are not. With individuals, although they may look the
same on paper, we don’t get repeated results. Just because someone may
have a similar job, a similar family background, and similar personal his­
tory, doesn’t make them 1 oo percent guaranteed to work if you’ve previ­
ously had success with that type o f person. Finding the same person (on
paper, as we call it) over and over isn’t going to create the same rela­
tionship repeatedly. Embrace what was, but always be willing to try some­
thing new.
Although this probably isn’t news to anyone at this point, when I was
nineteen, my dad shared this nugget of wisdom: 90 percent of couples
break up over the almighty buck. At that time in my life, it was news to
me. As much as we want to declare that money doesn’t bring us happi­
ness, lack of it can sure bring us much anguish. It’s very romantic to be­
lieve that we can all live on love, but love doesn’t pay the mortgage or the
heating bill. And silly us, as cultured civilians we’ve become accustomed
to those little extravagances.
Now Dad wasn’t saying I should find some sugar daddy. But he was
very clear about one thing: If you invest your time in someone with
financial issues, you’d best be darn certain that you want to support and
3 pages left in chapter

4 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

work through them together. And, if you choose to marry that person,
those financial problems become as much yours as they are your part­
ner’s. Make certain you’re willing and able to take on that burden. Know
what you’re getting into. And be up front about your own credit burden.
Although this next little morsel didn’t come from one of my own par­
ents, it came from a darling, former co-worker (believe it or not, I actually
held a corporate job or two), who I considered very fatherly. While at a
holiday party with my husband, I ran into this co-worker and his lovely
wife and asked what their secret of a thirty-plus-year, extremely happy
marriage was. The response: Divorce never. Murder maybe. That’s
dandy, right?
Obviously, the couple was completely joking. But their point was
made. It was their observation that people, upon finding themselves in
conflict, were too quick to jump out o f the marriage. Of course, they also
believed that they saw far too many young individuals rushing into mar­
riage as well. They believed in the sacred commitment of marriage. And
they also, quite vocally, believed in the necessity of courtship. They talked
about how their parents had to deal with war, long-term, long-distance
separation (due to war), fertility issues, and other obstacles. None of
which split them up. In fact, it made them grow stronger in the good
years. They were very clear that in those tough times, you can reflect on
moments where times were even tougher and remember that you, as a
team, got through the mess. Good stuff. Failure was not an option.
I took a quick poll on a few of my social media accounts asking those
folks there if they, too, had received any great pieces o f advice from their
parents. A couple repeated themselves time and time again. I want to
share those with you now.
First, the ladies, overwhelmingly, heard from their moms to watch a
man with his mother. Here, again, what an absolute gem of insight. How
a man treats his mother is very much a telltale sign as to how a man will
2 pages left in chapter

3 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

treat a long-term commitment/wife. Now, like every rule, there are excep­
tions. And I'm sure this isn't 100 percent, all the time. However, it's a re­
ally great baseline to observe.
This doesn’t mean that you want to run off and go find that mama’s
boy. That’s a whole different ballgame. Those guys put their mother’s
thoughts, feelings, and opinions far above their partner’s and, often, their
own. That never works out well. So there are degrees. But having a man
who can treat his mom with respect, kindness, and thoughtfulness will
likely transcend all relationships with women. This innate behavior sig­
nals that there is an appreciation for all women.
Another suggestion that I heard over and over from men and women
alike was “not on the first date.” (Yep, I am talking about sex.) We’ve all
been there ... That first-date romance is all around us. We’re dressed up,
looking sharp. The lighting is good. Not to mention we’ve probably had a
couple drinks, so we’re feeling happy. Oxytocin (the love chemical we
naturally create in our bodies) is being produced. We are doing the flirt
dance and really connecting. It’s natural to want to be physical. But is it
smart? Nope.
You don’t know a darn thing about this new guy or gal. You’re work­
ing off surface stuff. You haven’t found out about the deep, meaningful
issues that everyone has and lugs around beneath the surface. Not to
mention the health concerns. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but you can’t
tell if someone has a sexually transmitted disease by just lookin’ at ’em.
Needless to say, it’s normal to want to hop between the sheets if it’s a re­
ally great first date. Just don’t. Leave something for later.
It’s hard to believe that our parents may actually have some insight
that is still relevant to us. As old and outdated as they may seem, wisdom
is wisdom, in dating and in life.
[contents]
1 page left in chapter

2 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

T W E N T Y -S E V E N

Take Your Own Advice
Do as I say and not as I do. Isn’t that the best saying? We know that we
give good, strong, rational advice to others. But, man. Taking our own
medicine is really difficult. We can have the best perspective on everyone
else’s issues, but when it comes to our own stuff, we are our own worst
enemies. Even when we get a consensus, allowing multiple sources of ad­
vice into our world, we still plow forward believing what we want and act­
ing as we choose. And how many times do we come to regret that deci­
sion that we made in haste or under duress? So, let’s learn to take our
own advice.
Clients often come to me with financial issues. Time and time again, I
have told them to not spend beyond their means, don’t let credit card
debt pile up, and be financially responsible. While I was dispensing this
sage advice, I was not following by it. Hypocrisy! My boyfriend had a sub­
stantial credit card debt, which I was partially responsible for. Did I fol­
low my own advice? No. If he could ignore the calls and bills rolling in, I
could too. It got to the point where we broke up; he took the furniture
and my good credit with him. I was left with no couch, no TV, and no
money. I had to buy paper plates and lawn chairs and start to rebuild my
credit and financial responsibility. If I had listened to my own advice, I
would have saved myself a whole lot of heartache and credit issues, but
thankfully that is in the past and all resolved. I learned from it, albeit
painfully.
Be patient. Remember how our parents drilled this into our psyche as
a child? Speaking for me, personally, it’s still something I struggle with,
regardless of my mom’s diligent efforts. Nothing can benefit a rela­
tionship more than embracing a little bit of patience. Patience calms not

6 pages left in chapter

8 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

only our emotions but, also, our minds to make better decisions and, ulti­
mately, convey our ideas in a more concise manner. Not to mention, in
those moments of conflict or tension, it gives the opposing party (your
loved one), by your pause, time to rethink their own actions. It’s a winwin, and it’s free. Maybe the old saying should be “An ounce of patience
(instead of caution) is worth a pound of cure.”
I’ve seen this saying in countless women’s boutiques, read it on many
kitschy plaques and heard it in almost every chick flick known ... “No boy
(or girl) is worth crying over.” And if they are, they won’t make you cry.
Now, does this mean we should really, truly buy into this when it comes
to a long-term, committed relationship? No. Life happens and brings tri­
als and tribulations. However, I do buy into that thought when at the
onset of a new relationship. Anyone worth any time and effort shouldn’t
bring you to tears early on. That’s the time for the fun and excitement.
The beginning of the relationship is meant to plant the seeds of greatness
that gives you a foundation for potential harder times (and those, my
dear, may make you cry). Relationships should start with laughter, explo­
ration, and good times— not tears. If sadness and heartache are the early
basis for the relationship, move on. You can’t expect to benefit from
something that starts badly.
How many thousands of times have we suggested that a friend, family
member, or partner just relax. Take a breath. It’s good advice. When we
take a deep breath, by simple biology we are able to calm ourselves down,
but on another note I would not recommend anyone to tell another to
calm down. Always seems a little demeaning or condescending. It’s in­
evitable. We’ll get upset over something said or done by our loved one.
We’re all human. Before we explode and retaliate, take a moment and re­
ally try to relax. As angry as we all get, the moment that we can temper
our temper (how’s that for a play on words?), we can move forward from
the anger and conflict. The fact of the matter is this: when we get angry,
5 pages left in chapter

6

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

emotions rule our communication. However, that same temper blocks
external communication from being fully understood. All o f us have, in a
moment of extreme hurt, failed to listen to anyone, regardless of the soft­
ening words being conveyed. We’re not in a place to listen; hence, we
only take in partial words or thoughts. The moment we relax, we become
better listeners and communicators.
This brings me to my next point ... Listen twice as much as you talk.
There’s a groovy saying about God giving us two ears and one mouth to
listen twice as much as we speak. Good stuff to be certain. We all get
caught up with the inner dialogue that continuously runs through our
head. Unfortunately, when we get upset, that inner dialogue becomes
much louder than what is being communicated to us externally. So, really
make an effort to listen rather than just hearing what is being said. Take
into account not only the words, but the meaning, tonality, and emotion
behind them. We’d expect no less from anyone else.
On the tails of becoming hurt and irate comes reaction. Reaction has a
place in the world. If someone is bleeding and injured, our instincts take
over and we react to the wound. If someone surprises us with a gift, a joy­
ful, happy reaction is a good thing. However, reaction in relationships,
when upset, isn’t terribly beneficial. It’s human nature, when hurt, to
lash out either emotionally or physically and to protect or defend. Al­
though it’s human nature, it doesn’t mean it’s the evolved thing to do. I
can’t say this enough: stop reacting when overly emotional. Although it’s
instinctual, it really isn’t going to get you far. In fact, it may set you back
by you saying something that is completely untrue or out of bounds.
Words, as we all know, can wound deeply. Be cautious with them when
feeling overwhelmed. Remember this, as I’ve been told this by Spirit in
countless readings ... When we react in anger and haste, it is our ego—
and only our ego— that is communicating.
If need be, seek counseling. There isn’t anything wrong with seeking a
4 pages left in chapter

5 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

little professional help. Unfortunately, the perception of some is that
seeking therapy is a weakness. It’s not. In my opinion, it's completely the
opposite. Someone who can stand in their own issues, see them for what
they are, and then ask for help is someone who has courage. Whether
you feel most comfortable with a licensed therapist (psychologist or psy­
chiatrist) or your church pastor is irrelevant. Getting an external opinion
not only can be great validation but an invaluable resource. They’re going
to see the nuance in your behaviors and provide tools to overcome issues.
Even if the final solution is to move on from the relationship, you can as­
suredly know that you have extinguished all options. I m yself have greatly
benefited from therapy (both marital therapy and just plain life). Being
that Bobby and I eloped after four months of dating brought forth a lot of
unique issues and quirks that still come up twenty years later. If we
hadn’t headed to therapy so early into our relationship, we may not have
made it. We set the precedent early on that this is what we were willing to
do to make it work. Divorce was not an option for getting out of this mar­
riage. It was therapy or death.
Now let’s talk a bit about what we can do to prevent ickiness from
entering the relationship in the first place. For you guys out there, us
girls have given these tips to our sisters for years. But it works for you,
too!
Take care of yourself. How’s that for being blunt? It’s far too easy to
get comfortable in a relationship and not feel that we have to doll up for
our partner. Why should we not continue to court each other visually
after the relationship is established? Let’s face it. We’re typically attracted
to one another physically at first. That doesn’t mean that that outward ap­
pearance should fade! Although, ultimately, we create a relationship with
the person that is on the inside, we reflect that love externally by looking
good on the outside. Now, we don’t have to stroll around in tuxedos and
formal gowns each and every day. That’d just be silly, and uncomfortable.
3 pages left in chapter

4 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

But why not make sure to put on a little lipgloss or cologne when you
know your partner is coming home? Heck, you probably have it lying
around anyway. It just takes a little effort.
This next issue seems so simple, but I can't stress this one enough.
Personal time is infinitely important. I get it. We find ourselves in a new
relationship and all we want to do is spend every minute of free time with
the new love. Gag, right? It’s totally normal. The new relationship is excit­
ing and all full of spark and wonder. But it's during this time that you
need to still hold on to your own individualism and personality. Keep
some time for yourself, outside o f work. Absence does make the heart
grow fonder. And who doesn’t need a few extra moments to get things
done for you? Whether it’s going out with friends, doing the laundry, or
taking some time out of the relationship to spend time with family, it will
only serve to strengthen the bond between you and your new interest.
Another little tidbit... Don’t force someone to fit. If it’s not working for
you, it’s not working for you. Just because you want to be in relationship
and you meet another guy/gal that’s single, doesn’t make them the One.
Sometimes, when we feel like we are at the end of our dating rope, we
just look past those irksome qualities because we want to be in a rela­
tionship. Letting things go is great for a friendship, but if there are char­
acter flaws that trouble you in the beginning of a romance, chances are
they’ll become bigger issues the longer you let the romantic side of things
progress.
On that note, make sure to date outside your comfort zone. We all have
a type. Whether it’s a physical preference or something more character
driven, we really do have things we are drawn to. However, just because
someone doesn’t look/seem right immediately, doesn’t mean you should
rule them out. Case in point: blind dates. My suggestion is to just go on
them, 1 oo percent o f the time. What do you have to lose? Worst-case sce­
nario is you are out a little bit of time but have a fabulous story to share
2 pages left in chapter

2 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

with friends and family. You may find the love of your life in the exact
opposite package you had imagined. Nothing ventured, nothing gained!
This is especially for the boys ... Be romantic. I hate to be a little gender-bi-ased here, but I tell it like it is. Romance will get you far, and I
don’t mean any underlying message with that statement. Romance is
integral to a relationship. It tells your partner that you still love and care
about them in the same way you did when you initially met. That’s it. It’s
the external way o f showing the care that you have for one another.
There’s no need for showy or pricey gifts (although they’re appreciated).
That’s not what romance is about. A handwritten note can be the most
romantic thing in the world. Picking a flower (and yes, dandelions count)
along a walk and giving it to your partner can be a cherished memory.
Taking that one second and making it a moment will get you through
some tough times in the future.
[contents]

2 pages left in chapter

2 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

T W EN TY -E IG H T

Do You Need a Psychic
or Common Sense?
I get it. We all want insight and tools to grow. Not to mention, we seek
the all-important truth in different situations. And that’s where I come
in. Good people from all around the world (God bless the Internet) seek
me out and ask my counsel. I’m eternally grateful. No question that I’m
blessed to be able to do what I do. It’s my passion. But, sometimes these
lovely folks just don’t need a psychic, they just need a good dose of com­
mon sense, which is what I like to call a verbal bitch-slap. And I’m happy
to provide that too.
First, psychics aren’t therapists. However, I’ve been told by many that
their therapist wasn’t able to get them in, so they came to me. I always
thought that was kind of cute. And a little insulting to their counselor, but
I’m thrilled to be of service however I can. But let’s get it straight, I don’t
have years of education and study devoted to understanding the human
mind. All I can do is be my psychic self and pull through information
and share it with my clients. I am not equipped for several years of con­
scientious scrutiny of all aspects of anyone’s life. I get what I get and
hope that my client makes the most o f the information. That is all. I want
to empower my clients to make the changes that they need to make in
their life and let them move forward.
It’s difficult to be 1 oo percent objective in one’s own life. I get that.
However, the biggest thing, before booking a reading with any psychic
over an issue, is to take a moment and ask if you’re just being hyperemotional. If you are, step back, gain perspective, and reason things
through with logic. And don’t tell me you can’t. You can. Just do the “If I
was giving advice to a friend, what would I tell them?” thing. It works.

3 pages left in chapter

4 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

The hiccup is not typically that you can’t be objective; it is that you don’t
want to face what you probably already know.
To drive home the point, I would like to share a couple stories with
you. Hopefully you’ll get more than a laugh out of them. These two con­
trasting stories clearly illustrate why sometimes you should consult a psy­
chic, and why sometimes you just need a dose of common sense. Before
you ask, yes, these stories are true.
I cannot tell you how often I hear the story from some poor, unsus­
pecting gal who has found the opened box of condoms. Whether they are
found in a vehicle, dresser drawer, or closet, it doesn’t matter. O f course,
the story always goes that upon further inspection, some are missing
from the package. When the boyfriend, husband, or partner is ques­
tioned, of course they are not his. The excuses are endless. A friend left
them. A co-worker asked him to hold on to them. He has no idea where
they came from. Or one of my favorites: it’s the gal’s fault for snooping
around and finding them. Ladies, regardless of the circumstances, don’t
be fooled in this scenario, and do not call a psychic and ask, “Do you
think he is cheating on me?” Just use common sense— the answer is
obviously a big, fat, resounding, “Yes, he is cheating on you.” Now go do
something about it.
My second story is a bit strange, a little spooky, and one of the more
interesting reasons ever why consulting a psychic ended up being a very
good idea. A client I will call Mary came to me suspecting that her hus­
band (I’ll call him Mike) may be cheating on her. She, o f course, re­
quested that I either validate her suspicions or help her deal with the
trust issues she was battling in her marriage. When I provided the read­
ing for her I was able to see her husband Mike. However, he was cloaked
in hazy fog. I was unable to see if he was alone or with another woman,
but it was evident he was hiding something. I was not able to confirm or
deny Mary’s suspicions o f cheating during this reading. However, one
2 pages left in chapter

3 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

week later a woman I will call Sandy came to me for a reading. She had
heard the story about Mary’s session I had given a week earlier and was
intrigued in having a reading of her own. She initially told me she was a
just co-worker of Mary’s, but I sensed something a little different. When
I began the session for Sandy I almost immediately had to stop. What I
saw forced me to ask Sandy why she really came to see me. Sandy in turn
asked me what kind o f question is that, and became visibly flustered. I
simply told Sandy I could see what she was hiding and asked her if she
wished to continue. Sandy then spilled the beans. She was Wiccan, a reli­
gion that believes in part that within nature, supernatural powers exist.
Oh, it gets better. She also admitted to being the one who had covered
Mike in a protective energy in order to help keep their affair a secret. She
was the mistress, and Mike had been cheating on Mary all along. Need­
less to say, Sandy did not stick around to finish her session; she stood up,
shook my hand, thanked me, and with a smile said, “I guess your psychic
powers are stronger than my spells.” Mike was actually the one who sent
her to me after his wife Mary had told him about her reading. I could
never tell Mary what I had learned; it would have been unethical to reveal
details of the session I had with Sandy. I heard later in that same year
that Mike and Mary ended up getting a divorce.
[contents]

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

Conclusion
Hopefully this collection of stories, thoughts, and advice has given you
some new ideas about romantic relationships. When to get out, when to
make a change, what to do in certain situations? I can only pass along the
information. It is up to you to put it into play. What I can promise is that
contemplating the experience of my clients and m yself personally will cre­
ate a better prepared, more understood person. This can only lead to a
more understanding individual. And understanding people make great
partners.
For the guys, my husband once told me that boys would rather be
punched in the face than talk about relationship stuff with another dude.
To you, I hope that I was the friend, the girlfriend that gave you some
sort o f insight if you didn’t feel comfortable talking to your guy friends.
For those guys who do talk with your bros about relationship stuff ...
shoot me an email. I always like to contradict my husband. *giggles*
I cannot stress enough, no matter what I may have suggested earlier ...
Be yourself. That is always the best solution. But be the best you that you
can be. Don’t look to find fault, error, mistrust, or any other red flags. I
think that is where a lot o f us go wrong. Sometimes, when it’s really
right, things are just that good. Don’t search for problems because the
only thing you’ll do is find them. You have to be true to yourself, your
thoughts, your beliefs, and your ideas. No matter what, remember them
and don’t let them become secondary. Although you may be the most
beautiful person in the world, we fall in love between the ears (brain), not
with the eyes.
Live and love by the same set o f rules because having two separate
ways may only end up in conflict with your partner. You can have a cer­
tain expectation for your love, but not be willing to live by it yourself.
Consistency in relationships is the key. If you find that you are making
2 pages left in chapter

3 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

exceptions because it’s easier for you, you’re going to find you’re con­
fusing your partner and therein will lay a conflict. If you make a rela­
tionship rule, you both need to live by it. And if you make an exception,
that needs to be understood in advance—well before the action needing
the exception takes place.
My last little nugget o f relationship advice: Be in the relationship for
right now. When we meet and fall in love with someone it’s all we can do
to think of forever. O f course, at that moment it’s all hearts, glitter, and
fluffy bunnies (at least for girls ... for boys it may be fast cars, fried foods,
and beer ... I don’t know what boys represent as love). My mantra is this:
Although I want to be with my husband forever, I’m going to work on
myself and my relationship from moment to moment. Forever can be
pretty daunting. Stay current. If we get too focused on the forever, we re­
ally can slack off in the present, thinking that at some point, we’ll rectify
today’s missteps. Personally, I think that’s a grand mistake.
So that’s it. Again, I wish that this is a work of help, comfort, and assis­
tance when needed for everyone. Hopefully it makes you laugh. And, it’s
okay if some parts made you get a little teary. It’s all part o f the greatest
gift o f life: Love.
[contents]

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

Acknowledgments
This book came about through thousands of psychic and tarot card read­
ings I have done for people all over the world in the last couple of
decades. My personal experiences in various relationships, and most of
all my twenty-year-long marriage contributed a great deal o f material to
write about.
The stories, guidance, advice, and lessons learned contained in this
text hopefully give you clarity and confidence in your own relationships.
I wish to express my sincerest gratitude for all those who contributed,
knowingly or unknowingly, to this book. Additionally, I would not have
been able to complete this second addition without the medical team who
saved my life on two separate occasions and worked with me daily since
my stroke back on January 18, 2013—words cannot express how deep my
appreciation is for these gifted and skilled people, I would not be here
today without them.
My heartfelt gratitude goes out to some very special people in my life
who kept my spirits held high and have showered me with love and sup­
port. Although I cannot name them all here, there are a few who deserve
to be distinguished. God bless Kelley and Brett F., Caitlin H., Marlene D.
and her therapy dog Ella, Cathy and Kevin V., Amy G., Brian B., Stacy
W., Dr. Scherr, Dr. Surri, Dr. Johnson, Heather S., Coco L., Heather K.,
Mike and Jo from Geppert Holistic Healing, Mark who taught me to walk
again, Amber D., Shannon S., and Justin L. Needless to say, it takes a
team effort and countless hours for projects like these to happen, espe­
cially now.
[contents]

1 page left in chapter

1 min

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

About the Author
Tiffany was born with abilities as a child no one clearly understood. Vi­
sions, voices, shadows, and angels that once frightened and fascinated
her became her guides and ultimately her greatest gift. Being born with
the ability to communicate with those who had crossed over did not sit
well with some folks in Tiffany’s life, with the exception o f one: her moth­
er. Even though she didn’t understand the things Tiffany was seeing and
experiencing, her mom knew there was nothing wrong with her daugh­
ter, quite opposite really. Her mother could see that Tiffany was someone
very special and never wavered in her support, her nurturing, and her
love. With that support, Tiffany flourished and grew into a wonderful,
caring, and giving young adult— a parent’s dream. While just in middle
school she began doing tarot card readings for her friends. This was not
something that always went over so well with other parents and her
teachers.
By high school, Tiffany was able to give lengthy, detailed, and ex­
tremely accurate psychic readings for people of all ages and backgrounds.
By the time she had graduated, Tiffany could effortlessly tap into the
other side and communicate back and forth with those who had passed
over. Going off to college to study marketing, Tiffany never gave thought
that her gift would actually become her career. At twenty-one, Tiffany met
a boy; they fell in love and then eloped just a few months later. Bobby and
Tiffany were married July 6, 1994, on a beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica.
Tiffany pursued her in career in marketing, quickly moving up the ladder
and finding great success with the companies she worked for. However,
one day in 2000, Tiffany could no longer ignore her calling; she listened
to her guides and without notice walked away from her high-paying mar­
keting job. Bobby did not necessarily agree with this decision from a
financial point of view, but much like her mother did many years earlier
5 pages left in book

5 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

he supported Tiffany to follow her dreams. Without a concrete plan in
place, Tiffany left her future up to her guides and within days they put
her on a path that would not only change her life but the lives o f all those
around her—past, present, and future.
For the next couple of years Tiffany traveled an hour each way, six days
a week to a metaphysical store in the riverside town o f Stillwater, Minne­
sota, where she sat and waited for walk-in clients who were looking for
tarot card and psychic readings. Word spread very quickly throughout the
metaphysical and paranormal community about this young woman with
uncanny abilities. Tiffany not only gave these walk-in clients incredibly
accurate readings, she touched many of their souls in a very deep spir­
itual and life-changing way. She developed and nurtured close relation­
ships, friendships, and even business partnerships with her clients over
this period of time and to this day she remains in close contact with
dozens of them. It was also during this time that Tiffany struggled to ac­
cept that her gift was becoming a business and that there were also some
very nefarious people in the world who were willing to try and exploit her
abilities for their own personal gain. With the help and support o f her
husband, friends, and various client relationships, Tiffany eventually de­
cided to venture out on her own.
She began doing readings out o f her home, launched a website, and
booked herself to attend metaphysical and paranormal expos around the
country. She even opened up her own office space in her hometown of
Burnsville, Minnesota. In 2004, Tiffany authored her first book, Seeds of
Thought: A Comprehensive Guide to the New Age. By this time Tiffany was
an internationally known psychic, speaker, healer, and teacher. Never
satisfied, Tiffany continued to grow not only her businesses but more
importantly her gifts and abilities. Tiffany took numerous classes on a
wide variety of subjects that included theology, crystals and stones, and
even kung fu.
4 pages left in book

She became

a certified hypnotherapist,

a Reiki
4 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

master-teacher, and an ordained minister. Over the ensuing years,
Tiffany would write more books, produce DVDs, meditation CDs, and
healing oils, and travel nonstop around the country giving gallery and
personal readings, lectures, and healing and spiritual guidance.
All was going well for Tiffany in her business, her marriage, and
friendships until Friday, January 18, 2013, when God chose to put Tiffany
on a whole new path in life. At just forty years old and immediately fol­
lowing a chiropractic adjustment on her neck, Tiffany suffered a massive
stroke so severe she was given little chance to survive. A life-saving angio­
plasty surgery gave some hope that Tiffany would pull through this hor­
rendous event, but she had also suffered incredible damage to her brain.
Within hours that glimpse of hope turned to desperation when the sur­
geons informed her family that Tiffany’s brain was swelling so badly it
would take her life if something drastic were not attempted immediately.
Tiffany had to undergo a craniotomy in order to alleviate the pressure
caused by the swelling of the brain. Once back in ICU, it became a wait­
ing game to see if Tiffany would survive, and if she did, the prognosis
was grim. The doctors said it was likely she would never walk, talk, or be
able to swallow again. Her husband, Bobby, remained at Tiffany’s bed­
side, accompanied by their best friend Chris, who just nine months ear­
lier had undergone a craniotomy after an in-line skating accident. After
three-and-a-half days, at 3:30 am, out of the blue Tiffany opened her right
eye, gazed at Bobby and Chris, then raised her right hand and gave the
peace sign. This was a moment of realization Tiffany was still there; she
recognized her loved ones and was fighting to live on. She spent the next
four months in the hospital and skilled nursing recovering from her
stroke, which caused entire left side paralysis, loss of vision, and a multi­
tude of other medical problems. It took two weeks just to get Tiffany sit­
ting upright on the side of her hospital bed and required the assistance of
three medical staff— it was clearly going to be a very long and painful
3 pages left in book

3 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

road to recovery. Over time, her hospital room became a very spiritual
place where a series of medical miracles would occur that astounded
medical staff and gave her family great joy.
Over weeks and months, Tiffany learned to speak again and even
learned to walk with the help of orthotics and assistance. During her time
in the hospital, there were several very special people who came into
Tiffany’s life. Like angels sent to watch over an angel, they spent hours,
days, and weeks taking care of Tiffany in countless different ways. One of
her nurses (a mother o f five young children) came in on her days off and
worked an incredible three-and-a-half-week stretch without a break, tend­
ing to every personal need imaginable. It was clear Tiffany would survive
and live a much different life moving forward but one big question re­
mained unanswered. Would Tiffany still have her gift? Was she still psy­
chic? Tiffany answered this question in her own unique and special way.
One evening in the rehabilitation unit, Tiffany was eating dinner with
other patients. The lady sitting next to her was struggling both emotion­
ally and physically. Tiffany reached over, put her hand on the woman’s
shoulder, and whispered to her that she was going to be okay, that she
would heal quickly, and actually predicted the day she would get to go
home— some nurses chuckled about the release date Tiffany gave this pa­
tient. Over the next few days this patient made an incredible recovery and
was discharged from the hospital on the exact day Tiffany predicted,
which was an astonishing three weeks earlier than what the doctors had
estimated. Over the remaining time that Tiffany spent in the hospital,
she would perform numerous readings and predictions for doctors, nurs­
es, and surgeons. Tiffany’s gifts and abilities we’re clearly unaffected by
the stroke. Oddly enough, Tiffany may have explained this good news in
a comment she had made many years earlier during an interview. Tiffany
stated that she felt her abilities came from energies in her spine and
never believed they came directly through the brain itself. Tiffany was
2 pages left in book

2 mins

Find Your Happily Ever After: Love and Relationship Advice From a Pr...

cleared to go home in the spring o f 2013 and to this day works relentlessly
on her recovery— she remains surrounded by angels.
[contents]

1 page left in book

1 min